Sophtware Slump

This weekend, I unexpectedly received e-mail from two people (who shall remain nameless) that explicitly drew attention to my crippling lack of intelligence. All right…you got me. I'm stupid. Why do think I'm considering English for a major? My geography, math, and yearbook skills have never been particularly strong, and coupled with an affliction of impulsive behavior, what you have is one dim-witted kid. Recently, my memory has begun to fail me too. I've taken to writing messages on my body like the guy in Memento. More often that not, you'll see a message like "remember Marcel Proust" scrawled on my arm or "fact #1: grows when touched" in permanent ink on my dick. Sometimes there's so much crap in the world to remember I feel like I can't take it…and my heart is going to cave in. Luckily, we have computers to do the work for us, right? Yeah. If only the actual computer technology weren't so frustrating to deal with…

I don't know what it is about RealPlayer that I hate. Maybe it's the fact it sucks. Or maybe it's because all the buffering in the world can't make the new Blink-182 song stream efficiently enough so that I can actually listen to it intact. And I have a T1 connection! Just for reference, RealPlayer also offers streaming video, more commonly known as "slideshow for the mentally-challenged."

Windows ME (Millennium Edition)
You know that book Windows For Dummies? Well, think of Windows ME as the movie based on it. When it comes to operating systems, Mac OS X and Windows XP are where it's at.
What's the purpose of using Yahoo! to search when they give you search results from Google? I want the fascist and discriminatory Yahoo! search results of yore, not Google.

I am not exactly known for embracing new technologies. I mean, I just got Instant Messenger in February. I kinda enjoy taking take my time, you know, weighing the pros and cons, and to tell you the truth, I really don't see what all the fuss is about concerning this "Napster." I finally downloaded the program last week only to discover that I couldn't find any files. What's up with that? File sharing, my ass. I got a file sharing system for you. It's called "socialism." Works great!

America Online
The unholy alliance. America Online is one of those things, like Microsoft, that's simply too easy to make fun of. Case in point: according to Elvin, "They [America Online] fuck everything up once they get their hands on it. ICQ, Winamp, Netscape." I personally believe that America Online is leading our youth down a moral sewer. No, seriously, I think that using America Online (or "AOL," as the kids call it) is analogous to visiting Epcot Center in lieu of actually traveling around the world. AOL wallows in the gray area between kitsch and postmodernism, where it masks and/or takes the place of reality and (to its customers) presents a version of the internet that's seemingly even better than the real thing, replete with colorful graphics and that voice that says, "You've got mail." How long can this fake theme park internet fantasy go on? How many coasters (nee CDs) am I gonna get in the mail before it all comes crashing down? We'll never know…
Too trendy. Bordering on Starbucks trendy.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Rory (Hornblower) here. Jon's at the Festival Of Books. Loser. Anyway, I just wanted to say that the theta version of Rory Hornblower's Noise Addict is now operational. What is Noise Addict, you ask? Well, Noise Addict is my skippy low-fidelity internet radio station designed for computers with cable, DSL, ISDN, or T1 connections. Tune in if you can, and if you can't, gawk at the playlist and pretend you hear the songs in your head. Loser.

We have new material in the archive and the Wrestlepalooza smack board. It's funny.

Ever wanted to know what Eric Mika wants for his birthday? Well, thanks to Elvin Lee, now you can.

Who should win the curtain jerker? (out of 118 votes)
Josh Karlin-Resnick • 11 votes • 9%
the bear • 107 votes • 91%

Rebel Without Applause

Jonathan Yu is going on tour! The I Hate Belle And Sebastian tour kicks off Wednesday May 2 in Westwood, California and will subsequently play a handful of North American dates before heading overseas. Come meet me, get my autograph, take my picture, and (if you're lucky) see me do a bad impression of a velociraptor. Icelandic sensation Sigur Rós and popstars Eden's Crush will open. Tickets are free and go on sale this Saturday at 10:00 a.m. through Ticketmaster.

Dates for the domestic leg of the tour:
5-2 • Westwood, CA (UCLA)
5-3 • Palo Alto, CA (Stanford University)
5-4 • Mountain View, CA (Mountain View High School)
5-5 • Berkeley, CA (UC Berkeley)
5-6 • Los Angeles, CA (Los Angeles International Airport)
5-7 • Garden Grove, CA (Rory Hornblower's Apartment)
5-8 • Madison, WI (University Of Wisconsin Madison)
5-9 • Evanston, IL (Northwestern University)
5-10 • Washington, DC (Arlington National Cemetery)
5-11 • Cambridge, MA (Harvard University Burger King)
5-12 • Poughkeepsie, NJ (Maplewood Public Library)
5-13 • New York City, NY (Madison Square Garden)

If there was no gravity on Earth, professional athletes would be out of a job.

There is a guy in my building who is half German and half Japanese. He has natural blond hair and speaks fluent Japanese. Oh, you gotta love mutts. Why do you always see the same kinds of mutts though? Half Asian and half white. Half black and half white. Half white and half white. We need more funky mutts in the world. I hereby order all Palestinians to start fucking some Jews. I mean it. I want to see some French on Canadian action. In nine months, I expect the world to be swamped with half Texan, half Taiwanese children.

I'm probably the only Asian in the world who doesn't like boba. Honestly, I can't stand that shit. What the fuck is boba? And what kind of name is "boba" anyway? Sounds like the title of an Atari video game or a bad art museum. Does the term "boba" refer to the tiny breast implant thingies or the coffee-tea-milk liquid they float around in? Moreover, is "boba" plural? If Rory and I each get one boba beverage, have we just ordered "bobas"? Does Bobby sell bobas by seashore? Whatever the answers may be, I still hate boba. It's up there with water on my list of least favorite drinks.

Who will be the last person standing in the 15-person battle royal? (out of 5638 votes)
Jonathan Yu • 4 votes • 0%
Shea Anderson • 14 votes • 0%
Scott Brown • 7 votes • 0%
Marilyn Cooney • 0 votes • 0%
Jill Denny • 1000 votes • 18%
Carol Gontang • 126 votes • 2%
Patricia Hyland • 0 votes • 0%
Marti Mittman • 39 votes • 1%
Matt Neely • 251 votes • 4%
Paige Price • 8 votes • 0%
Hugh Riddell • 4149 votes • 74%
Diane Tavenner • 2 votes • 0%
Katie Thornburg • 28 votes • 1%
Jill Toby • 15 votes • 0%
Lauren White • 1 vote • 0%
Elvin, get off the computer.

I'm useless, but not for long. The future is comin' on.

For those of you who read my senior thesis and thought I came off sounding like a pretentious asshole, read my oral history with Larry and Ann Vosovic which, by the way, I also got a perfect score on. Who's the asshole now? Me.

1 • my name's Cock Gobbler. what's yours?
2 • forget that stick figure fighting movie
3this is the story of a girl…
4 • when the tooth fairy has diarrhea

Willy Lomanclature

Dear readers:
Thank you for making Jonathan Yu's Soggy Biscuit (or whatever the fuck it's called) the least viewed website on the internet, next to As you may have noticed, the posts in recent memory were not very well written. I was basically listing, the reason being that I am currently in the midst of preparing for a midterm in my class on bioterrorism and emerging infections this Thursday. Please consume the fresh meat on the Wrestlepalooza smack board and my senior thesis while I'm a studyin'.

Summer Movie Preview!
inaccurate interpretation of history that's first and foremost a love story…like Titanic (May 25)
animated movie (May 18)
sequel (May 4)
fucked up musical with a fucked up accompanying music video featuring Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, M˝a, and Pink (May 18)
movie that nobody's gonna see (date unknown)
piece of crap movie starring J. Lo (May 18)
Gladiator in England (May 11)
overhyped Spielberg movie (June 29)
movie based on a video game (June 15)
alleged comedy (June 8)
talking animal movie sequel (June 22)
bad movie (June 1)
another bad movie (June 1)
another bad John Travolta movie? (June 8)
[sigh] driving movie (June 22)
animated movie (June 8)
companion piece sequel (June 27)
unintelligible British movie (June 15)
alleged comedy (June 29)
let's-all-throw-our-money-at-Julia-Roberts-because-dammit-she's-America's-sweetheart movie (July 18)
threequel (July 18)
best movie of the year (July 13)
Scary Movie 2! (July 4)
musical adaptation (July 20)
teen movie (July 20)
piece of crap movie starring P. Diddy (July 18)
movie that nobody's gonna see (July 13)
animated movie based on a video game (July 11)
talking animal movie (July 4)
talking animal movie remake (July 18)
martial arts action movie (July 6)
teen movie sequel (Aug 10)
martial arts action movie sequel (Aug 10)
chick flick (Aug 17)
remake (Aug 17)
stupid kiddie fairy tale shit (Aug 17)
inaccurate interpretation of history that's first and foremost a love story…like Pearl Harbor (Aug 17)
lame horror movie (Aug 24)
threequel (Aug 10)
live-action/animated movie (Aug 10)
Bubble Boy (Aug)
piece of crap movie starring Mariah Carey (Aug 31)
a western? (Aug 17)
Woody Allen movie that nobody's gonna see(Aug 10)
lame horror movie (Aug 24)
Hmmm. Do you see any patterns here?

Who should win the tag team TLC championship match? (out of 23937 votes)
Christina and Jon Bear
"the incredible limpets" • 4072 votes • 17%
Stephanie and Valerie Chen
"girls gone wild" • 9375 votes • 39%
Derek and Stephanie Fong
"massachusetts machina" • 7 votes • 0%
Seth and Henry Freedland
"hair supply" • 10483 votes • 44%
The response was overwhelming. Don't blame me if any of you get carpal tunnel syndrome.

Derek and Stephanie Fong – you guys looked like you could use some help, so I gave the Massachusetts Machina one more partner. See the Wrestlepalooza card for more information.

Voice of Tofu

I ate 40 bucks worth of sushi last night, and I promised I'd spend some quality time today with my bowels. In the meantime, enjoy my senior thesis which, by the way, I got a perfect score on. Take that, Pearl Chang.

And now, the answers to…
Did Jesus Say That, or Billy Joel?
"Don't forget your second wind."
Billy Joel
"Only the good die young."
Billy Joel
"Drink it, all of you, for this is my blood."
"Blessed are the meek."
"Judge not, and you will not be judged."
"It's still rock 'n' roll to me."
Billy Joel
"I am the light of the world."
"I am the Entertainer."
Billy Joel
"I came to cast fire upon the earth."
"We didn't start the fire."
Billy Joel
"Begone – Satan!"
"Even you cannot avoid – Pressure!"
Billy Joel
"Who touched me? Someone touched me."
"It's all about soul."
Thank you, Chris Harris.



I saw the David Sánchez sextet and the Arturo Sandoval band play at Royce Hall last night. It was the best jazz show I've ever seen, and in my life, I've seen two jazz shows. Not only does Mr. Sandoval play the trumpet, flugal horn, piano, and percussion, he also sings, scats, and dabbles in comedy. I mean, this guy is as talented as I am. If you live in the Bay Area, catch Sandoval and his buddies at Yoshi's when they play six consecutive nights starting Tuesday April 24. Hey, that's tomorrow.

And now, let's play…
Did Jesus Say That, or Billy Joel?
"Don't forget your second wind."
"Only the good die young."
"Drink it, all of you, for this is my blood."
"Blessed are the meek."
"Judge not, and you will not be judged."
"It's still rock 'n' roll to me."
"I am the light of the world."
"I am the Entertainer."
"I came to cast fire upon the earth."
"We didn't start the fire."
"Begone – Satan!"
"Even you cannot avoid – Pressure!"
"Who touched me? Someone touched me."
"It's all about soul."
Answers next time.

Top ten links for April 23:
10 • anti-abortion advocates are gonna love this
9 • calling Ned Flanders!
8 • I've heard of dehydrated water, but…
7 • where's my name?
6 • these guys need to get laid
5 • so does whoever designed this website
4 • making that dreaded blow job less miserable
3 • I think I've found my long lost brother
2 • beyond low couture
1 • like the sims, but cooler

Who should win the bra and panties match? (out of 84 votes)
Mariam Al-Shamma • 81 votes • 96%
Chris Colburn • 3 votes • 4%
People must really hate Chris Colburn. Either that, or they really want to see him wearing a bra and panties. Perverts.

Big and For Rent

Jon: Many people think Rory Hornblower is a figment of my imagination. Well, let me tell you, Rory Hornblower is a real person. Say "hi," Rory.
Rory: G'day. My name is Rory Hornblower and I exist. I am not just some fictional character that Jon made up to hide the fact that he has no friends.
Jon: All right, Rory. That's enough. Hehe…
Rory: I repeat, I am NOT a pseudonym used by Jon in order to make it seem like he actually has a social life.
Jon: Shut the fuck up, Hornblower! And get out of my head, er, house.
Rory: Bloody wanker. [exits]
Jon: So now then. What did I do this past week?
Samn: Ahem.
Jon: Wha-? Who the fuck are you?
Samn: I'm Samn, your subconscience. If I may… This week you had five wet dreams.
Jon: Okay, let's not go there.
Samn: Right. What shall we talk about then?
Jon: Well, Tuesday night, I watched WWF No Way Out with a guy on my floor who always calls me "Bear."
Samn: And you don't know why he refers to you as "Bear." You're not Russian.
Jon: Wednesday night, I went to see Zebrahead, one of my favorite bands, at the El Rey Theatre.
Samn: You thought the show rocked, even though the three openings acts (Handsome Devil, Grand Theft Audio, Sprung Monkey) didn't deserve an hour each.
Jon: Wow. You know me pretty well, Samn. What did I do Thursday night?
Samn: You analyzed different recordings of Pachelbel's Canon for two hours.
Jon: Ha! You fool! That's what I did in class Thursday morning!
Samn: Err…
Jon: You like apples?
Samn: Umn…
Jon: How do you like them apples? Thursday night, I went to see the first screening of The Mummy Returns in Century City.
Samn: Ah…
Jon: It was good for a summer movie, more of the cheesy-special-effects-laden throwaway entertainment of the original Mummy. Conceptually, however, this movie shamelessly steals from everything: Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Gladiator, The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2, The Matrix, etc.
Samn: At least it wasn't Freddy Got Fingered.
Jon: Yeah. I saw that movie Friday night and it sucked George W. Bush ass.
Samn: I mean, how do you finger a guy?
Jon: I dun- Hey, wait a minute… Get the fuck out of the closet, Rory!
Rory: What are you talking about? I'm Samn. I'm intangible. Rory Hornblower is a chimera created by you to partially satisfy that pipe dream of yours of not being a loner.
Jon: That's it, Hornblower. Lock and load. [gets up to attack Hornblower]
Samn: Eres un perdedor! You're a loser, baby, so why d-
Just then, a dark green Ford Explorer crashes into the room. A man gets out of the car. It is…Rory Brown.
Jon: Oh my God. It's Rory Brown. [whimpering] Don't rape me.
Rory B: Be quiet, you pathetic dickhead. I know how reverse psychology works. Now, we Rorys of the world have to stick up for each other. C'mon, Hornblower. Let's go to Denny's. But first…
Both Rorys proceed to beat on Jon until he is a bloody mess. Then, they go to Denny's.
Jon: [vengefully] I'll get you, Rory Brown. See you at Wrestlepalooza!

Who should win the inferno match? (out of 27 votes)
Eminem • 8 votes • 30%
Tiger Woods • 19 votes • 70%

Smells Like Bean Spirit

Farting – you know you do it. We all do it. It feels good when you do it. Why, then, is it socially unacceptable to do it in public?

We live in a culture where day in and day out people are persecuted for performing one of the natural processes of expelling gas from the human body. Breathing is okay. Burping is okay. Farting, however, is a criminal offense.

Is it the odor of a fart that's the problem? I don't know if you've noticed, but burps aren't exactly air fresheners themselves, and your breath can stink pretty badly too. Homeless people smell like shit and we give them money for doing so. Why not give a buck to your best friend the next time he or she farts instead of running out of the room gasping for "fresh air"?

Our society has painted such a negative picture of farting that nowadays, it's considered an embarrassing thing for one to do. I mean, people today actually apologize for farting. Farting is not something to be ashamed of. It's really not the anathema that folks make it out to be. Homo sapiens were designed to fart. Realize that whoopie cushions and "pull my finger" jokes are funny simply because we still think of farting as taboo. Only when we fully embrace farting can we create a more perfect union.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna fart. Anybody got a lighter?

In other news, Blink-182 is headlining Live 105's BFD 8 and KROQ's Weenie Roast this year.

If this doesn't offend you, nothing will.

Right, left, right, left, onetwo punch.

Who should win the submission match? (out of 137 votes)
Alex Roome • 90 votes • 66%
Haley Joel Osment • 47 votes • 34%

Somebody has a secret admirer.

Memos from Iceland

It's a good week for movies. On Friday (4-20!), Freddy Got Fingered and Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles hit theaters everywhere. I can't wait.

We interrupt this post for a message from Martin:

"My cows are coming down on me and the utters wish they were like those in that new Tom Green flick. Is Tom supposed to be "Freddy" or is it some chick and you have to see the movie to win a chance to finger her? Who names their daughter Freddy, anyway? What dickheaded parents!"

Well said, Martin. The only female Freddy I know of is Freddie Mercury. Hahahahaha. Get it? Freddy and Freddie? Hahahahaha. It's a homonym! Hahahahaha.

Now back to the regularly scheduled post.

I cry every time I see the movie preview for Pearl Harbor. It's just so moving. "It was the end of innocence, and the dawn of a nation's greatest glory." Listen to those words. Don't they break your heart? You know, Pearl Harbor actually looks like a good historical movie, if you disregard the fact that it stars Ben Affleck and was made by the team that brought us The Rock and Armageddon.

You need balls to name your son "Christian," because that's putting a lot of pressure on your kid to live up to his name. Being a manic-depressive named "Happy" or a washed-up B-actor named "Judge" is nothing compared to the torture of going around in life with the name "Christian," especially when all you really want to do is get circumcised and eat matzah every April for a week.

I also feel sorry for those Mexicans named "Jesus." People are always claiming that Jesus loves them. Well, what if you're a misanthrope named "Jesus"? What do you do then?

When I marry Cameron Diaz, convert to Mormonism, and have kids, I think I'll fuck up their lives too by naming them "Catholic," "Buddhist," "Hindi," "Krishna," "Muslim," "Scientologist," "Shintoist," "Taoist," "Wiccan," and "Jehovah's Witness," respectively. Oh wait, that only accounts for ten of them. Let's name the twins "Rapist" and "One Testicle" for good measure. Cheaper by the dozen. Hey! Must be the money.

Dear CDNow:
No, I don't want to save 15% off my next purchase. Look, I bought one (one!) record from you guys three (three!) years ago, and I would extremely appreciate it if you would STOP FUCKING SENDING ME FUCKING E-MAILS FUCKING INFORMING ME THAT I CAN FUCKING SAVE 15 FUCKING PERCENT OFF MY NEXT FUCKING PURCHASE! Thank you.

I pulled the first official Wrestlepalooza poll prematurely because it was going nowhere slow. The results:

Who should win the triple threat last man standing match? (out of 19 votes)
Fred Durst • 0 votes • 0%
Daniel Clemens • 1 vote • 5%
Tim Farrell • 18 votes • 95%

I want to know who voted for Daniel Clemens. Nonconformist bastard.

Fat Lip

If I could sue everybody who's ever called me a "fucking retard" for defamation of character, I'd be a fucking rich "fucking retard."

Elizabeth is a psychology major. Eric is a film and/or English major. Jose is a journalism major. Sarah is a biology major. Paul is a communication studies major. I am a major asshole. Or "fucking retard," to be exact.

I have come to the conclusion that I just might spend my life as a "fucking retard," a Forrest Gump, forever traveling from one job to another. I've always been somewhat of a dilettante, born into this world an overly-ambitious ADD-stricken boy with an insatiable interest in many different fields of work. Choosing a major is really hard for a "fucking retard" like me. Unfortunately, you can't major in cynicism here at UCLA, and quadruple-majoring simply isn't practical.

Uncertain about my future, I recently made a list of 22 jobs that I am seriously considering:
1. movie director
2. music video director
3. screenwriter
4. graphic designer
5. Abercrombie & Fitch model
6. wrestler
7. blow
8. Vice President of the United States
9. chairman of the YKK zipper company
10. substitute teacher
11. director of programming for MTV
12. ad man
13. choreographer
14. Taco Bell manager
15. clown
16. pediatric gynecologist
17. coroner
18. Mr. Spears
19. David Letterman's replacement
20. lead singer of a punk rock band
21. general manager of a radio station
22. retard fucker

Talk about an external hard drive.

After reading this, I question if human beings are the most intelligent species on Earth.

Human beings, however, will always be more intelligent than their best friends.

How is this funny?

the thunderous gods have risen to the puffy clouds and the rain has been pouring then stopping then pouring then stopping and now some crazy blue cows with three sperm propellers are coming after me

Why must Passover be so fuckin' long? I thought that's what Hanukkah was for. It just so happens that during Passover, the dining halls at school only serve "Passover friendly" food. This week, I've eaten Passover friendly meatloaf, Passover friendly lasagna, and Passover friendly eggplant parmesan, among other things, and with all due respect to the kosher diet, this Passover friendly food didn't exactly pass over friendly with my digestive tract.

Today, the guy next door asked me, "Are you a babe shopper?" Hold up. What the fuck is a "babe shopper"? And who the fuck uses the term "babe shopper" besides the loser that is my neighbor?

Is it just me, or does that new Tom Green flick Freddy Got Fingered look like the worst movie ever made? I don't understand why my good buddy Anthony Michael Hall would agree to be in this movie. The print ads for Fingered have "babe shopper" written all over 'em, with Green in some strange Canadian pose and the caption "this time you can't change the channel." Yeah, this time we can't change the channel, but we can go see something else, something actually worth $8, like Joe Dirt.

All 22 originally-booked Wrestlepalooza matches have been announced. Don't know what Wrestlepalooza is? Refer to the April 9, 2001 post in the archive. I added a match at the request of Marianne Madden and will try to accommodate everybody else who wants a match too. Now, if you people could just clog my inbox with feedback at, it'd be great. I'll post everything I get. I swear.

Take Off Your Pants and Jacket

What are these mysterious boosts they put in your drinks at Jamba Juice? They claim these boosts help your body absorb more of what it needs (crack?), what with being chock full of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and herbs, but dammit, those sacks of powder behind the counter look like ground-up sheetrock. Do these boosts even contribute to your health? I'm still waiting for that ginseng and gingko biloba in the Strawberries Wild I had yesterday to energize my mind and body. Energy boost, my ass. Sounds like the move of a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger. I know, I'm so not "hip with it." Why else would I find the following joke hilarious? Vita! Energy! Protein! Immunity! Fiber! Femme! Captain…Planet! Hehe.

By the way, Coldbusters don't work.

If there's any artist who deserves an award for most satisfying music video library, it's Fatboy Slim. Mr. Norman Cook has yet to make a crappy video. Let's reminisce:
"Going Out Of My Head"
the story of a boombox in the old school 1980s
"The Rockafeller Skank"
visions of disco cowboy culture
"Gangster Tripping"
five minutes of exploding objects
"Praise You"
the Torrance Community Dance Troupe (led by Spike Jonze) dances in front of the Mann Bruin theater here in Westwood
"Sunset (Bird Of Prey)"
Lyndon Johnson's infamous daisy girl television campaign advertisement + skydiving
"Weapon Of Choice"
Christopher Walken dances in an empty hotel
The "Weapon Of Choice" video, directed by Spike Jonze, is now in heavy rotation on MTV and MTV2. Watch it. I say it's a lock for video of the year.

Adam Duritz (of Counting Crows) and Babyface wrote the songs for the Josie And The Pussycats movie. Dude, that's fucked up.

Brush your teeth every day or you're probably gonna need this.

I see junior college in this kid's future.

Somebody explain this to me.

This just may be the ugliest website on the internet.

When people talk about watercolor, this is what they mean.

Sic Semper Tyrannis

I don't know when it started. I think it was last August. I was bored, anchored in front of the television sifting through 900 channels of unwatchable crap, when I stumbled upon something I'd never thought would interest me. But there I sat, completely engrossed in footage of a 1996 Olympic gold medalist fighting with an intimidating white steroid-pusher (who, by the way, needed a haircut and a shave) over the affections of whitey's wifey. The acting was sub-par and the production value of the program was awfully cheap, but I ate up every minute of it. What is this fascinating show I was watching, you ask? [sigh] WWF Raw Is War.

Yes, wrestling. Okay, I'll be honest. In high school, I used to think the kids who liked wrestling were idiots too. But ever since that fateful August night, I've become obsessed with this paradigm of sports entertainment, acquiring a new found appreciation along the way for the workers and fans who made Vince McMahon a billionaire. I mean, where else can you get your fix of action, comedy, drama, horror, romance, and sports in one place, on one night…for free? Let's see Jeff Kent don tights, jump off the step on a 12-foot ladder above the step that says, "do not step above this step," and blade himself to pretend that the metal folding chair he fell on actually busted his head open – all for the amusement of the masses.

And so, I am pleased to announce the inception of Jonathan Yu's Wrestlepalooza, the granddaddy of imaginary sports entertainment events on the internet. It all goes down May 9: 22 exciting matches (with the possibility of more being booked) featuring your favorite celebrities and a little help from my friends.

Get to know the Wrestlepalooza lineup all this week. Check the card every day to see the latest additions to what is shaping up to be an amazing showcase of fake debauchery.

In the past weeks, I have unsuccessfully tried to make an adversary out of Rory Brown, who turns out to be the most passive guy in the world. I have unsuccessfully tried to get Adam Riff™ to hate me, going so far as to trademark his name. I have even unsuccessfully tried to get Britney Spears. Well, at Wrestlepalooza, Jonathan Yu, Rory Brown, Adam Riff™, and Britney Spears will play in the main event – a fatal fourway hell in the cell match. Four human beings with absolutely nothing in common, locked in a 20-foot-high steel cage, every person for his or her self, all in search of the elusive three-count pinfall and sole possession of Jonathan Yu's soul. That's right, buddy. I'm putting my soul on the line for entertainment purposes.

Now, in real life, I'm sure that Rory Brown would beat the living shit out of me, and even though I've never met him, I'm sure that Adam Riff™ could kick my ass too. Remember, however, that Wrestlepalooza is not real; it's a figment of my imagination. I haven't figured out how the winners will be determined yet. I want people to send feedback to (which I'll happily post and take into consideration), but knowing my readers, I don't think I'm gonna get any responses, so I'll probably end up engineering wins and losses myself. But if you really want to see, say, Adam Riff™ cut my balls off, put 'em in his mouth, and chew 'em up like teriyaki chicken, drop me a line. Help us make this Wrestlepalooza the best one ever. We're here for the people. Who knows? You might even find yourself in a match. Stay tuned.

Failure to Communicate

I heard David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell speak at Royce Hall on Thursday night. Funny shit. "When I was growing up pretentious…"

I saw a guy using a headset connected to his cell phone so that he wouldn't have to hold the phone while talking. What's next? I know! Let's implant antennae in our brains so that we can just channel thoughts to each other without having to talk at all.

Credit America Online's Instant Messenger for reducing the typical conversation down to a bunch of misspelled sentence fragments. It's quite a paradigm shift for the English language, if you ask me. "Like"-ridden banter has been superseded by acronyms and smiley faces, especially this one:


People use that one a lot. Only on AIM can you get away with winking after everything you say. In the real world, we call that "making a pass."

I also hate this smiley:


I simply don't understand what sticking out your tongue to the left represents and why everybody feels the need to stick out their tongue so much on AIM. I mean, look at it:

What the fuck is that little face doing? And what is its facial expression supposed to say? I, for one, interpret it as: "Hi, I'm mentally retarded, and look, I just said something clever." Either that or: "Hi, I got my tongue pierced and it ith thery thollen. Pity me and laugh at my unfunny joke."

Nowadays, the gauge of your sense of humor is not laughter, but rather how ridiculous your buddies, family, and co-workers sound on AIM. If they type "ha," "haha," "heh," "hehe," or any variation thereof, then you've amused them. If they type "lol" or "hahahahaha," then you've really amused them. If they go so far as to type "roflmao," however, then you must be Jonathan Yu.

The ending of chats is always so impersonal on AIM. Granted, we'd all sound pretty stupid saying things like, "Oh, my dearest beloved, parting is such sweet sorrow," but at least that's better than the abrupt hang-ups you usually get. "Gotta go," "brb," and "ttyl" sound like something a frat boy would say to a girl he just raped.

Movie of the week: Memento. Total mindfuck.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Notes on my spring break:

Matt Neely and Paige Price are moving in together, while Andy Paul is moving to Sacramento.

It was Tolerance Week at Mountain View High School.

Jose said, "A lot of white guys must hit on you." What the fuck? This from the same guy who told me that Ang Lee was gay.

I think it's about time that the teenage boys of America collectively pull up their pants.

My grades for winter quarter 2001:
Air Pollution • A
The U.S., 1963 To 1974: Politics, Society, And Culture • A
Principles of Oral Communication • B-
So that dickhead of a teacher wants to give me a B-, huh? Suck my fuckin' cock, you shit-eating asshole!

Thanks to Dan Means for letting me watch WrestleMania X-Seven at his house. There's really nothing like gawking at men in tights for four hours with a bunch of guys you don't know, including one ("Grant") who apparently drove two-and-a-half hours to see the show.

They call WrestleMania X-Seven "the showcase of immortals." Right… Imagine if every semi-important event was called "the showcase of immortals." Josh Karlin-Resnick's bar mitzvah – "the showcase of immortals."

Babies can be cute, but they can also be downright annoying. Somebody should make a baby muzzle or gag to shut the little fuckers up on airplanes.

Duke won the NCAA men's basketball title. Didn't see that coming.