In Other News

Rapist, Inspired by Bible, Cuts Off Penis
A convicted Brazilian rapist sliced off his own penis and flushed it down the toilet, saying the amputation would bring him closer to God. Prison guards said they found Flavio dos Santos Cruz, 23, screaming and profusely bleeding in his jail cell early Thursday after he cut off his penis with a shaving razor. "He's alive. But since the penis was missing, he now will have to urinate through a tube," said urologist Aerton Barbosa Neves, who operated on Santos Cruz in the town of Andradina, about 410 miles from South America's biggest city of Sao Paulo. Santos Cruz said he was inspired by the Bible. "It is written in Bible that if a part of your body distances you from God, and makes you commit a sin, you should cut it off," he told local news wire Agencia Estado. Since Santos Cruz did not cut off his testicles, Neves said the rapist could still ejaculate – possibly while dreaming – and even impregnate someone, albeit only with medical assistance. Prison officials could not immediately say how many people Santos Cruz had raped and did not know the length of his jail sentence.

Woman Who Bit Off Testicle Is Jailed
A British woman who bit off the testicle of her best friend's husband's in a drunken fight was sentenced to six months in prison Monday. Judge Gerard Harkins said the injury inflicted was so serious that a non-jail sentence could not be justified. Carr, a mother-of-two, was celebrating with her husband the wedding of Neil and Shelley Hutchinson at a flat in Tyneside, North East England, when a drunken argument turned into a violent brawl. Carr, who pleaded guilty to affray, stepped in to defend Shelley Hutchinson after her newly-wed husband attacked her. Neil Hutchinson then pinned Carr to the floor at which point she bit through his jeans and testicle. Carr's lawyer told the court his client acted in self-defense and did not know which part of Hutchison's body she was biting. Police called to the scene found the testicle, which could not be reattached, under a picture frame on the sitting room floor.

Sausages Pile Up But Hot Dogs Off Menu
Brazil's Sao Paulo city government has more frankfurters than it can handle but not a bun in sight because a vengeful supplier has managed to stop deliveries of the soft rolls. The hot dogs were destined for school lunches but bun supplies to Brazil's largest city have been blocked since October as a result of a court order filed by an irate supplier who lost out on the city's bread contract. "We've got sausages coming out of our ears," said Dernal Santos, press spokesman at Sao Paulo's Municipal Supplies Secretariat, which supplies almost one million meals a day to city schools. Time is running out for the city's 122-ton cache of frankfurters which will be rotten by the end of March. City authorities have managed to whittle the wiener pile by cooking up pasta and rice dishes with frankfurter-based sauces to feed Sao Paulo's schoolchildren. With schoolchildren due to return from summer holidays on Feb. 8, officials may have to turn to fresh daily-baked buns instead of the usual packaged hot dog rolls to use up the sausage stack, Santos said.

Deadly Laundromat Games
A laundromat owner in the Welsh seaside town of Tenby is in a spin after youngsters were caught playing a potentially deadly form of dare – in a heavy-duty tumble dryer. The schoolboys, some as young as 10, were paying 20 pence (30 cents) a time to see who could spin inside the dryers the longest. Launderette owner Stuart Fecci, 36, said Wednesday the dryers became dangerously hot once they had been running for a few minutes. In addition, the machines are gas-fired, producing potentially deadly carbon monoxide gas. "It's not harmful to clothes, but it's definitely not designed for humans," Fecci told reporters.

Car Thieves Drink HIV-Infected Blood
Two members of a gang of Brazilian car thieves may have drank vials of HIV-infected blood – thinking it was a yogurt drink – found in a stolen car, officials said on Wednesday. Over the weekend, six armed bandits overpowered a worker at a medical laboratory in the remote western state of Rondonia, and stole his car while he was on the way to the airport to ship blood samples to a distant laboratory, a spokesman for Rondonia's security secretariat told reporters. "The blood samples came from AIDS patients and were being shipped for further tests," the spokesman said. HIV is the virus that causes AIDS. The thieves sped out of town, but made a brief stop at a bar on their way. After a few stiff drinks, two members of the gang uncovered the vials and gulped them down, mistaking them for drinkable yogurt.

Arrow Pierces Woman's Skull in "William Tell" Act
A William Tell-type circus act went horribly wrong when a performer trying to shoot an apple off his wife's head with a crossbow hit her under the eye instead. The woman, whose skull was pierced by the arrow, was in serious condition in hospital after the incident involving the Gray Arrow husband-and-wife team in front of 5,000 spectators at the World Circus Festival Sunday. "It's incomprehensible. They've got that routine down to the nearest thousandth of a millimeter," Gilbert Edelstein, director of the Pinder-Jean Richard circus, told French radio Monday. "There's a serious risk because the arrow pierced her skull. She can't be operated on for another week, so it's especially important that she does not develop an infection," said Edelstein, whose circus hosted the festival. Edelstein said the circus would continue its tour of France despite the accident. "That's circus life. Sometimes there is a catastrophe, but the show must go on."

Cop Stitches Mouth Shut in Protest
One Mexico City policeman Monday stitched his mouth shut and another tried to have himself crucified – by driving a nail through the palm of a hand – to protest their alleged unlawful dismissals. Jose Gonzalez, who claims he and nine of his colleagues were fired by a corrupt superior officer, marched through Mexico City streets bearing a wooden cross before reaching the capital's main square for his planned ritual crucifixion. As masses of curious Mexico City onlookers gathered, officer Humberto Vazquez used a nylon thread to sew his mouth shut. Authorities only showed up and offered to talk to protesters after Vazquez attempted to nail his comrade to the makeshift cross. "We are going to go to the ministry to talk," Vazquez said through sutured lips. "We'll see what happens."

Smash or Trash?

"one website's opinion of contemporary music"

Aaron Carter
"That's How I Beat Shaq"
Backstreet Boys
"The Call"

Crazy Town
"Ooh, It's Kinda Crazy"

Dave Matthews Band
"I Did It"
PJ Harvey
"Good Fortune"

evan and jaron
"Crazy For This Girl"
"Still On Your Side"


Linkin Park
"In The End"
Insane Clown Posse
"Let's Go All The Way"

"Don't Tell Me"
Jennifer Lopez
"Love Don't Cost A Thing"

The Offspring
"Want You Bad"
Green Day

Our Lady Peace
Nelly Furtado
"I'm Like A Bird"

"Walk On"
"My Everything"

Snoop Dogg
"Snoop Dogg"

American Hi-Fi
"Flavor Of The Weak"
"You Make Me Sick"
Ricky Martin with Christina Aguilera
"Nobody Wants To Be Lonely"
Shaggy featuring Rikrok
"It Wasn't Me"

Noise Addict

The word "fuck" appears 167 times on Limp Bizkit's record Chocolate St*rfish And The Hot Dog Flavored Water.

Oasis singer Liam Gallagher is hated more than Saddam Hussein, according to a popularity poll. The survey placed Gallagher just behind Adolf Hitler and Slobodan Milosevic on its most-hated personality list.

Hear the potty mouth of Britney Spears backstage at the Rock In Rio festival in Brazil.

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The Decline of Western Civilization

Introducing the first installment of a new series devoted to the icons of American culture. You know what we're talking about – AOL instant messenger, green ketchup, Miss Cleo and her free tarot card readings – things like that. This week's inductees come courtesy of Spin magazine:

Spring water can be cool and refreshing, but it never got you wasted – until now. "We're conquering the last frontier," says Steve Valentine, spokesman for DNA, the world's first and only alcoholic spring water – and, with a 5 percent alcohol content, we suggest shotgunning it. Brought to you by Wet Planet Beverages (the folks behind Jolt, the cola with the comedown), DNA is aimed at "young professionals and the fashion crowd," says Valentine. "It's slick and urban. It's high-tech water." Now if only somebody could do something about that oxygen.

Jonny Glow
Jonny Glow is uniquely designed to "help you see where you are going" in the middle of the night. Once applied to your toilet, the glow-in-the-dark strips of Jonny Glow will help you to accurately use the facilities without missing and creating unwanted mess. With only a fifteen minute charge from normal bathroom light, this industrial strength material will glow for ten full hours.

The Pathetic Adventures of Rory Hornblower

Greetings, earthlings (and Ross Fischer). My name is Rory Hornblower, and I am Jonathan Yu's new full-time Communist, er, columnist. First of all, I would like to apologize on my boss' behalf for the delay in getting our website up and running in 2001. What can I say? The guy's a sex maniac. I mean, this is a man who reads Britney Spears for the articles. But enough about him. Let's talk about me and my trip back home for the holidays. Garden Grove is a nice place and all, but if you really want to live, get your ass to Mountain View, CA – a quaint suburb of 100,000 that's home to my family, Microsoft, and an amphitheatre built on a pile of shit.

It was dark outside, and no, I'm not talking about Rosie O'Donnell's vagina. Where were all the Christmas lights which usually accompany the season of feeding homeless people? Maybe Tim Burton was filming a movie here. Or maybe I had boarded the wrong flight and flown to Israel instead. Oh, wait a minute. That's right. California has no power. Apparently, those rubber fish are more popular than I thought. I still wish my hometown could at least try to get into the holiday spirit. Then again, this was the same city that decided to welcome the "millennium" with a mass bell-ringing.

One cold December night, I paid a visit to Mountain View High School, and walking through the empty halls of my old stomping grounds, it all came back to me – the drug busts, marching band rehearsal, the drug busts at marching band rehearsal, Stress Awareness Week, and the time I lost my virginity, found it crumpled up in Martin Roark's backpack, and lost it again in a maelstrom of licentious passion to Shea Anderson in the dark room of the photo lab. What fool this mortal be. How could I have been so puerile? I never loved her. My heart always belonged, and still belongs, to Diane. Diaaaaaaaaaane!

Besides the fact that it looked like South Central, caged in by a disconcertingly large graffiti wall, what struck me most about my alma mater was how new age it had become. Idealism saturated every corridor, and I couldn't help but feel that it was a phony kind of idealism – imposed optimism, if you will. I mean, there was less sincerity here than there is parking at the Special Olympics. Everywhere I went I saw postings preaching the "you can do it" attitude. One particular flyer that caught my attention hawked a new organization called Women Enlightened, as if women have been locked in a cave for the past 50 years. I have a feeling this club won't last very long, because sooner or later, women will discover fire, learn how to use tools, and marry Mormons. What's more, who knew that Mountain View had its own Latino Movement too, meeting every Wednesday during lunch to "discuss hip-hop dance contest & resource fair"? This is what it has come down to, folks: the achievements of Cesar Chavez beget freaking slutty girls at a fucking resource fair.

Speaking of a Latino Movement, I saw the movie Traffic and I have to say, Benicio Del Toro, if you're reading this, you can do my garden work any day.

On the trip back to Southern California, there was a billboard for Forbes magazine that told me to "Proliferate Capitalism." Why? What has capitalism done for me lately? Power shortages, another Bush administration, and Temptation Island. Happy Chinese New Year indeed. • RH

Requiem for a Dream

It is our honor to present to you, faithful reader, with Jonathan Yu's new and improved website. The new website is no longer your average run-of-the-mill website. As you can clearly see, the new website now resides on the cutting edge. Our innovative masthead, our prominent mission statement, broadcasting our purpose, and our new fonts and graphics all serve to grab the attention of our readers. Our proudest achievement, however, is the size of my penis. For too long, my penis has been dwarfed by top-of-the-line penii in the area. Mistakes and immaturity have made my penis a laughingstock within the internet community. As we move to larger offices in Garden Grove, CA, so too does my penis desire to carry more weight with its audience. So now then. Jonathan Yu apologizes for suggesting that the only way to make a website fun and interesting is to make a mockery of the system. However, for those of you who enjoyed the clever nuances or hidden messages in the previous version, don't fret. Now, instead of scorning the social norms for a website, we've decided to better them. We're now informative without being sloppy, we're opinionated without being hateful, we're fun without being immature. In short, we have sold out. It has been quite a while since our website has had the self-respect to be in that league. Nevertheless, it is our belief that it's never to late to join. People should also realize this: It is not our goal to entertain you, with a broad story base, interesting subject matter, and comical humor. It is our intention to have all of our readers search out the vagina references, glance at a graphic, and then ignore the rest of the website. After all, we are just a kiddie website. Enjoy and happy reading! • JY