Best Buy?

I was in a record store the other day when I saw that Lenny Kravitz had released a greatest hits album. First of all, the words "Lenny Kravitz" and "greatest hits" do not belong together in the same phrase, and secondly, since when does Lenny Kravitz deserve a greatest hits album? Blur – same thing. Who knew that Blur had enough greatest hits to release a whole album of 'em? Can you name a Blur song other than that "woo-hoo" one? I didn't think so. Even Type O Negative has a greatest hits album out. If they're so fucking great, how come I've never heard of them, let alone any of their "hits"? Attention all musicians: getting famous does not justify the premature release of a self-indulgent greatest hits album. You kinda need the songs to back up the whole "greatest hits" aspect. Why do the Beatles get to release a greatest hits album? Because they have 27 number one hits. When (and if) you get at least five, then maybe I'll reconsider.

Our Top Stories

Al Gore acquitted of all charges of Presidential victory

Breaking news: the earth is round

George W. Bush executes decision
Texas Governor decides to "preserve."
Bush: "It's what you do when you run for President. You gotta preserve."

Breaking news: Mandy Moore has an opinion

Joe Lieberman takes a vacation
"Don't look at me. I'm not the one without a job."

Breaking news: there is no breaking news

President visits Hanoi, addresses Vietnamese
"I've seen the horror. Horrors that you've seen. Just kidding! He he he. I kinda, well, dodged the draft. You know what I have seen though – Hillary's vagina. The horror, the horror."

Speaking of Hillary's vagina…
Election things that sound dirty but really aren't:
Bush boil
dangling chad
hand count
Dick Cheney
too close to call

Breaking news: Hillary breaks silence, hip
"My vagina is not dirty. It's just dusty."

Tom Green hosts Saturday Night Live
Canadian comedian fulfills lifelong dream of hosting popular television show of unfunny sketches
Correction: he's already done that

Bush prematurely celebrates victory with a six-pack of beer and a joyride in Kennebunkport, Maine

CNN regrets jumping the gun in election coverage
"We've made mistakes in our life, but we're proud to tell you we've learned from those mistakes."

Florida state citizens even stupider than Florida State students
19,000 ballots disqualified after hundreds of residents mistakenly voted for Elián Gonzalez while trying to cast their ballot for Democrat Al Gore
Jeff Probst brought in to tally the votes in Palm Beach County
Oregon to Florida: "Florida, Florida, Florida. Who do you think you are trying to steal our title of 'Most Retarded Population'?"

Green party wins 5 percent of green party vote

Janet Reno's sexuality too close to call

Other things Al Gore plans to fight:
Andrew Golota
the spread of genital herpes
for his right to paaaaarty
the urge to masturbate in public

Pat Buchanan wins Election
Reform party candidate pleased to own copy of critically-acclaimed 1999 movie

Rick Lazio blames loss to Hillary on the workings of a vast right-wing conspiracy

Socialist party loses as planned

Walter Mondale to fight election result in Minnesota
"I don't think I won that state either."

American Oddities

If you thought Al Gore's concession retraction was weird, take a look at these actual press releases:
• "Aaron Carter, the younger brother of the Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter, will have his own float in the annual Macy's Day Parade in New York on Thanksgiving."
• "After a mere 10 airings, Slipknot, Iowa's chief hard-rock export, pulled their video for 'Wait And Bleed' from MTV, claiming that it 'was not a proper representation' of the band."
• "The Baha Men's album Who Let The Dogs Out was officially certified platinum Oct. 13 by the Recording Industry Association Of America (RIAA) for U.S. sales of 1 million copies."
• "Limp Bizkit's Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water sold 1,054,511 copies since its release last Tuesday, giving the 'metalheads' the biggest sales debut ever for a rock band."
• "Little Nicky is a devilishly energetic vehicle that contains about as many laughs as Adam Sandler's previous features combined."

Our Top Stories

Arafat and Barak reach agreement
Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper

Clashes erupt in Gaza, West Bank
Demand outgrows supply for PlayStation 2
Mideast on the brink of video game war

Colorado police find Jon Benét Ramsey's killer
Orenthal James Simpson, 53, to be arraigned Wednesday

General Electric introduces new white trash compactor
State-of-the-art appliance heralded as a drastic improvement over trailer parks of yesteryear

Hippies infiltrate Microsoft
Snoops see valuable "source code," monkeys in lab coats

Lorena Bobbitt cuts off funding for National Endowment of the Arts
In a statement released to the press, NEA says, "Ow."

Man registers software
Historic first recorded for publication in Guinness Book

Metallica's career queued

PG&E introduces alternative to gas and electricity
Black power billed as a revolutionary new concentration of energy designed to effect social change
Benefits include increased land, bread, housing, education, clothing, justice, and peace

Steve Allen dies
Former Tonight Show host unknowingly led by kids down a moral sewer only to trip and drown in pool of popular shit