People Magazine's 25 Most Ugly People

Madeleine Albright

Sandra Bernhard

Prince Charles

Warren Christopher


Sam Donaldson

Boy George

Michael Jackson

Paula Jones

Jon Lovitz

Marilyn Manson

A.J. McLean

Rosie O'Donnell


Sally Jesse Raphael

Janet Reno

Keith Richards

Little Richard


Anna Nicole Smith

Howard Stern

Mena Suvari

Linda Tripp

Christopher Walken

Your Mom

Napster Trick Or Treat

Kids love free candy. Grown-ups love free music. This Halloween, satisfy both cravings with these delicious Eminem singles:
"I Remember" A blues infused B-side in which Eminem attacks Everlast
"The Kids" A twisted children's song parody inspired by South Park (Unreleased)
"Turn Me Loose" A funky collaboration with Limp Bizkit, or rather, Fred Durst (Unreleased)

Our Top Stories

ACLU, U.S. clash on drug regulations
Judge will decide whether doctors can prescribe medicinal crack
Fate of local crack clubs in jeopardy

Carson Daly counts down his days as an MTV VJ
Reign at number one not expected to last
After 5 more appearances on TRL, popular host to be retired

Chevron to buy Texaco for $34 billion
Proposed purchase will create cabinet of Bush administration

Costumed man on horseback arrested for breaking and entering
Intruder allegedly trespassed into apartment complex and proceeded to peddle contraceptives to a couple about to make love

Dow closes below 10,000 mark
Nasdaq ends down 43
Governor Mel Carnahan falls 5 miles

Emeril Lagasse's heart goes "Bam!"
Clogged arteries decide to kick it up a notch
Healthy diet of lard and Oreos finally catches up with celebrity chef

Man dies from over inhalation of noxious fumes
Deodorant didn't give him the protection he needed against his worst smelling sweat

Minnesota Twins prepare for Subway sandwiches

Presidential candidates debate Palestinian-Israeli conflict
Bush: "Yassir Arafat – major league asshole."
Gore: "Palestine and Israel need to put their differences into an iron-clad lockbox. I am reminded of the story of Winifred Skinner, an old lady who collected deposit cans to pay for medication and was shot last week for being a kike. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say 'kike'? I-I meant 'Hebrew.' That's the word the polls say I should use, right? Yes…'Hebrew.' In fact, did you know that I invented the Hebrew people? Oh, it's true."

Proposition 16 controversy continues
Proposal to legalize Mandy Moore divides state contingent of adolescent boys

Riot breaks out over parking at the Special Olympics

Santa Claus caught trick-or-treating in Garden Grove
Nick: "Okay, so our Christmas present fund is a little low this year."

U.S. housing crunch temporarily relieved
Navy to rent out watercraft at below market value prices
Says Clinton, "What could be more fun than living on a submarine or a Destroyer?"

WWF superstar The Rock taken down by NRA superstar The Gun
Witnesses smell what The Rock is cooking: gunpowder
Finally, The Rock has come back to the grave

Yankees win World Series for $20 million
In other news, Palestinians sign Roger Clemens to a 3-year contract

There's Something About Britney

And now, a tribute to Britney Spears. Britney Spears, why do I like you so much? I hate your voice, but I somehow find your music irresistible. "She's so lucky. She's a star. But she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart…" Despite the current glut of pop princesses on the market, my heart belongs to you, Britney. Why? Is it because Christina Aguilera looks like a slutty Jennifer Lopez in her latest video? Is it because I could be arrested for fucking Mandy Moore? Or is it because neither Christina, Mandy, or even that bitch Jessica have Britney Spears' Britney spheres? I'll take the latter one for $1000.

Our Top Stories

Anna Nicole Smith donates $450 million to charity
Former husband's inheritance to benefit Pediatric Cancer Foundation
Smith: "They need the money more than I do."

Al Gore inducted into the Rock Hall Of Fame

Athlete flunks drug test, Florida State entrance exam

China approves abortion pill AK-47

Citizens of India come together for one million million man marches
Masses rally against underpopulation

George W. Bush tests positive for bullshit

God found alive and kicking in New Jersey
Nietzsche: "My bad."

Zack De La Rocha rages against Rage Against The Machine

Going Down The Toilet Humor

You and me baby really aren't nothing but mammals. Last Sunday, MTV earned record ratings when their new half-hour comedy show Jackass was watched by 2.4 million 12- to 24-year-olds. It says a lot about our culture when the sight of somebody regurgitating a goldfish transfixes the youth of America. For God's sake, Johnny Knoxville and company make Tom Green look tame, and this was a guy who attended a bar mitzvah dressed as Adolf Hitler. Nevertheless, I have to admit that I think Jackass is a very funny, albeit disturbing show. Just don't be surprised when The NAMBLA Variety Hour hits airwaves next year.

Our Top Stories

Absent-minded rabbi accidentally circumcises 80-year-old retiree
"Silly rabbi! A bris is for kids," say spectators

Cal beat UCLA

Fucking unranked Cal beat UCLA!
Kyle Boller, I develop big throbbing erections every time I look at your damn hippie face

Joe Lieberman condemns Palestinians for marketing violence to children
Meanwhile, death toll in Middle East rises to $3.00 a Jew
And you thought gas prices were high

Miss Palestine pageant postponed
Lack of attractive Palestinian women prompts organizers to reconsider event

Palestine gives peace offering to Israel
Five million Ford Explorers shipped to Jerusalem

U.S. Jews protest high cost of coffee
The $4.00 grande decaf espresso roast targeted as a threat to their well-being

The Next Big Thing: Radiohead

Radiohead hails from Oxford, England, where they first began playing together in 1987. The quintet eventually signed with Capitol for the release of their first album, 1993's Pablo Honey. Their single "Creep" (off Pablo Honey) shot to the top of the singles charts in both Britain and the United States. After the song faded from the charts, however, many accurately passed the band off as a just another one-hit wonder. In 1995, with the release of The Bends, Radiohead went the way of Hootie And The Blowfish, and their alleged comeback album, OK Computer, released in 1997, was lambasted by critics who called it "the most calculatedly disposable recording in rock and roll history." Facing the threat of being dropped from its label, the band pleaded with executives and were eventually given permission to record Kid A, one last final shot at success. It's a tragedy, really, for Radiohead's music, upon closer listen, is truly a stunning art-rock tour de force. I hope you all go out and buy Kid A, released yesterday, because at this point in their career, Radiohead needs all the support they can get.

Our Top Stories

American Olympians strike gold in Sydney
"Hey, the toilets really do flush the other way!"

Bob Knight to form new basketball league
XBA will give viewers unprecedented access to activities in locker rooms and on sidelines
Profanity, chair-throwing, and Latrell Sprewell to enhance action and speed of the game

Darryl Strawberry receives two years' house arrest for being a "major league asshole"

John Lennon's killer more popular than Jesus' killer

Marion Jones races under scandal's shadow
Track and field superwoman's quest for five Olympic gold medals tainted by really bad teeth

Latin Oscar® nominations announced
Cheech And Chong's Up In Smoke leads pack with 12 nominations including Best Picture
Emilio Estevez snubbed once again by Academy

NBC cancels the Olympics
Poor ratings prompt network to pull the plug
Biannual sporting event to be replaced with episodes of Dateline NBC

Opposition rejects runoff in Yugoslav election
Men's 10-meter platform dive competition proposed instead

Supreme Court refuses to hear Microsoft case
Software giant's appeal "not as catchy as 'Who Let The Dogs Out'"