Courting Disaster

Curtis Court, Divorce Court, Judge Greg Mathis, Judge Hatchett, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, Judge Mills Lane, Judge Wapner's Animal Court, Moral Court, The People's Court, Power Of Attorney. What is this American obsession with amateur law? We already have Court TV – a whole cable channel devoted to the courtroom. Isn't that enough? Apparently, no. Leeza Gibbons is now producing Teen Court for MTV and even the Playboy Channel has a show called Sex Court. The bastardization of our judicial system must stop. The only court that belongs on television is a basketball court.

Our Top Stories

Cancer linked to growth of tumors

Fidel Castro recalls one million defected Cubans

Librarian goes deaf; people rejoice

Man punches monkey, doesn't win $20
"What kind of sick joke is this?" asks Man, 35
In other news, woman unable to pick cup with ball under it

New Harry Potter book title revealed
Harry Potter And The Temple Of Doom to be a dark departure for the best-selling series

Jay Leno hates movie
Tonight Show host: "What a load of shit. Horrible fucking shit. In fact, Kevin and I saw it last night."

Sex vs. Violence
Which one is worse?

Bush vs. Gore
Which one is worse?

Happy Birthday TRL!

MTV's TRL celebrated its 500th episode this week. In honor of this milestone, here are five things I hate about TRL:
1 The identification graphic that sits in the middle of the fucking screen. I know I'm watching TRL on MTV. You don't need to remind me.
2 All those good-looking young people who have nothing better to do on a weekday afternoon than to sit inside a cramped studio and watch Carson Daly introduce music videos.
3 All those good-looking young people who have nothing better to do on a weekday afternoon than to stand outside a cramped studio and watch Carson Daly introduce music videos.
4 Shout-outs.
5 The name of the show. Don't call it Total Request Live if you're only going to play a fraction of each video.

Our Top Stories

Internet Explorer arrested for performing illegal operation
Microsoft web browser forced to shut down
Netscape Navigator under investigation

Penis sues man for sexual harassment
Genitalia charges violent beatings on a daily basis

Russian version of Survivor debuts
16 strangers stranded on a submarine at the bottom of the Bering Strait sets ratings record
Millions tune in to watch art mimic life

Success of Calvin peeing decals sparks sequels
New releases to include: Calvin masturbating, Calvin self-fellating, and Calvin sticking his right index finger in his asshole

Swiss army surrenders
Toothpicks and nail files prove to be no match against heat-seeking missiles, atomic bombs

Translating Southern United States English

BARD – verb.
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
USAGE: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH – noun.
A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
USAGE: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS – noun.
A calendar division.
USAGE: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT – adjective.
Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
USAGE: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH – noun.
A tool.
USAGE: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL – noun.
A petroleum-based lubricant.
USAGE: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR – noun.
A conflagration.
USAGE: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS – noun.
A supervisor.
USAGE: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you."

TAR – noun.
A rubber wheel.
USAGE: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE – noun.
A tall monument.
USAGE: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT – noun.
A blood-pumping organ.

HOD – adjective.
Not easy.
USAGE: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD – verb.
To stop working.
USAGE: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED – adjective.
USAGE: "I just flew in from Hotlanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS – noun.
Entitled power or privilege.
USAGE: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats."

LOT – adjective.
USAGE: "I dream of Jeannie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN – adjective.
Not local.
USAGE: "I cudn't unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country."

DID – adjective.
Not alive.
USAGE: "He's did, Jim."

EAR – noun.
A colorless, odorless gas.
USAGE: "He can't breathe…give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR – noun.
A sharp, twisted cable.
USAGE: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE – question.
USAGE: "Ju-here that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE – contraction: pronoun and verb.
USAGE: "Is Bubba smart?"
            "Nah…haze ignert."

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
USAGE: "I ain't never seed New York City…view?"

HEAVY DEW – phrase.
A request for action.
USAGE: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT – noun.
An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
USAGE: "Great…another gummit shutdown!"

written by C.J. Anderson and Bryan Keefer and originally published in the Mountain View High School Oracle as "Sucks To Your Ass Mar"

Fun With A Library

The Los Altos Library has a pin board where they answer patron suggestions and comments. Fun.

My comment:
I think the library should get rid of each and every Harry Potter book in its collection. These are the words that kids hear in school hallways before they get beat up. For this kind of language to be put out there without any sense of responsibility on J.K. Rowling's part – or on the library's part – is simply not something that I can ignore. I am very disappointed that the library continues to support these books as heavily as they do, including a plum spot on the bookshelves.
Library response:
No response.
My comment:
What is the library's policy on employee-patron dating? I saw this hot librarian the other day and I'm thinking of asking her out.
Library response:
What library staff do on their own time is their business. I am acquainted with library workers who met their future spouses in the library. Good luck to you!
My comment:
I understand that the library is supposed to be a quiet place, but as a sufferer of Tourette's syndrome, I find myself having a difficult time living up to the standard, nor do I appreciate solitary confinement in the study room, the only place in the library where noise is acceptable. I suggest that the library implement a designated "loud hour" for those of us who suffer from this devastating neurological disorder.
Library response:
We do not expect people suffering from Tourette's syndrome to conform to the same standards as people not afflicted with the disease. You are welcome at any time but may feel more comfortable here when the library is busier and, therefore, noisier.
I do not think a designated "loud hour" is practicable, but if there are other accommodations you would like to suggest, please speak to me.
My comment:
As a longtime patron, I couldn't help but notice that the Mountain View Library always overshadows this library. What do they have that you guys don't? More bathrooms. So what? I believe that all you guys need is a catchy slogan to boost attendance tenfold. Might I suggest, "the Los Altos Library: Los Altos' premier health club…for your mind!" Or how about, "the Los Altos Library: Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer; come here for salvation." What do you think?
Library response:
I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you write, the Mountain View Library "always overshadows" Los Altos Library.
The Mountain View Library serves a population twice as that served by this library. That could account for Mountain View Library having more bathrooms. The library building in Mountain View was built new, form the ground up, and opened in October 1997. This building was built in 1963 and remodeled in 1993.
The Los Altos Library opens earlier and closes later on Sundays than Mountain View and is open until 9:00 Friday nights. We provide some services not provided by other area libraries, such as telephone service on Sundays and making available both IRS and FTB tax forms.
Our collection of books and other media, particularly in service and technology, in languages other than English, and for young adults is outstanding.
Santa Clara County Library, of which Los Altos and its branch, Woodland, are a part, was rated number two in the United States among libraries serving similar-sized populations. We have much to be proud of. Perhaps that is your point – that we need more publicity. I do not think we want to boost attendance tenfold, however, unless we can also boost our revenues proportionally.
The County Library is working on improving public relations. I appreciate your suggestions.

My comment:
Could you get The Impotence Sourcebook by Christopher P. Steidle?

Library response:
No response.

The 2000 Summer Entertainment Awards

The summer of 2000 in entertainment was one of the most pathetic four months this world has ever seen. We listened to the same music that we did this time last summer, we watched the same television shows, and frankly, no movie was really that appealing (or good, for that matter). Despite slight glimpses of inspiration, a desperate industry exhausted their bag of tricks and set a new standard for what could be considered "entertainment." I think the awards speak for themselves:

Most Annoying Black Guy On A Reality Show Set In New Orleans:
David from The Real World.

Most Annoying Black Guy On A Reality Show Set In Studio City:
William "Mega" from Big Brother.

Most Annoying Black Guy On A Reality Show Set In A Recreational Vehicle:
Laterrian from Road Rules.

Most Annoying Black Guy On A Reality Show Set On An Island:
Gervase from Survivor.

Most Annoying Black Guys In Reality:
Shawn and Marlon Wayans. Did you see them host the MTV Video Music Awards? Dear God. I saw them on The Daily Show and Jon Stewart asked them, "Between the two of you, who gets more ass?" Their answer? "President." Retards.

Runners Up:
The Original Kings Of Comedy. These motherfucking motherfuckers need to motherfucking hone their motherfucking stand up routines just a little motherfucking more.

America's Fastest Growing Dance Sensation:
The arcade game Dance Dance Revolution.

Best Video Featuring Girls In A Dirty Winnebago That Wasn't Pornographic:
Hanson's music video for "If Only." If only we could see some Zac on Taylor action.

15 Minute Man Of The Hour:
Kid Rock. His "American Bad Ass," a recycled version of Metallica's "Sad But True," and The History Of Rock didn't last long on the charts. Guess he's not such a bad ass after all.

Best Case That A Summer Movie Needs More Than Just Good Visual Effects To Be Entertaining:
Dinosaur. This movie is like a blonde – pretty to look at but painful to listen to.

Best Case That A Summer Movie Needs Good Visual Effects To Be Entertaining:
X-Men. The deadly magnetic field didn't look so deadly to me.

Best Case That A Summer Movie Doesn't Need Jack Shit To Be Entertaining:
Godzilla 2000. The scene where Godzilla fights a flying rock is absolutely hysterical.

Where Are They Now? Poster Boys:
LFO. These guys actually released "Summer Girls 2000" in a desperate attempt to cling to the past.

The Old Saturday Night Live Nostalgia Award:
The MTV Movie Awards. If you want real sketch comedy, look no further than to Ben Stiller playing Tom Cruise's stunt double "Tom Crooze," South Park vs. Scientology, and a Matrix spoof with present-day SNL's own Jimmy Fallon as Neo.

Most Garish Image Aside From Michelle Pfeiffer Rubbing Her Crotch In What Lies Beneath:
Any shot from Madonna's music video for "Music."

Best Performance By A Black Guy Playing A Hispanic Guy:
Jeffrey Wright as Peoples Hernandez in Shaft.

Best Performance By A Hispanic Guy Trying Not To Play A Black Guy:
Enrique Iglesias proving that he's neither Milli nor Vanilli on The Howard Stern Show.

Best Performance By A Black Guy Playing A White Guy:
Tiger Woods. Swish.

Most Likely To Succeed:
The Return To Love tour With Diana Ross And "The Supremes."

Biggest Setback For Environmentalism:
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

Greatest White Hype:
The Experience Music Project. What if you built a museum and nobody cared?

Biggest Mental Disappointment By A Comedian Playing More Than One Character:
Jim Carrey in Me, Myself And Irene.

Biggest Physical Disappointment By A Comedian Playing More Than One Character:
Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor II: The Klumps.

Biggest Spiritual Disappointment By A Comedian Playing More Than One Character:
Britney Spears in the music video for "Lucky."

Best Band To Be Into Even Though Their Album Really Isn't That Good:
Papa Roach.

Most Unexpected Comeback:
Bon Jovi. I have to admit that I think "It's My Life" is infectiously catchy.

Most Subtle:
The Perfect Storm. Not even George Clooney deserves dialogue like, "This is the moment of truth," and, "It would be a disaster of epic proportions. It would be the perfect storm."

Most Delicious:
Rodents. Tom Green gives mouth to mouse in Road Trip. A laboratory rat gets devoured by an invisible mammal in Hollow Man. The Survivor Pagong tribe dines on rats a la carte. Jack In The Box…well, that's another story.

Most Creative Use Of The Male Anatomy:
Vince Vaughn's intestine as a musical instrument in The Cell.

Most "Creative" Use Of The Male Anatomy:
What do a Polaroid photograph, a transsexual counselor, and a glory hole have in common? Scary Movie.

Most Created Use Of The Male Anatomy:
The Dirk Digglish dildo in Me, Myself And Irene.

Weirdest Head Trip:
Chuck And Buck. Mike White's sick and twisted stalker comedy about a gawky idiot-savant who spends his life clinging to a friendship he had when he was 11 is severely fucked up and oddly entertaining at the same time.

Breakthrough Performance:
Big Mouth Billy Bass. Who can resist a talking, singing fish?

Most Ironic Song When Put In The Context Of The Napster Controversy:
"I Disappear" by Metallica.

Most Iconic Songs When Put In The Context Of The Napster Controversy:
"Take A Look Around (Theme From M:I-2)" by Limp Bizkit and "Totalimmortal" by The Offspring.

Best Book That Had Nothing To Do With Cheese Or Kids Of The Occult:
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. This collection of essays on living in France (and other things) is hilarious, and I don't use that adjective very often.

Dead Man Walking:
Craig Kilborn. On top of being an unfunny egomaniac with a show that nobody watches, our friend Mr. Kilborn got into big trouble over an "In The News" segment where the phrase "Snipers Wanted" appeared under a photograph of George W. Bush.

Shameless Promotional Stunt:
The post-mortem return of Beanie Babies at McDonald's.

More Shameless Promotional Stunt:
The Britney Spears and *NSYNC album and video at McDonald's.

Even More Shameless Promotional Stunt:
The Backstreet Boys albums and video at Burger King.

Still More Shameless Promotional Stunt:
The Christina Aguilera albums at Sears (Sears!).

Most Shameless Promotional Stunt:
The Republican National Convention in Philadelphia.

Shortest Lifespan:
"Graduation" – Vitamin C.

Most Likely To Confuse His Audience:
Dennis Miller. He's the Tigris and Euphrates of awkward sportscasting.

Happiest Place On Earth:
The Up In Smoke tour. Forget Dave Matthews. Forget Ozzfest. This summer, the road belonged to Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Eminem, and the rest of this hip-hop menagerie.

Special Achievement In Being A Good Song That, When Overplayed, Becomes Really Fucking Annoying:
"Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)" – Nine Days
"Bent" – matchbox twenty
"Desert Rose" – Sting
"The Real Slim Shady" – Eminem.

Special Achievement In Being An Annoying Song That, When Overplayed, Is Still Really Fucking Annoying:
"Everything You Want" – Vertical Horizon
"I Wanna Be With You" – Mandy Moore
"I Wanna Know" – Joe
"Kryptonite" – 3 Doors Down
"(Rock) Superstar" – Cypress Hill.

Best Rapper Who Isn't White And/Or Doesn't Have Severe Anger Management Problems:
Nelly. Anybody who can use the phrase "shimmy shimmy cocoa puff" in a chorus merits praise.

Most Likely To Restore Your Faith In Humanity:
Kathie Lee Gifford's voluntary exit from Live With Regis And Kathie Lee.

Lamest Movie To Somehow Gross Over 100 Million Dollars At The Box Office:
Big Momma's House.

Television Event Of The Season:
The Daily Show's coverage of the political conventions. Jon Stewart and company are woefully underrated.

Television Rerun Event Of The Season:
The West Wing Playing after Survivor, the Aaron Sorkin drama was peachy-keen appointment television. The only thing better was the most excellent West Wing week.

Separated At Birth Award:
Donald Sutherland's ass in Space Cowboys and the boy from Disney's The Kid.

Feel Good Hit Of The Summer:
Incubus. With the TRL favorite "Stellar," a popular acoustic version of "Pardon Me," and "Still Not A Player," a posthumous duet with Big Pun, the SoCal-based band beats out P.O.D. for the title of Feel Good Hit Of The Summer.

Best Fight
WWF Summerslam. It's fake, it's scripted, and it's a hell of a lot more entertaining than, say, The Replacements.

Best Fights:
Gladiator. Duh.

Cock Fight:
Creed vs. Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst calls Scott Stapp an egomaniac. Creed gives Durst a pamphlet on anger management. Durst calls Stapp an egomaniac again. Stapp challenges Durst to a boxing match. It was a rock and roll feud between two cocky lead singers without the balls to act on their words.

Trite Fight:
The parental-advisory-recommended melee at The Source Hip-Hop Music Awards.

Worst Fights:
The Patriot. There's only so much you can do with cannonballs and muskets before it gets old.

Best Reason For Child Labor Laws:
Aaron Carter and Lil' Bow Wow. Prepubescent Carter drops mad rhymes about throwing an out of control party when his parents are gone while the slightly-older Wow boasts about being a bona fide rap star even though he's still wearing jewelry with Mickey Mouse on it. Where's Kathie Lee when you need her?

Freakiest Occurrence:
The rise of 2ge+her. Contrived as a parody of boy bands, Chad, Doug, Jerry, Mickey, and QT now have their own moderately-amusing sitcom, a moderately-amusing music video on TRL, and a moderately-amusing sophomore album in stores everywhere. Who'd a thunk it?

Miss Congeniality:
Susan from Survivor. The snake ate the rat all right, but what it really wanted to eat was tapioca.

Best Quotes:
"Pushy Americans. Always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and over here." – Fowler in Chicken Run.
"These are the years that you're supposed to go fucking wild, blame it all on your parents or society, not have to suffer consequences. Have unprotected sex. Go do drugs. Smoke cigarettes. Drink alcohol. Watch porno. Rent porno movies. Get porno magazines. Porno porno porno. Do whatever the hell you want. Go pick fights. Stay out all night. Go look at the stars. Hang out with friends. Go do what you want. Be reckless. Go to concerts. All that stuff. These are your teen years. And what are you sitting at home having to do? Homework." – Morgan Moss on the short-lived American High.

Worst Quote:
"I want stock options." – Dougray Scott in Mission: Impossible 2. I know somebody who walked out of the theater after hearing that.

Scariest Indication Of Americans Being A Bunch Of Followers:
The scooter – the evil son of SUVs.

Most Egregious Example Of Hypocrisy:
The fact that people decry Eminem's alleged homophobic slurs when they laud Rudy and Sean's (Survivor) blatant use of derogative terms like "queer" and "fat naked fag."

Guiltiest Pleasure:
VH1. MTV's sister station lives up to its "Music First" slogan with an addictive array of programs, movies, and specials that satirize and celebrate at once the art of music.

Most Likely To Succeed At Sucking Ass:
The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle
The Art Of War
Autumn In New York
Battlefield: Earth
Big Momma's House
Bless The Child
Boys And Girls
Bring It On
The Cell
Center Stage
Coyote Ugly
The Crew
Gone In 60 Seconds
Hollow Man
The In Crowd
Me, Myself And Irene
Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Pokémon: The Movie 2000
Thomas And The Magic Railroad
Titan A.E.
Richard from Survivor (oops! wrong verb)
Mysterious Ways
The Opposite Sex
Sex And The City
Sisqo's Shakedown
The X Games
Young Americans

"Fire" – Busta Rhymes
"Stupify" – Disturbed
"With Arms Wide Open" – Creed

Ultimate Survivor:
American public. Let's hope that fall is a bit more entertaining.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Fuck you.

What is your name?
Jonathan Yu.

What is your quest?
To seek the Holy Grail.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
What do you mean? An African or a European swallow?

What? I don't know that.

You talkin' to me?
Well, who the hell else am I talkin' to?

You talkin' to me?
Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think I'm talkin' to?

Where do babies come from?
I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.

How old are you?

What's my age again?
You're 23. Right?

What school do you go to?
UCLA. But you can usually find me at UCI hanging out with my people.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Who let the dogs out?
Who? Who? Who?

Who wants to be a millionaire?
Don't look at me.

If you had my love and I gave you all my trust, would you comfort me?

Did you or did you not have sexual relations with that woman?
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Do you really want it?
Hell yeah!

Will you marry me?
I already told you. I don't want to marry you. I don't even want to comfort you.

Can't we all just get along?
Of course we can. But I just don't find you very attractive, Ms. Price.

Are you gay?
No no no no no. For some reason, I get that question a lot.

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Shaft! And I'm damn right.

Who is Deep Throat?
An African or a European…never mind.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

What would you do?
What? How much wood would I chuck? Oh, don't bring up the gay thing again. Look, I'm straight.

What's my line?
Ha ha. Very funny. It's…straight.

Whose line is it anyway?
Please stop.

Did you hear the one about the priest and the rabbi?
Enough already with the gay jokes! They're not that amusing.

Did somebody say McDonald's?
Yeah. The Backstreet Boys. Did I just make a joke about gays? Huh.

Whatchu talkin' 'bout?

Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
I dunno. The egg?

What would Jesus do?
He'd probably say "the chicken."

Got milk?
Not really.

Where's the beef?
On vacation. Hence, no milk.

Where have all the cowboys gone?
After their cows.

Are we there yet?
How the hell would I know? You're the one asking the questions.

What's the word on the street?
Well, there's quite a few of them. I saw a "signal" today, and an "ahead," and I think I also saw a "slow." I'm not sure.

Dondé está el baño?
I plead the fifth.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
One, if you live in Amsterdam.

What's your favorite state?

Who shot J.R.?
Sue Ellen's sister Kristen.

Who is Keyser Söze?
Kevin Spacey.

Who's on first?

Are you my mother?
Ask my father.

Who's your daddy?
Peter Yu.

Where's Waldo?

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Slow do-

Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight?
Hold it! Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. These questions are impossible. This interview is over.

Can I ask just one more question?
Okay. One more question. But that's it.

What is the meaning of life?
Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

Is that your final answer?
Yeah. Hey, wait a minute…

Jon Yu Recommends

Playmate Of The Year – Zebrahead
What SoCal pop punk rap
Why It's a solid and musically-diverse album from an underrated band
Blend 311 + Green Day + Incubus + The Offspring + Lit + Smash Mouth
Radio Single "Playmate Of The Year"
Sample Lyric "She'll change every year. Even pretty without beer. She doesn't care about my hair, my car, my tiny pee pee in the mirror."
Potential Singles "Now Or Never" – "Wasted" – "I'm Money" – "What's Going On?" – "Subtract You" – "Livin' Libido Loco"