Previously (2010) on Adam Riff™:
My band The Blond Jews and I are currently prepping our follow-up to 2007's Web-rip 128kbps (NUKED) LP. Its working title is A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Darkness, and it is a literary concept album.

I am chuffed to announce my band The Blond Jews' third album, Yuzus, which was hastily recorded over the past month.

Track listing:

1. T.V.M.A.L.S.V.
2. Jason Street MetroTech
3. Scrawny Indiana
4. Employees Must Wash Brains
5. Only Children
6. xXYxXYx (Straight Edge Homosexual)
7. Diphthong Song
8. We Didn't Doubt the Fire
9. Loner in Sweatpants
10. Canarsie

Japanese bonus track:
11. Born Again Irish (Re-micks)

It's a messy album, but hey, they can't all be Stadium Arcadium.

• 22 New York Ice-Cream Spots Debuting Brand-New Flavors for Summer

1

White House Down Syndrome, heh.

Another animated film about auto racing?

Legendary is like Warner Bros.' sugar daddy.

I hereby sentence you to 300 cycles in a dildo!

"I'm a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist!" [chortles] Lois channeling [redacted].

Free association:

Lois Lounds. #hannisteel

You know Clark's not human because he's watching a Kansas football game – against a WAC team, no less!

Inception, The Dark Knight Rises, and now Man of Steel – Christopher Nolan sure likes leaps of faith.

IHOP fight!

Man of Steel Marketing Idea: A mobile phone recording of this IHOP fight on YouTube.

Huh. Man of Steel partnered with Walmart to sell tickets, but Sears is the featured big box store in the film.

It's like a bunch of unsexy brands jointly won the lottery – Nokia, IHOP, 7-Eleven, Sears, Kevin Costner.

Boy, this is a lot of action. It's like Warner Bros. is compensating for Superman Returns.

Boy, this is a lot of collateral damage.

Idea: A Superman video game in which the objective is to destroy as much shit as possible, like Rampage or Blast Corps with characters from the world of Superman.

Wayne Enterprises satellite!

The Kansas football team that Clark was watching was ranked 12th. #12 Kansas played Louisiana Tech in 2008, weeks after The Dark Knight was released. Was that satellite part of Lucius Fox's surveillance system?

2

[checks Twitter]

Mike: Was it me, or were there inconsistencies with the height of Superman's chest hair?

[pause]

Podcast Idea: Jon and Mike discuss film/television minutiae.

[Grown Ups 2 trailer slays audience]

I am the 1%.

Man of Steel partnered with Carl's Jr., but Carl's Jr. is actually featured – and explicitly so – in This Is the End.

Are those ladies walking out? Yup.

I wonder how Tumblr will overblow this rape joke sight unseen.

You'd think James Franco's house would have access to the basement from inside.

'Tis an eventful weekend for dicks on film – baby Superman dick, flying penal dildos, giant demon erection, floppy demon dong, heavenly dick severing.

When did Kevin rejoin the Backstreet Boys?

The producers needed Louisiana's tax credits to film what is basically a bottle episode?

Huh. They flew all those celebrities out to Louisiana for cameos.

Tuesday

[flushes urinal]

Was my urine red?

[...]

[flushes urinal]

My urine is red.

Jon: I think I have a urinary tract infection.
Rory: What? How…? Have you been humping feces?

Jon: I don't have time to search for a physician in New York City. And what if it's nothing? Last time I visited an urgent care centre, they charged me $500 to tell me I had the flu. And that was with insurance! I can ride this out.
Arvind: No, Jon, you can't ride it out. It's an infection that can spread up to your kidneys and become pyelonephritis, which is really serious.
Jon: [sigh]

Bollocks. The free clinic is only open on Saturdays.

Wednesday

INT. NYU MEDICAL CENTRE

1:00 a.m.

Triage Nurse: I'm gonna measure your vital signs.
[...]
Triage Nurse: Whoa. Are you a runner?
Jon: I run a lot, yes, but just to offset what a wreak as a foodie.

Hey, Jon. What's up? Oh, just cleaning my glans with a moist towelette before peeing into a cup.

1:30 a.m.

Hey, Jon. What's up? Oh, just having my testicles fondled by a stranger.

2:00 a.m.

Doctor: You appear to be in good health,

Well, I AM a runner…

Doctor: but your urine contains traces of blood. I ordered a CT scan for kidney stones.

Jon: Is a CT scan the one where they attach shit to your chest?
Pepe: No, that's an EKG. A CT scan is the Stargate.

Guh. $$$$

3:00 a.m.

An orderly enters the waiting area with a wheelchair.

Orderly: Jonathan Yu?
Jon: Yes.
Orderly: Have a seat.

Jon: You know, I can WALK down to the radiology floor…
Orderly: Hospital policy.

3:30 a.m.

Radiologist: [via speaker] Okay. Take a deep breath. Now exhale.
Radiologist: Hmmph.
Radiologist: Can you pull your pants down some more?

4:30 a.m.

Nurse: You have a 2mm kidney stone.
Nurse: Please begin peeing through this strainer so we can identify what caused the stone.
Nurse: And here are prescriptions for Flomax and Percocet.

Nurse: I need to check your vitals before discharging you.
[...]
Nurse: Whoa. Your heart rate. Are you an athlete?
Jon: [blushes]

• Game of Thrones fan asked his dad to name GoT characters from pictures after watching finale

Wrecked my circadian rhythm, but the film I've been working on is finally finished.

Thursday

Pepe [Director]: Where are you going?
Jon: A Franklin Barbecue pop-up feast. See what all the fuss is about.
Pepe: Well, hurry back.

[two hours later]

Pepe: Back already?
Jon: [pause]
Pepe: How was it?
Jon: Oy… I am too old for "all you can eat." I feel like I'm carrying a baby made of brisket.

Jon: I don't know what fatty brisket is, but it is DIVINE.

Jon: Lean brisket, like white meat, just isn't worth eating.

Friday

Jake [Assistant Editor]: …Kings of Summer.
Jon: What about The Kings of Summer?
Jake: Oh. I want to see it. Same director made Successful Alcoholics, which I loved.

Is this real life?

Jon: Okay, ranking noodles:
Jon: 1. Rice pappardelle.
Jon: 2. Fettucine.
Jon: 3. Yi mien.
Jon: 4. Capelli d'angelo, a.k.a. capelli of the angelo…

Saturday

The only place to nap in the office is an armless sofa in the reception area.

I lie down on my back – my sleeping position of choice.

What if I get a boner, though, and someone sees?

Hmmph. My arms are too short to cup my dick.

I switch to sleeping on my side.

Guh. Are there any pillows in the office?

I grab my hoodie and use it as a pillow.

Someone can still catch me with a boner.

I switch to sleeping on my side, but facing the back of the sofa.

This is awkward.

I switch back to sleeping on my back, but with my hoodie covering my crotch.

Okay, now I'm cold. Fuck.

[loud distant banging]

When Pepe is angry, he…hulks out.

Sunday

Jon: Better South Carolina baseball player name: Joey Pankake or Graham Saiko?
Anthony [Assistant Editor]: Saiko G.
Anthony: "Saiko" would be a good name for a Japanese fighting game character.

Jon: Pankake batter, heh.
Jon: Pitcher David Koolaid.

Jon: Tiny Tower is not a particularly fun mobile game, but I can't stop playing it.
Jon: Well, "playing."
Jon: It's like a Tamagotchi.

Jon: Are the Tony Awards in June because it's Gay Pride Month?

Jon: Are the NAACP Image Awards in February?
Jake: Uhh… Of late, yes!

Monday

Is this jazzy, Woody Allen music original?

[Shazams music]

"Momma's Song" – Dan Romer & Benh Zeitlin.

Jon: Hold up. We're using a song off the Django Unchained soundtrack AND a song off the Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack?!
Jon: Might as well work in "Skyfall" too.

Jon: Can you change the font for "indefagitable"?
Jon: Err… Indefagita—
Jon: [pause]

Jon: Indie FATTY, indie FATTY…

• Twitter's 'Florida Man' and the Sunshine State's Weirdness

"Why doesn't Malkin have a playoff beard?"

"Has a player ever donned a fake beard?"

"Evgeni Merkins, heh."