This Is Scotland

INT. CHIPOTLE – NIGHT

Jon: Hey, what's the passcode for the men's washroom?
Cashier: 1-2-3-4-5.
Jon: 1-2-3-4-5? That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[pause]
Jon: Spaceballs? No…?

Tumblelog Idea: Chipotle Stories. I have a few. Surely others do too.

I saw a dude at Chipotle order a burrito to go, throw some napkins and a whole bottle of hot sauce in his bag, and walk out.


Next in line for [Taco Bell's] Freeze line of drinks is the Strawberry Starburst Freeze. [source]

How will it compare to Jamba Juice's "secret" Pink Star[burst] smoothie?


INT. BJ'S BREWHOUSE – NIGHT

The dude sitting beside me at the bar orders a grilled chicken sandwich and chicken pot stickers.

His sandwich arrives, followed shortly by his pot stickers.

"Oof. It's all arriving at once!" he remarks to the server. "Can you bring the pot stickers back in, like, 10 minutes?"

10 minutes later, the server returns with his pot stickers, not re-heated or anything.


Smoking and drinking on a Tuesday night


JC's Mom
Parody of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne

How was I unaware of the Christian parody band ApologetiX until today?

Child King
Parody of "Wild Thing" by Tone Lōc

The Real Sin Savior
Parody of "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem

Choirboy
Parody of "Cowboy" by Kid Rock

19 albums worth of Christian song parodies!


On May 29, 2009, Lōc was rushed to a Florida hospital after collapsing during a concert.

On October 15, 2011, Lōc was hospitalized after collapsing on stage during a concert in Atlanta.

On March 16, 2013, Lōc collapsed on stage at a performance in Des Moines.

On December 6, 2013, Lōc collapsed on stage during a performance in San Francisco.

That Medina's a monster, y'all.



Jingle Bell Rocks! is a personal trip through the alternative Christmas music universe.


Idea: Chopped, but with DJs. Each round, contestants must incorporate four mystery songs into a mix.

Downtown Sasquatch

My celeb sightings in Toronto this year:

Caleb Landry Jones
Chris Rock
Rosario Dawson
Cedric the Entertainer
Jay Pharoah
J.B. Smoove
Leslie Jones
Michael Che
Kevin Smith
Miles Teller
J.K. Simmons
Nick Kroll
Rose Byrne
Bobby Cannavale
Joel McHale
Brit Marling
Hailee Steinfeld
Benedict Cumberbatch
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Channing Tatum
Steve Carell
Mark Ruffalo
Xavier Dolan
Justin Chon
Josh Hutcherson
Jemaine Clement
Dan Stevens


Toronto streetcars are what I imagine public transportation in hell is like.

The urban planner in me wonders why streetcars run down the centre of streets. Driving in Toronto must be maddening, as people boarding streetcars block all traffic in the same direction. It's stop-and-go traffic with stoplights too.


The Toronto subway line that runs along Bloor Street is also known as line 2.

Bloor – "Line 2," heh.


Tweets I didn't tweet while in Toronto:

» I found all the septum piercings in the world. They're in Toronto.

» Today I separately encountered two blokes smoking cigarettes in workout clothes.

» Nothing makes you feel like a shit American than having to swipe your credit card and sign a receipt.

» April Fools' Idea: A software update that causes smartphones to auto-correct Canadian English to American English. cheque > check

» Idea: A crowdsourced database of hotel and coffee shop WiFi passwords.


In my search for Nanaimo bars in Toronto, Yelp directed me to Snakes and Lattes.

Oh I've seen that place. It's across the street from La Carnita.

I trek out to College and Bathurst and discover that I had seen Snakes and Lagers, the spin-off. Snakes and Lattes is at Bloor and Bathurst.

Next: Shakes and Ladders at Dundas and Bathurst? Board game creamery…

Snakes and Latkes (board game deli)
Snakes and Lettuce (board game salad bar)
Snakes and Lardons (board games and bacon)



off the 'riffstagram

The city is my church

It was funny about magic, how messy and imperfect it was. When people said something worked like magic they meant that it cost nothing and did exactly what you wanted it to. But there were lots of things magic couldn't do. It couldn't raise the dead. It couldn't make you happy. It couldn't make you good-looking. And even with the things it could do, it didn't always do them right. And it always, always cost something. [208]

I just finished reading The Magician's Land by Lev Grossman, the Return of the Jedi of his Magicians trilogy.

At the top end you had some fairies squeeing at supersonic pitches; fairies thought all this military stuff was pretty silly, but they went along with it for the same reason that fairies ever did anything, namely, for the lulz. [40]

Drinks were a lot like books, really; it didn't matter where you were, the contents of a vodka tonic were always more or less the same, and you could count on them to take you away to somewhere better or at least make your present arrangements seem more manageable. [60]

In my later life I have known alcoholics, more than a few, and I recognized in their faces some of what I saw in Martin's. Loyal prophets of an indifferent god. [178]

Looks like she was planning to ride this bomb down like Slim Pickens. [267]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

37. Sharpie Card Trick (Wizard Wars, S01E04)

WUT.


Honourable Mention

  • The anguish of Rosarita (Matador, S01E09)
  • Wheelchair drag (Sons of Anarchy, S07E01)

Stray Observations

  • The host is Bizarro cartoonist Dan Piraro?! (Utopia, S01E01)
  • String instrument Metallica! (The Leftovers, S01E10)
  • The Leftovers Season Grade: B-
  • Sex in a Beastie Boys shirt (The Strain, S01E09)
  • RT: "Juice ducked off in the cut eating tuna out the can and doing naked pushups in the dark. Crazy as cat shit." (Sons of Anarchy, S07E01)
  • David Wallace! (The Bridge, S02E10)


(Top Chef Duels, S01E06)

#clipoftheweek


Next year, I'm just gonna live in Toronto for the month of September – and Philadelphia for the month of August. And Seattle for July…

You're all those things and then you're none

Today marks the 14th anniversary of Adam Riff™.

Three years from today, this website will have occupied HALF MY LIFE.

Of course, three years from today, this website may not exist.

Oh who am I kidding?

I'm not sure how I feel about being able to revisit my headspace at any point in my adult life.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

36. Keyser Söze'd (You're the Worst, S01E08)


Stray Observations

  • "I'm a looter." (The Strain, S01E08)
  • Rick Baker cameo – buying wine at a convenience store! (The Strain, S01E08)
  • Jim! (The Strain, S01E08)
  • "I'm awaiting authorization!" (The Strain, S01E08)
  • The topicality of Libby's storyline (Masters of Sex, S02E08)
  • Bill Draper. Will his brother commit suicide too? (Masters of Sex, S02E08)
  • What even is Jaimee's voice? (MasterChef, S05E15)
  • "Jaimee, can you do this?"
    "Hell yeah."
    "Courtney, can you do this?"
    "Yes, chef."
    "Christian, can you do this?"
    "…Yeah, I guess…" (MasterChef, S05E15)
  • Heh. Ve hired all the alums to work on Mockingjay (Face Off, S07E07)


Neville's bishop (Face Off, S07E07)


(The Bridge, S02E09)

  • Charlotte! (The Bridge, S02E09)
  • "I like it when they clap for Bill Murray." (You're the Worst, S01E08)


(You're the Worst, S01E08)

  • A black lad named Trayvon? A black lad named Trayvon (Black Jesus, S01E05)
  • "He supposed to die on the cross, not the Escalade!" (Black Jesus, S01E05)


(The Knick, S01E04)

#clipoftheweek

The Number of the Beast

So the three films I most wanted to see at this year's Toronto International Film Festival – Gone Girl, Inherent Vice, and Birdman – are skipping TIFF to be the opening night film, centrepiece film, and closing night film, respectively, of this year's New York Film Festival.

Moreover, Lionsgate pulled Arnold Schwarzenegger's indie zombie drama Maggie, and screenings for the Bill Murray showcaser St. Vincent and Sweden's much ballyhooed Force Majeure went off-sale before my ticket selection window.

But: Lemonade.

$600 lemonade.

Petrochemical America

Idea: Hire a private investigator to follow podcasters and see if they actually use stamps.com.

Idea: An all-homeless-people season of The Real World. "This is the true story, of seven homeless strangers, picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped."

A war vet, a gutter punk, someone who's HIV positive…

Film Idea: My Black Friend. A white dude desperately wants to have a black friend. After unsuccessfully trying to make one, he resorts to paying a black dude to be his friend. They, of course, end up legit friends. It's a variation on The Toy.