Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. I Want It That Way (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E17)

Honourable Mention

  • Glengarry Glen Ross (Barry, S01E04)
  • Text adventure (Legion, S02E03)

Stray Observations

  • Jay Chandrasekhar (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E16)
  • "You're a muscler, I'm a boner." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E17)
  • "Look, cutting all ties to Deedee and FirstSight will definitely send a strong message to Colin, and it might be the only way, like killing somebody to prove you're not a narc, or showing a john your genitals to prove you're a legitimate male prostitute and not an undercover cop."
    "Because cops aren't allowed to do that, and worst case scenario, the john walks off with a free peek." (Silicon Valley, S05E04)
  • Donald Duck callback (Silicon Valley, S05E04)
  • "Hey! Francine! This crazy man know Judd Hirsch!" (Barry, S01E04)
  • "Can I get one of those with cheese?"
    "Absolutely, Jon Hamm."
    "Can I take a shit in your house?" (Barry, S01E04)
  • "If that Chicken à la King is not the best piece of poultry you've ever had in your mouth, you can kick me right in the genitals. I mean, where are you going at this time of night anyway? Gonna throw your fedora up on a hat rack? Share a warm beer with your parakeet?" (Barry, S01E04)
  • ♫: Little Richard – "Hurry Sundown" (Trust, S01E04)
  • "Are you seriously streaming ESPN+ right now?" (Black-ish, S04E20)
  • "You may invite your gaggle of Kelseys and Callies and other girls whose names pumpkin when they turn 30." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Artem ate all the blankets off the pigs."
    "Now I'm full and you are cold." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Try to make it look like a salad."
    "Avocado, honey, oatmeal – where'd you get all this from?"
    "I raided your beauty drawer."
    "My quail eggs!"
    "I also raided your earthquake kit."
    "My preserved quail eggs!" (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Okay, Bernard, what do you think?"
    "It needs more eye cream." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "Special thanks to Bernard for allowing this many carbs and saturated fats into his home."
    "Yes, I've always enjoyed eating foods that are given out for free if a team makes free throws." (LA to Vegas, S01E13)
  • "A little room fire? That seems safe."
    "Oh, don't worry, I got this. [sniffs] Oh, I should've known that was whiskey." (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "Keep your eyes out for a cow." (Legion, S02E03)
  • "I lost custody of my kids last time I got arrested."
    "What'd you get arrested for?"
    "Beating my kids." (The Last O.G., S01E03)
  • "Nobody wants somebody famous to look just like them." (Atlanta, S02E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Barry


Clickbait is not your friends

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Sep 2016):
A homeless dude slumped over in a wheelchair on the side of a highway exit ramp turned down my La Barbecue leftovers because of an upset stomach.

This happened to me in Seattle. My still warm, leftover Li'l Woody's fries weren't healthy enough for the real homeless of Pine Street.

While walking home today with half a braaibroodjie and a kimchi and oaxaca empanada, I wondered if any homeless person I encountered would want them.

"It's like a grilled cheese sandwich, but with peach chutney and red onion."

"It's like a Hot Pocket, but with fermented cabbage and radish."

Should I just bin them?

We need a way for people with perishable leftover food to connect with homeless people who want to eat it – Begslist!

F4M: Fries seeking man.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Oh, farts (Andre the Giant, 04-10-18)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "In a garbage bag in the middle of the woods. My horoscope was right." (Bob's Burgers, S08E13)
  • "See? This is why we're a great team. I have sugar, and you, you know about breathing." (Bob's Burgers, S08E13)
  • "Ooh, maybe I confessed something fun in my sleep, like I'm really a Russian agent, like, like Felicity." (Bob's Burgers, S08E13)
  • "He let me stay on his couch when Anna Kournikova and I broke up."
    [scoffs] "Well, I mean, she never won a major, so…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E15)
  • Will Shortz (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E15)
  • "So, it would seem that we have become frenemies. Do you know what that means?"
    "Are you trying to imply that I'm too old to understand a portmanteau? I am not, but I am too dignified to use one, friend-enemy." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E15)
  • Mike (The Last Man on Earth, S04E14)
  • "You'd tell me if you harboured nativist feelings, wouldn't you?" (Silicon Valley, S05E03)
  • "Consommé!" (Barry, S01E03)
  • "I hear that TNA is hiring." (WWE Raw, 04-09-18)
  • "I do not want another lizard situation." // "What is your purpose?!" (Black-ish, S04E19)
  • "How do we know that one of these dogs isn't just gonna snap on somebody?"
    "Oh, Duke would never snap at anybody. Would you, David Duke?" (Black-ish, S04E19)
  • "Sorry, no speak English." (WWE SmackDown LIVE, 04-10-18)
  • "What is that?"
    "A Bakersfield mimosa. Sparkling wine and orange Jell-O mix." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "What's a Jayden?" (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "Wow, it is rough out here. No one will even look at us."
    "I know. Is this what it feels like to be a seven? Answer me, Ronnie." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "I'll make Bakersfield Marys. It's just vodka and ketchup." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "You guys look like I feel. Well, not you, Bernard. You're always a stunner." (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "Also, from my time as a roadie for The Huh?, a Who cover band. (LA to Vegas, S01E12)
  • "Where'd your shin go, man?!" (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "This party is a disaster. Our guests have no questions for the panel." (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "Try playing musical chairs with no music! It's just chairs!" (New Girl, S07E01)
  • "Cake beats mail." (New Girl, S07E01)
  • Guest starring Brian Huskey as Merle Streep (New Girl, S07E01)
  • Directed by Ana Lily Amirpour (Legion, S02E02)
  • Juniper (The Last O.G., S01E02)
  • Malik Yoba (The Last O.G., S01E02)
  • "Things are changing back home, opening up. And it's not just politics, it's, it's the young people, it's music, it's, it's different. I mean, they're talking about opening a Pizza Hut in Moscow. You see the papers."
    "What, the Washington Post?" (The Americans, S06E03)
  • "I got an IUD to block them K-I-Ds." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "First of all, my breasts are already on Tumblr." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "This pizza has to go inside him." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "Mm-mm. Chew." (Atlanta, S02E07)

(Atlanta, S02E07)

  • "Drake's nutritionist is my cousin." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • Bostrom's simulation argument (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "It's all fake. There's no Drake. So don't ruin your high and just enjoy yourself." (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • Walking home in Puma slides (Atlanta, S02E07)
  • "Drake's Mexican!" (Atlanta, S02E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Flamingo Dance Lessons

I'm in Chicago for two weeks for a film festival that I helped program. AJ Lee is a panelist! Maybe Punk will show up with her.

From Chicago, I head to Montana for Adam Robot's wedding.

The last week of March, I customized a pair of Vans to wear at said wedding:

"Available 2-3 weeks."

That should be okay. I'll have them shipped to Chicago.

This week, I called Vans to check on my order.

—China's been taking 3-4 weeks. You should receive them by the end of the month.
—That's as much tracking as you can do?!

Fuck. I need them to arrive before the wedding so I can match their shade of pink with one of the 12 pink ties I bought and then return the other 11 so I don't have to transport them with me to Montana.

My contingency plan:

"Next-Day / Arrives 1-2 Business Days."

Hmm… Do I need to order more ties?

I have now seen this male teen at my gym wearing a Big Baller Brand hoodie and a hoodie with this on its front:

I can't stop wondering whether or not the two hoodies are related.

Flap, Pustule, Bulbous

Anthony Michael Hall: You've never seen Man on Fire?
Jon: I think I've only ever seen two Denzel Washington films: Virtuosity and John Q.
Anthony Michael Hall: [pause]
Jon: No, I've also seen Courage Under Fire and The Manchurian Candidate.
Anthony Michael Hall: All the hits…

Live-Thog: A Quiet Place

Why would you have another child? If it was unplanned, why wouldn't you abort it?

Could someone who snores survive by sleeping behind a waterfall?

How were those stairs constructed so that she could pull the tip of a nail up? It would be the head of a nail, if anything, no?

Why didn't she bend the nail flat?

Is the daughter gonna step on the nail too?

Idea: Taglines on film posters as fortune cookie fortunes.

Every con has its pros. (Ocean's 8)
Every family tree hides a secret. (Hereditary)
It's going to be an incredible summer. (Incredibles 2)
Redefine the hustle. (Superfly)
Life finds a way. (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom)

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Obamacare (Legends of Tomorrow, S03E17)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E14)
  • "I can't believe you thought I was the dumb cop. I mean, I've watched Planet Earth – with the British narrator!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E14)
  • Counterpart Season Grade: C
  • "Your lower back hair is catching the light in the most beautiful way. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time."
    "Must be some residual push sweat. I don't know if you heard, but I just took a pretty aggressive dump."
    "I did hear." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E13)
  • "Look at the last guy to create a new internet: Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn. Look, the point is, you need to lead with passion. When you set your mind to it, you're one of the most charismatic people I've ever met, and I have met Ira Glass." (Silicon Valley, S05E02)
  • "Now I wish I could say that this was the first time that one of my students was gunned down in the street, but it's not, and as much as it pains me to say it, it is most likely not the last." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Brought to you by wolf attacking a horse." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "I'd love to play a priest that's molesting little boys." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Siri, what is 'off-book'?" (Barry, S01E02)
  • "I thought this was, like, supposed to be funny."
    "A man molesting children?"
    "Yeah, like how Family Guy is funny." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Are you doing Doubt? Oh, let's not do Doubt." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "Webster's Dictionary defines 'death' as 'a permanent cessation of all vital functions.' It defines 'remember' as 'to bring to mind or think of again.' So, even though Ryan's vital functions have ceased, if we think of him, he will always be with us." (Barry, S01E02)
  • "He could be a legacy kid at my Zamunda."
    "You mean, the fake country that Eddie Murphy left when he wanted to go work at McDowell's?"
    "You watched it?"
    "No, I, I read about it on Wikipedia. You know I can't watch Eriq La Salle!" (Black-ish, S04E18)
  • "You can pick one of three reasons to break up with me: I'm too jealous, I'm too clingy, or I didn't laugh enough at Rick and Morty." (LA to Vegas, S01E11)
  • "The force of the bolt exiting her body blew off her big toe." (The Mick, S02E20)
  • The Mick Season Grade: C
  • Waffle boat (Legion, S02E01)
  • "Wait, were there women with mustaches singing?" (Legion, S02E01)
  • "So I'm supposed to find the Shadow King from inside a daiquiri?" (Legion, S02E01)
  • Legion Cast – "White Rabbit" (Legion, S02E01)
  • Gay little niggas (The Last O.G., S01E01)
  • "Why everything with you gotta be about dick?"
    "What?! The phallus is the number one piece of universal comedy gold. Everybody love a good dick joke. You know it's like Tom, Dick, and Harry. You heard about that, right? Nobody gives a shit about Harry. Everybody wanna know who Dick is." (The Last O.G., S01E01)
  • "You don't want your rectum turned into a parking garage, man." (The Last O.G., S01E01)
  • "What are you doing?
    "What Prometheus did."
    "Horcruxing." (The Magicians, S03E13)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: C
  • Donald Glover as Teddy Perkins (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Oh, I don't have a butler. I just use this to remember things. 'Finish that hat for Dionne Warwick. Wash your hands, immediately.'" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "I have Fiji, and Evian. I'll mix it with some Poland Springs. Maybe a Voss?" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "And let me get a 5 Cheese Krystal combo, no fries."
    "It's cheaper with fries."
    "No fries."
    "That's rich nigga shit, man!" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Look, man, if I leave, I'll regret it, and I got a two regret life limit pact. Somebody gotta take me out if I go over two." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "The nigga look like somebody left Sammy Sosa in the dryer." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "'Sammy Sosa hat.'" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Yo, why this nigga the same color as his fuckin' hat?"
    "Yeah, man, this nigga looks like a white man's penis."
    "Yo, man, why this nigga look like what's under a scab, though?" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "Feel free to Twitter or Blogspot any of it." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "I want this wing of the museum to be dedicated to great fathers: My father, Joe Jackson, Marvin Gay Sr., Tiger Woods' father, Serena Williams' father, the father that drops off Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club…" (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • Darius' phone background (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • "You know, not all great things come from great pain. Sometimes it's love. Not everything's a sacrifice." (Atlanta, S02E06)
  • ♫ Stevie Wonder – "Evil" (Atlanta, S02E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta


Eater's Digest: Las Vegas 6

Previously on Adam Riff™ (Oct 2017):


Palace Pan Roast (Oyster Bar)
—David Chang: "It's the best dish in Las Vegas."

March 2018
paid in full / the black sheep / the buffet at wynn / starboard tack / bacchanal buffet / chica / the buffet at wynn / mian / sweets raku / oyster bar / the buffet at wynn / chengdu taste

Udon Fries (Paid in Full)
animal style

^ Hope you like In-N-Out's Thousand Island-esque spread.

Crispy Tapioca (Paid in Full)
aged parmesan, nori powder

^ A more successful fried appetizer with a chewy interior.

Sweetbread Katsu (Paid in Full)
snow pea, bacon, frisée, bulldog sauce
—The only fried sweetbreads I acknowledge are (The Black Hoof)'s in Toronto.

Foie Gras Okonomiyaki (Paid in Full)
kabocha, hazelnut, smoked maple
—"Oh, this will be like the 'foie gras, biscuit, maple sausage gravy' dish at (Animal) in Los Angeles, but with a pancake instead of a biscuit," I thought.

I thought wrong.

Nothing compares 2 U, "foie gras, biscuit, maple sausage gravy" dish at (Animal) in Los Angeles.

Mapo Tofu Frito Pie (Paid in Full)
minced pork, aged cheddar, scallion

Phat Rice Noodles (Paid in Full)
lamb chorizo, broccoli rabe, garlic la-yu oil
—This has wisely since been replaced by Cumin Lamb Noodles.

Sweet Anko and Camembert Toast (Paid in Full)
cap'n crunch breading, kuromitsu syrup

^ Red bean paste and cheese?

An oddly unsweet dessert. It wasn't savoury, but it wasn't sweet either, no matter how much black honey I squeezed on.

Thug Passion (Paid in Full)
sparkling hawaiian punch, black pepper passion syrup
—A drink that exists.

Salmon Skin Tacos (The Black Sheep)
salmon belly tartare, tabiko, smoked shishito peppers, micro cilantro

^ Fried salmon skin as hard shells.

Fried Beef Crisps (The Black Sheep)
thai chili tajin dust, chili lime sauce

^ Fried beef tendon puffs, to be exact.

Fried Chicken Fried Rice (Starboard Tack)
with sunny side up egg

West Indies Fried Chicken Sandwich (Starboard Tack)
walkerwood jerk aioli, pineapple pickles

Mongolian Cheesesteak (Starboard Tack)
mongolian marinated tri-tip, grilled onions, american cheese, baguette
—This tasted off to me. Hugo liked it, though.

Szechuan Chimichurri Beef Skewer (Starboard Tack)
Tom Kha Mushroom Skewer (Starboard Tack)

Sakura (Sweets Raku)
cheese soufflé with strawberries, injected with cherry blossom cream; served with moscato sorbet
—I begrudgingly ordered this because the dessert I came for had been retired:

Pearl (Sweets Raku)
rich chocolate mousse paired with caramel, banana, and pineapple; topped with a white chocolate shell with a passion-fruit-sauce-filled candy pearl

Mung Bean Soup (MIAN)
natural mung beans, water, lightly sweetened with sugar

Complimentary mung bean soup?

Oh! It's Lu Dou Tang – a childhood favourite of mine!

Mung beans are green beans. The more you know.

Palace Pan Roast (Oyster Bar)
shrimp, crab, chicken, and andouille sausage

^ I didn't want to queue for an hour or two to try this, so I tried it for breakfast at 06:30 on a Friday.

It's fine.


Choco Kebab (Choco Kebab)

Gnocchi Mexicano (Salud)
house-made gnocchi, guajillo mushroom cream sauce, queso fresco

Rollos Empanizados (Culichi Town)
Deep-fried sushi rolls.

Hot Cheetos Ceviche (Culichi Town)

Cubana Mexicana Torta (Playa Papagayos)
pork leg, egg, ham, wiener, breaded steak, mexican sausage, cheese

Uni Melt (Sparrow + Wolf)
burrata, blood orange kosho

Longganisa Empanadas (Starboard Tack)
filipino-style longganisa, green olive, egg, roasted red pepper, chili vinegar crema

Seat-Thai Dog (Starboard Tack)
¼lb hot dog, thai chili cream cheese, fried shallot, grilled onion, cilantro

Triple Garlic Yakisoba (Paid in Full)
pork belly, mushrooms, cabbage, negi
—Served in a Chinese take-out container.

Jardin Signature "Fleur" (Jardin)
layered dark chocolate mousse, raspberry jam, moist chocolate cake in edible chocolate flower pot


This is extremely dangerous to our democracy

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Why doesn't a reality show about THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS' SUMMER CAMP exist?

Oh, NOFX has a camp too!

Late night campfire stories with Keith Morris?

Fletcher from Pennywise should recount his visits to Loveline when he vomited on Dr. Drew and threatened to defecate into his hand and make Adam Carolla eat it.


Barman Poetry
(my follow-up to The Agony of Defeat)

The Agony of Defeat lasted eight years. We'll see how long I can sustain this side project.