B: Hey, can you drive my dad to the airport?
Jon: You know, just because I don't have set work hours doesn't mean I can be your personal Uber.
INT. LEXUS – AFTERNOON
Jon: So where are you staying?
Uncle: The Palazzo. You want to come with? My room has two beds.
Devil Jon: You've been to Vegas before without anything but the clothes on your back…
Angel Jon: But you need to save money to travel to Canada to see the third Trailer Park Boys movie on opening weekend!
Devil Jon: Orrrr you can pay for that trip by playing craps.
Devil Angel Jon: He has a point…
Debut Criminal Defense Commercial from Pittsburgh's Criminal Defense Rookie of the Year
I was compelled to make this:
Jason Statham Union Jack
I know, I know, but I can't stop laughing.
Mum: Hey, what does your schedule look like in June? You think you'll have time to fly to Taiwan?
Jan: Um… Aren't I already flying to Taiwan in May for Wayne's wedding?
Mum: A second trip to Taiwan. Because B has a job now, your uncle wants you to escort his grandkids to Taiwan for the summer. He'll cover your travel.
Jan: Me with an eight-year-old and a seven-year-old on a 13-hour flight. Will B allow it? I don't think she trusts me with her kids, never mind that I pick them up from school, like, every other day.
Jan: Okay, I'll do it if he'll also cover a detour to Japan on the way back. No, Australia. No, it'll be winter then. Borneo? I can't decide.
Joe: I need you to be in New York City during the last week of March.
[checks calendar] Hmmph. Sweet sixteen and elite eight. But The Raid 2 in limited release!
Trailer Park Boys 3: Don't Legalize It – Greenband Trailer
April 18? [checks flights to Vancouver] $376.
[checks flights to Seattle] $158. But Toby doesn't have a car. Maybe I can convince Chris to drive.
In France, Germany, and Italy – not insignificant film countries – the Oscars were telecast from 2:30am to 6:00am on a Monday. If you live in France, Germany, or Italy and are interested in the Oscars, do you just power through the rest of Oscar Monday every year?
In Vietnam and Thailand, the Oscars were telecast from 8:30am to noon. If you live in Vietnam or Thailand and are interested in the Oscars, do you skip work or school on Oscar Monday every year?
Not pictured: Liza Minnelli
Pepe: Lena Dunham likes the trailer for our film.
Jon: Uhh… Okay…
Jon: Wait, you cold-mailed her?!
Jon: Hi, Lena. You don't know me, and I loathe your show, but what is your gut reaction to this trailer for my documentary film?
Jon: "Speaking of promotion, please let me know how I can help." Oh lord…
Hide your kids, hide your wife. I have Lena Dunham's Gmail address.
9. Ear goes in throat (Hannibal, S02E01)
Chocolate, cheese – what will they find next? A mollusk? A white pepper? (The Walking Dead, S04E11)
"A man's game charges a man's price." (True Detective, S01E06)
RT: "You can, in fact, cry like a bitch while wearing a Pantera shirt." (True Detective, S01E06)
"If you get the opportunity, you should kill yourself." (True Detective, S01E06)
Anachronistic Father John Misty song (True Detective, S01E06)
"You wearing cologne?"
"No, it's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit."
"You use another dude's soap?"
"It's got pubes on it."
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?"
"My soap doesn't have pubes on it."
"Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes."
"You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?"
"Just give me a gun."
"You own a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?" (Shameless, S04E07)
Mickey is a fan of Spoon (Shameless, S04E07)
Coked-out stripper Ian is too much (Shameless, S04E07)
"Are you retarded now? I hope you're sleeping and not in a retarded haze." (Shameless, S04E07)
"This is how much money I make a week?"
"This is a lot more than my rent!" (Girls, S03E08)
Music: Miguel – "Simplethings" (Girls, S03E08)
"C'mon, we're talking about Texas. Somebody somewhere wants enough cocaine to forget they live there."
"Yeah, but not 100 pounds."
"Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide."
"Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to." (Archer, S05E05)
"Nobody really knows." (Archer, S05E05)
"Good night, Blade. Good night, Whistler. Good night, Deacon Frost. Good night, rest of the amazing cast of Blade." (Chozen, S01E05)
"First, you might want to toss the salad. Then, you could eat my asshole as we both watch The Mentalist." (Chozen, S01E05)
"Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker." (New Girl, S03E17)
"It sounds like Joy Behar falling down some stairs." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
"Oh no… 'Santiago' in B flat. You're disappointed." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
"Is there a reason you're interrupting me mid-soup?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S01E18)
"Is there any way to put a reply on TC's blog?"
"God, no. Technology to reply to a post is decades away." (Justified, S05E07)
RT: "That's a really shitty blog, one-legged blogger. Like, GeoCities bad" (Justified, S05E07)
The blogger is captured hiding out in his grandma's basement (Justified, S05E07)
"I don't know what it is with this guy, but not matter what I do, I just can't win with him."
"That's the way I am with his son – and Time Warner Cable." (Modern Family, S05E15)
"I want to be a fuck machine. Like, I'd like to be a Sybian. I dream of that." (Workaholics, S04E06)
"Jettas equal hot chicks. Watch The League, you fuckin' Andre." (Workaholics, S04E06)
"He's a brociopath." (Workaholics, S04E06)
RT: "Looks like Paige learned a certain number of things about her parents" (The Americans, S02E01)
(The Americans, S02E01)
"And now, you're gonna go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting laid by accident, only it's not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff, because this time, someone's watching – me, your friend, British Jason Biggs." (Community, S05E07)
"Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing." (Parks and Recreation, S06E14)
"Dear Canada, fuck you." (Parks and Recreation, S06E14)
"You put me through two years of hell. Do you know how much Adele I had to listen to? What could you possibly have to say for yourself?"
"…I was in Afghanistan?"
"You can't Afghanistan a relationship."
"You'd be surprised what you can Afghanistan." (Enlisted, S01E06)
"It's pretty cool you can use these [tampons] for bloody noses. And if I understand the ads correctly, I can swim with it too?" (Enlisted, S01E06)
Talent to watch: Mort Burke (Enlisted, S01E06)
RT: "Editing style on 'Banshee' this season is like they heard Soderbergh was doing Cinemax show, watched 'The Limey' and said, 'We can do that!'" (Banshee, S02E08)
"I can't quite place the fish."
"He was a flounder." (Hannibal, S02E01)
House of 'Tards
Kevin Spacey's throwing motion (House of Cards, S02E06)
Green screen Camden Yards (House of Cards, S02E06)
Lex Luthor vs. Raymond Tusk (House of Cards, S02E07)
Frank watching porn with headphones on. Vice presidents – they're just like us! (House of Cards, S02E10)
Doug: "Will you read to me?" (House of Cards, S02E10)
OMG WTF ménage à trois (House of Cards, S02E11)
"Floyd Mayweather visited the White House this morning." (House of Cards, S02E12)
"You can't dodge and duck like Floyd." (House of Cards, S02E12)
Hacker McPoyle's taste in music (House of Cards, S02E12)
Did Morley Safer have a stroke? (House of Cards, S02E13)
Feng chillin' (House of Cards, S02E13)
Frank Underwood = Triple H (House of Cards, S02E13)
So in season three, Frank is Charles Logan? (House of Cards, S02E13)
House of Cards Season Grade: B
INT. HOTEL ROOM – AFTERNOON
"What is the point of this cylindrical pillow?"
"It's called a bolster, and it's for decoration."
"So it exists solely to be placed on a bed before I throw it on the floor to use the bed? What a waste of pillow. You could turn these square bed pillows rectangular with the stuffing in this bolster."
Idea: A bed of Pocky. Like a bed of nails, but with Pocky.
Idea: A Japanese snack spa. Hot mochi massage on a bed of Pocky. Yan Yan bath. Exfoliation by scrubbing with Shrimp Flavored Chips.
Idea: Samoasas – samosas with a Samoa cookie filling. Serve with a Thin Mint chutney.
Previously on @adamriffs:
"it seems so ridiculous" says Benny Hsu, the maker of All Candy Casino Slots – Jewel Craze Connect: Big Blast Mania Land
Ever since Flappy Bird was yanked from app stores by its creator, clones have multiplied.
This week, a Miley Cyrus meets Flappy Bird parody — Flying Cyrus- Wrecking Ball — is No. 1 on the iTunes free app chart.
A parody of the parody — Flappy Miley Wrecking Ball Pro — is No. 9.
Your move, Benny Hsu.
Meanwhile, Splashy Fish is still a strong No. 2, giving app fans their closest replica of the Flappy Bird experience.
"It's a lot more fun," says Splashy Fish fan Austin Ervin of Los Angeles. "There are a lot more colors." [source]
"My favourite musical artist is Bonobo," adds Ervin.
I have only one game on my mobile – Fairway Solitaire. I read about it years ago on Penny Arcade and downloaded the app last year to kill time during train rides. I know I've set at least 10 all-time records.
Did you know that the actor who played Sean Cameron on Degrassi: The Next Generation is now a reporter for Fusion, ABC and Univision's joint news channel venture?
The biggest knock against me professionally is that I am not proactive enough. It's a criticism that has followed me to every job I've had.
Being proactive goes against who I am existentially, though. I am not, by nature, someone who will expend energy on stuff that may not be necessary. I'll do what you ask of me, I'll do it fast, I'll do it well, but I won't do any more unless I have to. My modus operandi is efficiency.
Also, passion facilitates proactivity, and, well, I love nothing. In high school, I was voted "most likely to host an informercial," yet I can't for the life of me sell interest in a job. I'm fortunate that my current employer accepts that I work to live.
My mum's birthday is Friday.
I need, like, a Lamaze class for the deaths of my parents.
Once upon a time, Daft Punk, LCD Soundsystem, and Calvin Harris played a show together.
Is there a worse phrase in the English language than "she wants the D"?
Tony Kornheiser noted that in sports, the word "defense" is a trochee, while outside of sports, the word "defense" is an iamb.
Jon: Public sculpture game. Name the city. For example: Bear, dustpan, devil horse = Denver.
Jon: Top hat. Macaroni noodle. Love.
Tony: Oh. Philadelphia.
Jon: Bow and arrow. Skull in bunny's mouth.
Tony: San Francisco?
Jon: Correct. My final clue was Yoda, heh.
Jon: For Seattle? Uhh… Boots, popsicle, troll. Troll or Jimi Hendrix.
Denver's public transportation has the nicest seats of any public transportation system I've ever used. Plumply cushioned seats on municipal buses? Inconceivable.
Jon: The first screening is at Boulder High School.
Pepe: Is that where the shooting happened?
Jon: How do you not know Columbine? Shit, you won a Pulitzer Prize for covering a school shooting!
Our film also screened in Boulder at eTown Hall, a repurposed church – one of several repurposed buildings that I visited in Colorado. The restaurant Linger is a repurposed mortuary; the restaurant Root Down is a repurposed gas station/garage; three colleges share a student union that is a repurposed brewery; and The Source, a public market, is a repurposed steel foundry. They all retain historic charms niftily and harmoniously, unlike, say, Limelight Shops in New York City.
Why do all frozen yogurt shops use a green/magenta colour scheme?