Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

43. Gay Test (Big Mouth, S01E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Salman Rushdie (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • Jimmy's awkward hook-up with Adrienne (You're the Worst, S04E08)
  • Penises playing basketball (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • ♫: "Everybody Bleeds" (Big Mouth, S01E02)

Stray Observations

  • "I've got a monkey holding a banana like a phone."
    "Who's he calling? [laughs] Oh, it's fun to imagine, right? Michael Jackson." (Bob's Burgers, S08E02)
  • "I had a very productive day yesterday."
    "It's true. It was like Cocoon." (Bob's Burgers, S08E02)
  • "Florida is for people who don't know about Hawaii." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "Mitch Bachelor." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "I don't like when my clothes billow." (Ghosted, S01E03)
  • "Oh, you guys feeling like rock-and-rollers? Yeah, Coldplay in the house!" (Ghosted, S01E03)

(Ghosted, S01E03)

  • A-Rod playing Flip Cup with the Gronks (Shark Tank, S09E04)
  • ♫: James Carr – "These Ain't Raindrops" (The Deuce, S01E06)
  • "What is your problem? We had something. I felt it. I felt it on the bow, I felt it on the stern, then a few more times on the bow, then the stern again. Then you flipped me over onto my starboard side. I even tried aft for the first time." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E03)
  • "Take your unsucked candy and get back to your desk." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Oh, you can't 'yoo-hoo' a judge?"
    "You most certainly cannot 'yoo-hoo' a judge." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "For we are not donkeys. Or in Brooklyn, we would say 'dunkeys,' for some reason." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Fuck you, Elvid!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E03)
  • "Were you just spying on us? Drinking my RC Cola!" (Vice Principals, S02E05)

(Vice Principals, S02E05)

  • "Let's go out back by the dumpsters. I have a huge hole in my panties." (Vice Principals, S02E05)
  • "Don't do it inside my Silverado." (Vice Principals, S02E05)

(WWE Raw, 10-16-17)

  • "He's sensitive. Classic Leno fan." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • "You can send back baby corn. You can't send back baby." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • Ray Wise doing karaoke (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E03)
  • "Sorry I'm late, guys."
    "What's your excuse today? Uh, another OJ verdict?" (Black-ish, S04E03)
  • "Guess how old fine Angela Bassett is?"
    "Wow! She's 59!"
    "What?! Tina Turner is 77!"
    "Whoa. Crispus Attucks is 294." (Black-ish, S04E03)
  • "This is bad. This is worse than white people with dreadlocks." (The Mayor, S01E03)
  • "We got this tradition where you gotta choose each other's Halloween costume, and whatever gets chosen, you gotta go with it."
    "You gotta commit."
    "Oh, okay, do me."
    "Fernando Valenzuela."
    "Who the hell is that?"
    "Who the hell are you? He's only, like, one of the best pitchers of all time."
    "I've never heard of him."
    "People will love it, trust me. My turn."
    "Randy Johnson."
    "You guys making these names up?"
    "Don't do pitcher just 'cause I did pitcher."
    "No, I'm not. You inspired me. You know, I mean, you got these…floppy limbs and this, like, emaciated face. [pause] No, like, in a good way. [pause] I find Randy Johnson very attractive."
    "All right, whatever. Alba, do Jimmy."
    "Okay, uhh… Garbage."
    "Garbage what? Like the garbage man to drive a truck?"
    "No. No man, no truck. Just…garbage." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "Dude, I'm just trying to get a drink."
    "All right, well, sit tight, guy. My homegirl's filling up her pumpkin." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "Who the hell are you?"
    "I'm Randy Johnson." (The Mick, S02E04)
  • "None of you stand a chance against me. No courage, no patience, no brains, and, of course, a bald old man."
    "I'm younger than you."
    "No comeback for the bald thing, I see." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Hook, line, and sphincter."
    "It's 'sinker.'"
    "No, it's 'sphincter.' That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Wait a minute. This isn't the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you're not Cheddar. You're just some common bitch." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • "Terry also loved the show."
    "No, no, I love Elisabeth Moss. Terry thought the show was too bleak." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E04)
  • Evan Peters as Andy Warhol (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "Holy shit. I just got a retweet from Eric Trump." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "Silly girls are all stupid and doomed. History may change, but herstory always repeats itself." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "SCUM stands for the Society for Cutting Up Men." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "We were the Zodiac." (American Horror Story, S07E07)
  • "What did you even say to them anyway?"
    "That you're an enormous pain in the ass and that they shouldn't let you in."
    "Excuse me! I am a joy in the ass!" (Speechless, S02E04)
  • ♫: Characters singing "Milkshake" (Riverdale, S02E02)
  • ♫: Characters singing "Milkshake" (South Park, S21E05)
  • "Cankle Action" (You're the Worst, S04E08)
  • "Sign up for Trunk Club. Pop a few Zoloft. Join in on the live-action cartoon of 2D emotions that everyone else is in." (Mr. Robot, S03E02)
  • ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (Mr. Robot, S03E02)
  • "Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain…echelon. I used what I called the 'Duke Rule,' because Duke is both minimum acceptable university and rank of nobility." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • Shrimp dispenser (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "Nobody try Mystery Flavor. It's white chocolate, and it is nasty." (The Good Place, S02E06)
  • "It was unfortunate that Sal's mom was still alive, because the suit was perfect." (Nathan For You, S04E04)
  • "If there's stuff from her body that she doesn't use…" (Nathan For You, S04E04)
  • Mindhunter Season Grade: C
  • "Now let's watch McConaughey bang two meth heads at a rodeo, and try not to think about AIDS. [breathes heavily] Andrew…"
    "I'm thinking about AIDS." (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • "Jai ho!" (Big Mouth, S01E01)
  • "Oh, look, the lost and found became a person." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow. Exciting news for rich sociopaths with a loose concept of consent." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Ghost cock is like vegan bacon – it just isn't as good as the real thing." (Big Mouth, S01E03)
  • "Everything in the gay community is a thing." (Big Mouth, S01E03)

(Big Mouth, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

Colossal Brown

For several long and expensive years, Price has also had comedy and drama chief Joe Lewis and his team at work developing a series called Shanghai Snow, based on his own idea.

The project is not listed on IMDb, which is owned by Amazon, though several writers with credits say they have worked on it and Price's friend, the filmmaker McG, was attached to direct.

Aspiring script writer Yale Hannon produced one outline with scribes Evan Spiliotopoulos and Raven Metzner also having written versions.

In the draft written by Hannon, Shanghai Snow follows a young woman named Cindy who is sold into sex slavery. Under the control of a "psychotic imperial Thai dwarf" named Mr. Goodtimes, Cindy is drugged, beaten with a machete and told she will be "fucked like a dead fish."


The Lost star will play a troubled police officer and dog handler in the eight-part drama, in which ex-lovers who survive a terrifying shark attack are thrown together by fate to hunt down murderers.

Monaghan's character grew up in an abusive family, was chained to a dog and bitten as a child, and as a result has developed a serious psychosexual perversion that will play out across the series.

Guantanamo Baywatch

// Seattle, WA

I go to Seattle for 10 days and get invited to two weddings.

It was odd to see doors to flats at street level in a downtown area.

Cell on a school.

Has anyone ever staged a rooftop wrestling event?

I was surprised at how many restaurants in Seattle are rated "good." Essential restaurants, hot restaurants, the breakfast buffet in my hotel: just "good." Seattle/King County's health inspectors think they're me.

You don't see as many "B" ratings in Los Angeles.

The Tummy Temple is the largest provider of colon hydrotherapy in the United States, with two dedicated colonic rooms open seven days a week. [source]

Pedestrian crossings in Seattle are wonky.

According to someone (I don't remember), a "cross" signal doesn't appear unless you pushed a call button, so if you didn't push a call button and don't pay attention to traffic lights, you can miss your turn to cross.

One day, I just missed a "cross" signal, but traffic lights in the same direction didn't turn red, so I crossed (and could cross) for minutes after "cross" became "don't cross."

One night, a "cross" signal didn't appear when it should have, and in the middle of crossing on a "don't cross," traffic lights perpendicular to me turned green.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. Unauthorized Chinese Restaurant Wedding (Nathan For You, S04E03)

Honourable Mention

  • Rodney and Candy (The Deuce, S01E05)
  • Monologue (Mr. Robot, S03E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Ain't nobody wanna fuck a girl named Bernice." (The Deuce, S01E05)
  • "Don't you dare eat his butt!"
    "I will eat his butt! Put the gun down!" (The Last Man on Earth, S04E02)
  • "This is a hooker smock is what you got on." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "Good luck with the fatwa." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "Ru-dy Giu-li-a-niiiiii!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "I'm not even gonna bring up the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. It's called 'ejaculation.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "He can't masturbate. He can't make it come out."
    "He can't go left?"
    "No, he can't go to his left. Can you go to your left?"
    "Eh, nobody can." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "My name is Chappie Johnson and I can't open this damn pickle jar!" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • "I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E02)
  • ♫: Perfume Genius – "Queen" (Vice Principals, S02E04)
  • "Excuse me. May I come in for a glass of water?"
    "No. Your dehumidifier is full. Drink that." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E02)
  • "How are the thank you notes going?"
    "Good! Here: 'Babies hate pewter spoons. Kill yourself.'" (Black-ish, S04E02)
  • "She's gonna be okay."
    "Are you sure? She put sunscreen and a steak knife in Diane's lunchbox today."
    "Turns out I needed both at recess!" (Black-ish, S04E02)
  • "Follow the flan." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E03)
  • "All he took was a shipment of $1000 Weezys designed by Little Wayne."
    "Oh, it's Lil."
    "Oh, like Lillian. Lillian Wayne, okay…" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E03)
  • "Jake, can you please spiral a little quieter? Nicolaj is still asleep, and if he hears two men arguing in the next room, he might think he's getting sold again." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E03)
  • "People like Mr. Anderson and Trump are not the garbage. They are the flies that the garbage has drawn." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "A young man's certainty is also his burden. I'm gonna relieve you of both." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "Knowing stuff has no value anymore, not when the answer is in my back pocket or sitting on my desk. The youth has it figured out. The future will be filled with beautiful idiots who just want to feel." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "No one's gonna believe any of that!"
    "Mm. Of course they will. It's on Facebook." (American Horror Story, S07E06)
  • "Those kids… I mean, yeah, they were puking their guts out or eating cat food for BJs, but they were just hanging out together and that was enough." (You're the Worst, S04E07)
  • Mute button for life (Mr. Robot, S03E01)
  • "A millennial is someone who's only been torturing people for 1000 years." (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "It's Chinese for 'Japan.'" (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "Focus on something great, like the Sharper Image catalog. What can't those guys ionize?" (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "Mi torture es su torture." (The Good Place, S02E05)
  • "So you won't be around? But you're my mentor… Could you appear in the clouds when I have a moral conundrum?"
    "I do have Mufasa technology, but it's very expensive." (Great News, S02E03)
  • "You know, from Law and Order. In England, it's called Barristers and Decorum." (Great News, S02E03)
  • Pervert's high five (Great News, S02E03)
  • ♫: Yellow Ostrich – "Fog" (Better Things, S02E05)
  • ♫: "Mambo No. 5" (Nathan For You, S04E03)
  • Louisiana accent (Nathan For You, S04E03)
  • "I was reminded of the vows we had taken at that Chinese restaurant." (Nathan For You, S04E03)
  • "Can I take you to see Natural Born Killers?" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E09)
  • "What the hell is Yahoo?" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E09)
  • ♫: Beck – "Beercan" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E10)
  • "Oh, she's doing these college-level C++ classes. It's one night a week at Foothill." (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E10)
  • ♫: Peter Gabriel – "Solsbury Hill" (Halt and Catch Fire, S04E10)
  • Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C
  • "This new girl, she take it up the ass?"
    "We haven't really discussed it."
    "Ask her. An asshole will suck your cock right in – literally. It's like a hole that sucks. [makes slurping sound] It's easy. But when you fuck somebody in the neck, it's entirely the opposite. It's nothing but resistance. It's really difficult. You feel this? Feel it. It's all muscle. Cartilaginous." (Mindhunter, S02E02)
  • "To your fellatio skills." (Mindhunter, S02E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You

Jack Lives Here

// Seattle, WA

Chris: I've lived below both frat boys and sorority girls. I preferred living below the frat boys.
Jon: Oh?
Mike: Because of the shoes the sorority girls wore for parties.

Chris: Did you like Wonder Woman?
Jon: It was okay.
Chris: I didn't like it. Well, I didn't like what I've seen. I haven't finished it yet. While watching it last night, I felt the urge to watch another film and switched.
Jon: Which other film?
Chris: MacGruber.


If there's a hell below, we're all going to go

// Mount Vernon, WA

Elizabeth and I are driving up to Vancouver, BC to see a film.

Jon: Hey, how's your brother?
Elizabeth: Uhh… Did something happen to him?
Jon: Uhh… I just know that you have a brother.
Elizabeth: Oh. He's become somewhat of a celebrity. I thought you might have seen something that I didn't.
Jon: A celebrity, eh?
Elizabeth: Google Arthur's name.

I google Arthur's name.

Jon: "Meet the Trump backer leading the resistance to the resistance in California."


Lazy Sunday

// Seattle, WA

Tony and I are walking up Broadway in Capitol Hill. We pass two dudes who are walking their bikes.

Tony: Whoops. Excuse me.

Behind me, I hear someone spit, followed by "I didn't mean to do that. I was spitting on the ground and— I spat toward the ground and…"

Tony and I enter a QFC.

Jon: Did that bicyclist just spit at you?
Tony: Yup, on the back of my neck. Not a loogie, but spittle.

Tony: Before he did, I heard him mutter "Fuckin' bitch. I oughta spit on you."

Tony: Can you check my back for spit?

Jon: All clear.

Tony and I are making garlic chips.

Jon: The recipe says "use chopsticks to make sure they don't stick together in the hot oil."

Tony searches for chopsticks.

Tony: I only have one wooden chopstick. The rest are all plastic.
Jon: Why do you only have one wooden chopstick?
Tony: I use the other one to make coffee.

Tony directs my eyes toward a window sill, where I notice the other wooden chopstick.

Tony: I'm googling "what to do if someone spits on you."

Tony: First comment on a post: "Well, if you are a police officer, you shoot the bastard. He might have AIDS, and your life is in danger."

I google "what to do if someone spits on you."

Jon: "A palm-heel at a 45 degree angle into the nose is a nice response to spit in the face."
Jon: Reply to that comment: "A palm heel strike to the nose can shear off the cartilage in the nose and send that 'bone' fragment into the brain. Instantly killing the person. Not the proper response for being spat upon."

Tony: "I had a little kid spit on my face once (8 years old or something) and I know they don't really understand how disrespectful that shit is, but I pushed him to the ground and made him cry lol (no child abuser)."