I'll break your neck so you can watch your back

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored American Gods' opening credits with Imagine Dragons' "Believer":

I really wanted to use "Humble," but it did not cooperate fully.

Next: Game of Thrones × ???

Miserable America

Mountain Dew = neutral

Baja Blast = lawful good

Code Red = chaotic…neutral?

I'm not familiar enough with Mountain Dews to do a Mountain Dew alignment.

I can do a Coke one, though!

Lawful Good
Cherry Coke
Neutral Good
Coke Zero
Chaotic Good
Mexican Coke
Lawful Neutral
Caffeine-Free Coca-Cola
Chaotic Neutral
Coca-Cola Life
Lawful Evil
Vanilla Coke
Neutral Evil
Diet Coke
Chaotic Evil
New Coke

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. David Bowie followed me on Twitter / Stones do Shakespeare (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03/04)

Honourable Mention

  • Little person ice pick hitman (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • Mark's football analogies (Masterchef, S08E03)
  • Ice cream on the toilet (Fargo, S03E09)

Stray Observations

  • "My first studio apartment was a cozy uterus." (Bob's Burgers, S07E22)
  • Diane! (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • RT: The ice pick hit man in this week's Twin Peaks was staying at the same motel Gloria Burgle was at earlier this season of Fargo (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "Tarifa" (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • "I was a king once."
    "I was. Then they made me a bird. Then Mother Church came along and turned us all into saints, and trolls, and faeries. General Mills did the rest." (American Gods, S01E07)
  • "Oh, I didn't know you had a brother."
    "Bruce was his stillborn twin."
    "He had a huge heart."
    "Missing all its valves, though." (Veep, S06E08)
  • "9-11, bitches! We're gonna fly two planes into the club!" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "Dan, you've heard the old saying, 'You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square'?" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "He said he talked to Quartie, who said he took to you like a hog to persimmons."
    "Is that a good thing?"
    "Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs." (Veep, S06E08)
  • The Handmaid's Tale Season Grade: C+
  • "The problem is not that there is evil in the world; the problem is that there is good. Because otherwise, who would care?" (Fargo, S03E09)
  • "When she said he makes chorizo like his grandmother, is that what she looked like?"
    "No, Rob. It means the way his grandmother used to make it."
    "Fine, well, I think she should be more clear, because I'm picturing a grizzled old woman with the external appearance of chorizo." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E02)
  • "I was a grown man before I felt a firm sprout in my mouth." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03)
  • "Eddie Redmayne, the name, is the sort of name that an upper middle class girl would give to her pony. 'Father [it's a chestnut mare], may I ride Eddie Redmayne this weekend?' 'You may, darling. Would you like me to get Mr. Hiddleston out of the stable too?" (The Trip [to Spain], S03E04)
  • The Trip [to Spain] Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show


I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside

Having not seen their list, I offer my own:

Steven: I want The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance over Oldboy.
Jon: Yeeah… About that…

25. The Tribe (2014)
director: Myroslav Slaboshpytskyi

24. The Machinist (2004)
director: Brad Anderson

23. Quills (2000)
director: Philip Kaufman

22. Shattered Glass (2003)
director: Billy Ray

21. Moebius (2013)
director: Kim Ki-duk

20. Tangerine (2015)
director: Sean Baker

19. Sunshine (2007)
director: Danny Boyle

18. The Dark Knight (2008)
director: Christopher Nolan

17. The Imposter (2012)
director: Bart Layton

16. Four Lions (2010)
director: Chris Morris

15. Primer (2004)
director: Shane Carruth

14. The Believer (2001)
director: Henry Bean

13. Moonlight (2016)
director: Barry Jenkins

12. Michael (2011)
directors: Markus Schleinzer and Kathrin Resetarits

11. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
director: Larry Charles

10. Castaway on the Moon (2009)
director: Lee Hae-jun

9. [The] School of Rock (2003)
director: Richard Linklater

8. The Descent (2005)
director: Neil Marshall

7. Tim's Vermeer (2013)
director: Teller [of Penn and Teller]

6. Whiplash (2014)
director: Damien Chazelle

5. Dogtooth (2009)
director: Yorgos Lanthimos

4. Hunger (2008)
director: Steve McQueen

3. This Is England (2006)
director: Shane Meadows

2. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
director: Wes Anderson

1. Oldboy (2003)
director: Park Chan-wook



Rory: What do Sean Connery, Ben Kingsley, and Patrick Stewart have in common?
Jon: They've all been knighted.
Rory: Yes, and…
Jon: And…? Are we improvising? I…
Rory: They've all voiced Draco in an Dragonheart film!
Jon: Ah-so…
Rory: Did you know that four Dragonheart films exist? The original, a direct-to-video sequel, and two direct-to-video prequels.
Rory: The Dragonheart franchise has spanned three decades.

Jon: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragonheart#Legacy
Jon: "Dragonheart is now considered a cult classic."
Jon: It is?
Jon: "On various days throughout the year in Toronto, a fully restored '20th anniversary edition' of Dragonheart with never-before-seen footage, enhanced visual effects, and a digitally remastered soundtrack is screened at the AMC Yonge & Dundas 24 theatre."
Jon: WHAT?!

Rory: Dragonheart 5: Michael Caine.
Rory: Draco: She was only 16 years old!
Jon: That reminds me… I need to watch The Trip to Spain.

Don't drown in the brown, just drown in the sound

Jackie Chan Action Movie Week is set to return with a selection of 20 cutting-edge contemporary action flicks from around the world in a program overseen by Chan himself. [source]

Did you know that Jackie Chan annually curates a week of action movies?

I'm surprised that enough cutting-edge contemporary action flicks exist for him to curate 20 or so annually.

The 2015 Jackie Chan Action Movie Week line-up was solid.

The 2016 one…not so much.

The Raid 2 lost "best fight" to sodding Wolf Warrior?!


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

24. Pine Barrens (Fargo, S03E08)

Honourable Mention

  • Trippin' Becky (Twin Peaks, S03E05)
  • Ed Chambers (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • Bowling Alley (Fargo, S03E08)

Stray Observations

  • "People hold candles, Nora." (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • ♫: Otis Redding – "I've Got Dreams to Remember" (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • "It's great that your newlyweds believe that a bird with a range of 50 miles is gonna carry their stupid poetry to Timbuktu, but don't sell that bullshit to me."
    "I'm not trying to sell you anything. It's just a nicer story." (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • RT: the end credits rolled to the sound of pachelbel's canon and it didn't feel cheesy. this is skillful. (The Leftovers, S03E08)
  • The Leftovers Season Grade: B+
  • "I've done the math. This times that equals you're a cunt, divided by the only way I'm gonna get what I need is if you give it to me, equals the only way you're gonna give it to me is if you don't need it. Like my friend Jesus Christ, the only thing you need, dead wife, is resurrection."
    "Did you just name-drop Jesus Christ like you know a guy who knows a guy?" (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "There's always been a god-shaped hole in man's head." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Religion inspires in those who fear nothing fear of the gods, and using that fear requires a certain element of fucked up." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Did you have a genie in your bottle?" (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Shame is the reason dead people only go out at night." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Your kind of love, dead wife, is the grandest butt-fuckin' of 'em all. You can love somebody even when you know they don't like it, even when you know they don't want it. That's some profound knowledge for you right there, wrapped up in a quaint sexual metaphor." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "Neutral, in the face of injustice, is on the side of the oppressor." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • "God is great."
    "Life is great." (American Gods, S01E06)
  • Mr. C's face warping into Bob's (Twin Peaks, S03E05)
  • Frank discovering green tea lattes (Twin Peaks, S03E05)

(Twin Peaks, S03E05)

  • "Limp Biscuit's an old frat ritual, where all the brothers race to stroke one out onto a biscuit, and then the last guy to nut has to eat it."
    "Right. Sometimes it's a Wheat Thin." (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • "May I borrow this hammer to pound in these flamboyant little nails?"
    "Those are screws." (Silicon Valley, S04E07)
  • When Kim shuts the door to her office, Francesca pulling out a travel magazine, only to quickly hide it again when Kim unexpectedly re-appears (Better Call Saul, S03E08)
  • "But ma, you used to be so active. You had all those hobbies."
    "Oh, I didn't like that stuff, I just wanted to get out the house to keep your father from beating me. Trust me, every woman in a pottery class is crying out for help." (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • "Grandma wants to go out on top. I mean, wouldn't you have rather seen Michael Jordan retire after hitting that three-pointer against the Jazz in '98 instead of seeing this dude way past his prime in a Wizards jersey? Don't make grandma play for the Wizards." (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • "When we meet Jesus, we're all one. Jesus doesn't see colour."
    "So what colour do you think Jesus is?"
    "Well, I don't really think he's white, but I don't really think he's black either."
    "So you're saying Jesus look like Drake?" (The Carmichael Show, S03E03)
  • Top Chef Canada Season Grade: C+

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show


Bro Safari

After a chance meeting with billionaire Bruce Wayne, Elmer Fudd's obsession quickly escalates into stalking Batman through the dark alleys and high-class social settings of Gotham City. Welcome to Bat Season! [source]

McKern: There are others.
McKern: Jonah Hex/Yosemite Sam, Lobo/Road Runner, Martian Manhunter/Marvin the Martian…


Jon: Instead of a monster universe, Universal should've pursued an Image cinematic universe.
McKern: The rights are too spread out. It'd be a licensing nightmare.
Jon: A worthwhile one in my opinion, and you only need a few rights.
Jon: Spawn, Savage Dragon, Youngblood…
Jon: Turok.

Jon: Why did I think Turok was an Image character?
Jon: Universal should acquire film rights to Turok anyway and work him into its Jurassic franchise.

Jon: WWE and Universal are partners.
Jon: A WWE cinematic universe – films inspired by WWE superstars.
Jon: The Undertaker, Ultimate Warrior, Finn Bálor…
Steven: I would love to see La Parka or Doink.
Jon: Heh. Gimmicks of the Galaxy.

Jon: Superman/Million Dollar Man, Batman/Broken Matt Hardy, Wonder Woman/Mankind…

The Coke can in the shower

Another highlight of this year's festival are three films that celebrate Japan's unique "Roman Porno" genre, each having their North American premieres: Aroused by Gymnopedies, Dawn of the Felines, and Wet Woman in the Wind.

Nikkatsu, Japan's oldest film studio, is celebrating 45 years since they birthed the softcore Roman Porno genre (roman derives from the French word for novel). Invented to save a dying industry, they gave carte blanche to directors with minimal rules: keep it under 80 minutes with a sex scene every ten. This allowed for wild stream of consciousness works of both the highest and lowest caliber.

Now, Nikkatsu has enlisted top contemporary talent for the Roman Porno Reboot Project, taking the provocative, envelope-pushing format to a whole new level.

Hashtag Project Greenlight season five.