Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

22. Big Lair (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)


Honourable Mention

  • Dane Cook singing "The Weight" while being fellated (American Gods, S01E04)
  • Audrey and Laura in the bathroom (American Gods, S01E04)
  • Is Jessica Simpson okay? (Ellen, 05-22-17)
  • Joe makes love to a life-size cardboard cutout of his dead wife (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E01)

Stray Observations

  • "Say 'hello' to my 50/50 blend." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
  • "Teddy, unzip my pickle." (Bob's Burgers, S07E21)
  • Bob's Burgers Season Grade: C
  • "'T.A. Cobell.' His name was Taco Bell?" (Making History, S01E09)
  • Making History Season Grade: C-


(American Gods, S01E04)

  • Michael Bisping (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
  • Max Perlich (Twin Peaks, S03E01)
  • "Ohh, you're nice and wet." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • ♫: Chromatics playing the roadhouse – "Shadow" (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • "James is still cool. He's always been cool." (Twin Peaks, S03E02)
  • ♫: Apocalyptica – Metallica's "Wherever I May Roam" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
  • ♫: Gravediggaz – "1-800-Suicide" (The Leftovers, S03E06)
  • "Hey, what do you think of my tie? I designed it myself. I call it 'Yoloha.' It's a combination of 'YOLO' and 'aloha.'"
    "Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad, which is a combination of 'retarded' and 'sad.'" (Veep, S06E06)
  • Sudanese boy wearing a Jonah Ryan for U.S. Congress shirt (Veep, S06E06)
  • "Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list."
    "You want me to bump Sammy Hagar?"
    "Make them 1A and 1B." (Veep, S06E06)
  • "You look like the world's least fucked geisha." (Veep, S06E06)
  • "Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office?" (Veep, S06E06)
  • Gina's list of baby names (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • "Who's the father?"
    "I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity."
    "Wait, is he famous?"
    "Is it Batali?"
    "Charles, she can't say. Is it Batali?!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • "The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E21)
  • Ryan Phillippe (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "Pizza Rat, dead tonight at the age of four." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "It's like an Eagles concert down there – nothing but whites." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • "Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
    "But, but, but…"
    "One more 'but' and you will be in contempt."
    "One More Butt and You're in Contempt – name of your sex tape." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • Scott Aukerman (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E22)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
  • Robin Leach and Vicki Lawrence (Great News, S01E09)


(Great News, S01E09)

  • "You need to get back on the horse, like when you were going through your chunky phase and you broke that pony's back at the fair. Did I let you quit? No. I made you get back on another pony and they had to put two ponies down that day." (Great News, S01E10)
  • "Gram is mean A-F. That's a Twitter term, which I can only assume stands for 'mean as Frankenstein.' There is another term, D-T-F: 'Don't touch Frankenstein,' to which I usually just reply W-T-F: 'Won't touch Frankenstein.'" (Great News, S01E10)
  • Great News Season Grade: C-
  • "You have to wear it until he's gone." (The Americans, S05E12)
  • Oleg exteriors filmed on location in Moscow (The Americans, S05E12)
  • ♫: Cigarettes After Sex – "Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E07)
  • "Shouldn't we… I'm just saying… A more cautious approach. Why not?"
    "Because the shallow end of the pool is where the turds float." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • Varga googles beside a portrait of Stalin, quotes Lenin (Fargo, S03E06)
  • "There's been an accident."
    "Things of consequence rarely happen by accident." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • "Did anyone see you?"
    "I'm so rarely seen, maybe I don't even exist." (Fargo, S03E06)
  • Archer Season Grade: F
  • "When I reach for Scripture, I go for the Book of Job, Psalm 69." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E02)


"I changed Pepe the Frog into a rabbi." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

  • "We should change our name from the White Warlocks to the White Jewlocks." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "The Torah says we must take an eye for an eye."
    "You mean an oy for an oy." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "I say to hell with forgiveness! Let's kill Neon Joe and leave a nice long trail of goy blood, and then repent for the whole thing on Yom Kippur!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)
  • "Oi, oi, get that goy!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)


(Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E03)

  • "You show that moon there's more than one glowing cube with dangling nuts in this town." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "Yoo-hoo! Hey, moon! Look at me! Come and get me! I'm a sexy cube too!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I can't believe Turgalak dead. He's supposed to be all-knowing and invincible. First time I met him, he had a burrito waiting for me, knew exactly how I like it: Chorizo and rice, refried bean, sour cream on the side, little salsa verde, pico de gallo, chips and guac, watermelon agua fresca with just a little bit of ice… He even knew that I liked the flour tortilla rather than corn." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "The prophecy says if a werewolf eats the cube's nuts, he will gain its power and rule the world." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I don't care that you look like a man. You still got a 'giney, and I speak 'ginese." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E04)
  • "I'm lubed up and ready, moon!" (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • "I see somebody's been keeping you company while I was gone."
    "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got the paper cuts on my dick to prove it. Took a while for them to scab up on account of they don't really make Band-Aid for the penile region. Doing them, you know, the knuckle Band-Aid, that work good, but then I gotta, like, pull it down to pee, pull it back up. I went through a whole lotta Band-Aid." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • "Oh, babe… You know that I would've used all the dick Band-Aids in the world if I thought I could've saved you." (Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter, S02E05)
  • Neon Joe: Werewolf Hunter Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: American Gods
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

Blue Rose

I am chuffed to announce the first wave of programming for the 2017 Adam Riff™ Festival:

Brian Reitzell / The Music of American Gods and Hannibal
concert
featuring: siouxsie sioux, mark lanegan, debbie harry, shirley manson

Brimstone and Glory
screening

David Ives and Christopher Durang
in conversation

Everyday Struggle
live show
in attendance: joe budden, dj akademiks

Friends of the People Stand-up Comedy Showcase
featuring: kevin barnett, jermaine fowler, lil rel howery, the lucas brothers, josh rabinowitz

Inside Taco Bell's Insights (Innovation) Lab
panel

Jean-Claude Van Johnson
screening and panel
in attendance: jean-claude van damme

Nirvanna the Band the Show
screening and panel
in attendance: matt johnson, jay mccarrol

Public Radio Alliance / Tanis and Rabbits
live performances and panel
in attendance: terry miles, "carly parker"

Smino
concert

Teppanyaki Chef Showdown
live competition

A Tribute to Takeshi Kaneshiro
in attendance(!!!): takeshi kaneshiro

ARcade
featuring: cuphead, budget cuts, medieval madness

You ain't nothin' but a hoochie mama

Idea: Twin Mints – Thin Mints with Josie Packard's face printed on or protruding from them.

McKern: We ate at a sushi restaurant and he only ordered ikura and tamago nigiri.
Jon: So…egg sushi and egg sushi.
McKern: Heh, yes. The cheapest thing on the menu and the most expensive thing on the menu.

Evil Losers

Hugo: Re: podcast
Hugo: Sid says you sound like Jonah Ryan
Jon: Ah so…

Danielle: Logan met a guy at a party and the guy was like how do you know Jon Yu
Danielle: and said he read your blog in the '00s
Jon: Um…
Jon: How did I come up in conversation?

Forest: Saw this and thought of you

Jon: [pause]


I held your hair back when you were throwing up

I love films in which existing films are integral – Son of Rambow (First Blood); Tony Manero (Saturday Night Fever); Dogtooth (Jaws, Rocky IV, Flashdance); Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter (Fargo).

Film Idea: A group of friends run from Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeremy Piven, and Stephen Dorff after they witness Emilio murder the producer of Judgment Night, who bilked the cast out of their fair share of grosses.

Film Idea: Al Pacino and Robert De Niro's characters in Heat are cryogenically frozen, have their faces swapped while frozen, and are unfrozen in 2032 to find mainstream society changed and all crime seemingly eliminated.


Grad school, amirite?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. World's Best Dad! (Fargo, S03E05)


Honourable Mention

  • Gay Muslim salesman/genie sex scene (American Gods, S01E03)
  • Confrontation with the Granholms (The Americans, S05E11)
  • Rap Song (Saturday Night Live, S42E21)
  • Uber ride home (Master of None, S02E05)

Stray Observations

  • Scott Thompson (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "That woman thinks Jesus suffered for her sins. They're her sins. Why should Jesus do all the suffering?"
    "'Cause his dad sacrificed his ass."
    "Don't blame the parent. Plenty of suffering and blame to go around, although that white Jesus, well, could stand a little more suffering. He's doing very well for himself these days."
    "And how many colours does Jesus come in?"
    "Why, you got your white Jesuit-style Jesus, you got your black African Jesus, you got your brown Mexican Jesus, you got your swarthy Greek Jesus, you've got—"
    "Well, that's a, that's a lot of Jesus."
    "There's a lot of need for Jesus, so, there's a lot of Jesus." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • "This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is."
    "You've been to a lot of other countries, have you?"
    "No, no, never, just this one. Just that the others know what they are. I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique. Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are."
    "Americans know who they are."
    "They pretend they know." (American Gods, S01E03)
  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Mark Lanegan – "St. James Infirmary Blues" (American Gods, S01E03)
  • RT: did you notice the ACN [from THE NEWSROOM] logo? (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "He wasn't my son."
    "You're denying paternity?!"
    "Mary's word versus mine." (The Leftovers, S03E05)
  • "That's the guy I was telling you about." (The Leftovers, S03E05)


(The Leftovers, S03E05)

  • "Trigger warning: Fuck you!" (Silicon Valley, S04E04)
  • "American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt!" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby." (Veep, S06E05)
  • "What does Rumpleforeskin want?" (Veep, S06E05)
  • "You want me to just say, 'Cowabunga, mom!'?"
    "Oh, yes, that would be awesome."
    "Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "Cowabunga, mother!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E19)
  • "It's easy to look at this place and think we're rich now, like that half-naked Scottish duck you boys love." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Chris Elliott (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E23)
  • Fresh Off The Boat Season Grade: C-
  • "I understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at E! co-hosting Fashion 9-1-1."
    "Um, it was Fashion 9/11, and it was immediately cancelled." (Great News, S01E08)
  • "How does the quiet half of the room feel about Gilead?" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "Please don't be sorry. Please do something." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • "My country is dying."
    "My country is already dead." (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • ♫: Adam Taylor – "He's Alive" (The Handmaid's Tale, S01E06)
  • Speechless Season Grade: D+
  • "Enemies are at the gates – inside the gates, fornicating with our cookware!" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • "My mom." (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Minor Mishap Marching Band – "Track Suit" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • ♫: Jeff Russo and Noah Hawley – "Ship of Fools" (Fargo, S03E05)
  • Joe Buck: "I was born in Florida. Of course I've had a finger in my ass." (Brockmire, S01E08)
  • Brockmire Season Grade: C-


(Saturday Night Live, S42E21)

  • Saturday Night Live Season Grade: C
  • "Can't jerk off in AirBNBs." (Master of None, S02E02)
  • ♫: Kraftwerk – "Computer Love" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Sorry I had to cancel on Sunday. I had to tune in for that WWE SummerSlam pay-per-view. […] Dean Ambrose wrestled Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship." (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "You're the son of Scatman?" (Master of None, S02E04)
  • "Favourite taco in New York?"
    "Mm, Los Tacos No.1, the al pastor." (Master of None, S02E05)
  • "Why are white girls always talking about grain bowls?" (Master of None, S02E06)


(Master of None, S02E09)

  • Raven Live! (Master of None, S02E10)
  • "We don't run here at Raven Live!" (Master of None, S02E10)


(Master of None, S02E10)

  • "I mean, I don't think you can see into the future."
    "I know you did not just bring up That's So Raven." (Master of None, S02E10)
  • Master of None Season Grade: B-

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek

First in Freedom

// Charlotte, NC

The DVD selection in my AirBNB was…eclectic:

An unopened Caddyshack II!


1-800-got-a similar logo and colour scheme.

Guy Roofing is "the official roofing contractor of the Carolina Panthers."


THE GREATEST NAME IN FLAGS.

I notice a sign on the counter while being rung up at a state liquor store.

Jon: [to cashier] You keep Hennessy behind the counter?!
Cashier: [nods]

First in Flight

Back from Charlotte, North Carolina, where the Billy Graham Library is the "number one attraction," and delivering pizza for Domino's is the "best side hustle."

In Charlotte, pedestrian crossing walking man signals appear a few seconds before traffic lights in the same direction turn green, which surely has caused some accidents as drivers hit the gas upon seeing a walking man, like how sometimes drivers in a straight lane hit the gas upon seeing a green left turn light.

I saw South Carolina school buses leaving the NASCAR Hall of Fame. What a field trip.

I saw a beggar on a traffic median holding a blank piece of cardboard.

I saw this on a banner after exiting a highway in Gastonia:

Ehh…

Secular Christian?

Rory: Monotheistic Hedonist.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. Mr. Nancy (American Gods, S01E02)


Stray Observations

  • "I want to eat your hair." (Making History, S01E08)
  • "I will mount your head on a pike and use it as a hat rack – ugly hats only." (Making History, S01E08)
  • "Any last words, gentlemen?"
    "I did it all for the nookie."
    "Amen." (Making History, S01E08)
  • Gillian Anderson as Lucille Ball (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "I don't want to work for you, I Love Lucy." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "Hey, you ever wanted to see Lucy's tits?" (American Gods, S01E02)
  • American Boners (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "No cow-killing stories during dinner."
    "How do you think meat get on your plate, huh? It takes strength, but not only strength, it takes talent, because it's a craft. You have to do it right or the cow gets angry, and angry meat taste bad." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • "You're my only black friend." (American Gods, S01E02)
  • ♫: Genghis Barbie – "Take on Me" (The Leftovers, S03E04)
  • "Well, is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes, actually, could you run and go get me some tape?"
    "Oh, I got some right here. Sorry, it's only Scotch, masking, and duct." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "Okay, you guys go see if the smelling salts are over there."
    "Oh, the day I don't bring my salt purse!" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "She's too busy pussing out."
    "Or is she too busy pussing in?" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E17)
  • "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna go ahead and sing it." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "It truly was a Shawshank redemption." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "Oh, the miracle of nipples – nature's horchata." (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • "Dawn: Australian for 'baby.' Like the first light of the new day, or a dishwashing detergent that cuts through grease like a knife. But that's not a knife, this is a baby. Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda…" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E18)
  • The Last Man on Earth Season Grade: C-
  • "I'm literally the only person in this entire grocery store who's actually buying stuff for myself." (Silicon Valley, S04E03)
  • ♫: Dr. Octagon – "Blue Flowers" (Silicon Valley, S04E03)
  • "I'm just the cream filling in this gayclair." (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Ma'am, Sherman Tanz called again."
    "Oh, God. Where are we with that?"
    "All 'no's."
    "Yeah, just like his face." (Veep, S06E04)
  • Jonah's hold music (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Chocolate chip walnut cookies from Levain." (Veep, S06E04)
  • "You're two hours late."
    "No, that's impossible. I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time."
    "Saving, not savings."
    "You set your watch the wrong way."
    "It's neither a plural, nor a possessive."
    "No, it's spring. I springed backwards."
    "No, you spring forward!"
    "Have ever watched girls' gymnastics? That makes no sense!" (Veep, S06E04)
  • "Ma'am, New York Times says Montez is naming the nominee today."
    "Eh."
    "Buzzfeed confirms."
    "Oh, my God, really?"
    "Yeah, we should be getting a phone call any minute."
    "Ooh, my heart is racing!"
    "I bet this time, it's just menopause." (Veep, S06E04)
  • Superior Donuts Season Grade: D
  • "That man is full of bologna."
    "Baloney."
    "You're right. He's so vile, we should use the crude Americanization of the word." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "I'm gonna crush you like a can of diet seltzer water." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "Now when people think of the Nine-Nine, they'll think of, um… Oh, Detective Diaz filling an iron with tequila."
    "So I could make tequila steam."
    "I can't quite believe I'm gonna say this, but I'm sorry I even came to Rochester." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E17)
  • "That's right. Imagine a Valentine's Day with no cards from your cousins." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E18)
  • Howard Hesseman (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E22)
  • "My body is a temple, and by that, I mean I let a lot of Jewish guys in." (Great News, S01E05)
  • Directed by Eva Longoria (Black-ish, S03E24)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: C


(Archer, S08E06)

  • "Joe Buck didn't shit in your bed. That was Musburger." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • "So your life would have been completely different had Musburger just had a smaller dinner." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • "Cuckmire." (Brockmire, S01E07)
  • Riverdale Season Grade: D+
  • "You'd be amazed at the pheromone community." (Shark Tank, S08E24)
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: C

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Better Call Saul
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets

#clipoftheweek