Pushing 40 in the friend zone

Erm…

Pretending to support your son's jet skiing aspiration to get him out of your hair.

Then what?

Billy is humbled on the Pro Jet Ski Tour and, when his father doesn't seem to care at all if he makes it or not, bonds with his father over being dicks to people.

Convincing your daughter that she has to protect a baby from zombies to get her out of your hair.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

42. It's Sometimes Seinfeld in Philadelphia (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E07)


Stray Observations

  • "Wooden, yet cuddly. Step aside, Josh Hartnett." (Bob's Burgers, S09E03)
  • Ian + Mickey + Frank Ocean (Shameless, S09E06)
  • "I work with my sister too, Sara."
    "Oh, it's 'Sah-rah.' Tara does not like me to rhyme." (Kidding, S01E06)
  • "I defeated Michel Kwan."
    "Oh, I've heard of her."
    "No, you haven't. He's 47 and French." (Kidding, S01E06)
  • "That's our parakeet, Tara-keet."
    "She says 'our,' but I was the one that rescued you from that pet store." (Kidding, S01E06)
  • ♫: Bauhaus (Kidding, S01E06)
  • "Am I an alligator?"
    "I don't know what you are."
    [William Hurt]
    "Oh, uh, um, uh, I was in Children of a Lesser God and The Doctor. Um, Damages season two?" (Camping, S01E01)
  • "Do you want me to have a dysfunctional pelvic floor the whole of your birthday weekend?" (Camping, S01E01)
  • "Oh, shit! Ronan Farrow!" (South Park, S22E04)
  • "Sorry, you got me at a bad time. I'm busy."
    "You're dead. What do you have to do?"
    "I got to look out the window and cry while I masturbate. It's my daily thing." (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E06)
  • Censoring "retarded" but not "fuck" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E07)
  • "We can't even just sit around having memories without things getting out of hand."
    "Well, at least we're not being lazy, right? We're coming up with new stuff." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E07)
  • RT: Kevin Garvey Sr. once visited Sydney and "this hippie with a red headband walks right up to me and says, 'Do you wanna talk to God?'" Which is exactly what happens to Chidi in the park before the sprinklers go off. (The Good Place, S03E05)
  • "A complete account of every single thing we've done and learned."
    "I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth in chart and graph form, and I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough." (The Good Place, S03E05)
  • "Hey, nice Carmen Sandiego sleeping bag."
    "Actually, it's a knock-off."
    "Oh, Miranda Sanfrancisco."
    "My mom bought it at the 99 cent store that also sells milk." (Big Mouth, S02E08)
  • "Sacramento can eat its own ass." (Big Mouth, S02E08)
  • "Um, what's that duct tape trash bag next to your stuff?"
    "Oh, that's my sleeping bag. It doubles as a car window." (Big Mouth, S02E08)
  • "If you can look up at the sky, there are many constellations visible tonight."
    "And also, as a teacher who wants to speak, I will say the stars are just like us. I heard that from the gas pump TV, but don't drink the gas, kids, 'cause it's expensive." (Big Mouth, S02E08)
  • "You know how I can tell when you're lying? You look like Mitch McConnell." (Big Mouth, S02E08)
  • "You truly are an enigma."
    "You're not supposed to say that word anymore." (Big Mouth, S02E09)
  • "These girls are hot, but they smell like herring and dark bread. You got to kiss somebody else to get the dark bread taste out of your mouth." (Big Mouth, S02E09)
  • "He called you a gigantic jizz creep."
    "Well, maybe he's right, maybe I am. I mean, look at me."
    "Hey, man, you look great. Women are into soggy guys. Says so right here in Soggy Guy Monthly." (Big Mouth, S02E09)
  • Big Mouth Season Grade: D

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Snowfall
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?


My presence alone can exterminate masses

A Davis high school student allegedly baked her grandfather's ashes into a batch of sugar cookies and gave them to classmates, some of whom were aware they contained human remains before they ate them, authorities said Tuesday.

Andy Knox, a student at the school, told KCRA-TV that he was just about to go into his environmental science class when a girl in the same class offered him a cookie. When she told him there was a special ingredient, he assumed it was marijuana.

"I didn't believe her until she pulled out the urn," he said.

Knox said that the cookie didn't taste unusual but "if you ever ate sand as a kid, you know, you can kind of feel it crunching in between your teeth. So, there was a little tiny bit of that."


I mean, sure…

You like dinosaurs? Have a lava-coloured candy bracelet.

Jurassic World-branded ring pops are at least shaped like claws.


Squeeyore.

Intrepi-glet?

Tsundoku

That's Jonas Jerebko's bed?

How tall is he?

6'10".

MAREE designs and creates the world's largest luxury beds.

OUR CLIENTS
Zaza Pachulia
Ilya Kovalchuk
Plaxico Burress
Jonathan Papelbon
Hulk Hogan

When Kevin Love is too depressed to get out of his massive bed.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Springfield for Hitler (South Park, S22E03)


Stray Observations

  • "Whoa! A secret arcade."
    "It's exactly how I always imagined Craig Kilborn's garage." (Bob's Burgers, S09E02)
  • "The only way to knock over Family Funtime is to do it in one shot. Hit 'em before they know what hit 'em."
    "Like a bris." (Bob's Burgers, S09E02)
  • "I have saved the whales. I have saved the children. Your sister started a school in Belize for girls with Belizean problems." (Kidding, S01E05)
  • "You're good at the quiet arts, like conveying disdain." (Kidding, S01E05)
  • Better Call Saul Season Grade: C
  • Mr. Inbetween Season Grade: C
  • "Time and time again, history has shown the hubris of men knows no bounds. Have we learned nothing from Attila the Hun, Herod the Great…Mark Zuckerberg?!" (American Horror Story: Apocalypse, S08E05)
  • "No, there's also pictures of roadkill and roast beef sandwiches to accurately depict what a vagina looks like." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E06)
  • "Yeah, but are you more gay than you are Catholic?"
    "I don't know. They're at war." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E06)
  • "As far as I can tell, the whole floor is abandoned. What do they use it for? Storage?"
    "No, this is the journalism department." (The Good Place, S03E04)
  • "Okay, so you can write off Borderlands and Assassin's Creed, but these other ones, I don't know, it's too much." (The Romanoffs, S01E02)
  • ♫: Kendrick Lamar – "DNA" (The Romanoffs, S01E02)
  • ♫: Cake – "I Will Survive" (The Romanoffs, S01E02)
  • "What do I do in the future?"
    "You're a TV personality Nick Star, of course, and you have your own show on Nitflax. It's a cartoon about how you rocked as a kid."
    "And do I like it?"
    "You don't mind it, although you'd like to do more dramatic roles."
    "How come?"
    "I don't know. It's a pure ego thing." (Big Mouth, S02E06)
  • "Yeah, I'll have two scoops of that white shit he was talking about." (Big Mouth, S02E06)
  • "Okay, if it's Greg's, why are you wearing it?"
    "To warm it up."
    "What?"
    "You know when you put on a fresh locket, and it's just too darn cold on your skin?" (Big Mouth, S02E07)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Snowfall
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?


Never fight a man with a perm

Steven: Do you know Mariah Carey? Like, I want to be her for Halloween with a Michael Myers mask and wig, but I need to know if she has any iconic thing I can also wear.
Jon: [pause]

Steven: Mariah Carey's face looks exactly like the Michael Myers mask.
Steven: https://www.google.com/search?q=mariah%20carey%20michael%20myers
Jon: Okay… So you want to be Mariah Carey wearing a mask of her own face? Mariah Carey with a rotten face?
Steven: No, bruh, Michael Myers dressed as Mariah Carey!
Jon: You're just gonna look like Michael Myers in drag.


Adam Robot: I was checking out what shows were coming up here, just in case I missed something. I see there's a Linkin Park tribute band coming. FFS. Imagine going to that.
Jon: I might, just to experience Mike Shinoda adjace.

Adam Robot:

Adam Robot: It's gotta be the guy with the flat brim.
Jon: Oh man… Method rapping. Chester adjace too!

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week


40. The Seattle crowd boos Kevin Owens and Elias into oblivion (WWE Raw, 10-01-18)


Honourable Mention

  • "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth (Shameless, S09E04)
  • Mac and Charlie beat the unholy crap out of a gang of children (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E05)

Stray Observations

  • "I'm not boy crazy. I've never felt more boy sane." (Bob's Burgers, S09E01)
  • "No loud noises."
    "I'll tell my butt." (Bob's Burgers, S09E01)
  • "I could go for another visit to the boy-ffet." (Bob's Burgers, S09E01)
  • "What's a Weinstein?"
    "Being manipulative and pathetic."
    "About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic."
    "You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?"
    "Allegedly."
    "No…"
    "Then you're probably an Ansari."
    "What's an Ansari?"
    "That's just being a dick." (Shameless, S09E04)
  • "You're a congressman again. What are you going to do?"
    "Absolutely nothing." (Shameless, S09E04)


Chris Partlow's computer-generated pelvis (The Deuce, S02E04)

  • "Brace yourself."
    "What?" (The Deuce, S02E04)
  • "Hey, dad, I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini." (Kidding, S01E04)
  • "I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head and then look him in the eye over osso buco." (Kidding, S01E04)
  • "And then I loved her in the pussy." (Kidding, S01E04)
  • "Hate doesn't punish who you think it does." (Kidding, S01E04)
  • "The world is a perfect circle of endless possibilities."
    "It's not a circle. It's a hole." (Kidding, S01E04)
  • "I mean, look at us. 30. Single. Black. Out here thriving. Looking like all three Jennifer Hudsons." (Insecure, S03E08)
  • Insecure Season Grade: C
  • "Tear-jerking dramas like Love, Actually and BASEketball." (WWE SmackDown LIVE, 10-02-18)
  • "I am a 2018 Range Rover woman!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S13E05)
  • "Do you know how much weird stuff has happened because of your little experiment? England left Europe. That Hugh Jackman musical about P.T. Barnum, it made like 400 million dollars. Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars are good now."
    "Impossible!"
    "I'm serious! They're going to make the playoffs! Blake Bortles is…kind of okay, maybe? I don't know, it's…being debated amongst experts." (The Good Place, S03E03)
  • "I mean, because of you, Byron Allen owns the Weather Channel now."
    "Is, is that bad?"
    "I don't know, but it's weird, man!" (The Good Place, S03E03)
  • "Everyone was there for some other book – boy witch – written by a homeless British teacher, of all things!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E01)
  • "Whoa. An RV's no place to be sad…" (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E01)


Legion Admiral Fukuyama costume? (Into the Dark: The Body, S01E01)

  • "Oh, shit, man! I was just on VentureBeat's list of 40 under 40! I can't die like this!" (Into the Dark: The Body, S01E01)
  • "He's like Tracy Morgan. I don't know if he knows he's being funny, but he's fucking funny." (Big Mouth, S02E01)
  • "What is that? An undershirt?"
    "Uhh, it's Kirkland Signature? They also make water." (Big Mouth, S02E02)
  • "What do you know, Fillion? You're just a sex symbol for nerds and geriatrics!"
    "Gasp!"
    "And you have way more hair than you really need!" (Big Mouth, S02E02)
  • Golf Lundgren (Big Mouth, S02E04)
  • "Get out!" (Big Mouth, S02E05)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Snowfall
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Who Is America?