"How's it looking?"
"Your girlfriend is gonna love this one, bro."
"No, it's not my girlfriend, it's my mom."
"Bro, you should've told me that before I started working on these titties." (Shameless, S08E02)
"Tandy, I appreciate your efforts, but I think I'm just too tired to be stimulated nipple-arily." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
"Hey, Care Bear, would you feel better if I stayed up all night and watched your vagina?"
"You would do that for me?"
"I would do that for a lot of people, but tonight, yes, it's for you." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
"Carol, columns could crumble, the moon could explode, a banshee could scream in the very face of time, and I will not stop watching this vagina." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E06)
"I follow the golden rule, okay? 'Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you' – the golden rule."
"I follow the golden rule too – my friend Jasper Golden. 'Fuck them or they'll fuck you.'" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
"I don't want some post-sex guy walking around my house, okay? Now get out."
"First of all, there's nothing wrong with people having the scent of fuck on their body."
"I don't like the scent of fuck, okay? Sue me. I don't like fuck scent." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
"Gorgeous Romanian?! That's an oxymoron." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
"You have two children, heating and air-conditioning. You have to pick one, the one you had an affinity for, and the other one goes into the concentration camp. Which one you gonna keep?"
"Heat. Go with heat."
"So air conditioning's going to the concentration camp." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E07)
"Fuck this $25,000 tiger." (Vice Principals, S02E09)
Vice principal Stevie Janowski (Vice Principals, S02E09)
"Grandma, I know what movie you should do for your ESL final monologue: The Sandlot."
"I told you, nothing with Denis Leary." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E07)
"This is a huge opportunity. Governor Filucci is the real deal. He served in the Gulf War. He speaks Punjabi. He authored a crossword puzzle for the New York Times."
"Let me guess. Monday?" (The Mayor, S01E07)
"A Nakatomi Plaza cake?! The groom is on a licorice hose!" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E06)
"Kai, will you relax? Let me make you a Manwich."
"Fuck a Manwich!" (American Horror Story, S07E11)
"Fortify yourselves with some vitamin A!" (American Horror Story, S07E11)
"It was your idea to cut off his face." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
"Killing people doesn't get the men hard and the ladies wet anymore, but Americans lose their ever-loving shit when you destroy their symbols, statues, flags, pledges of allegiance, $20 bills, white Jesus, and Merry fucking Christmas! You come for any of that stuff, you've got rioting in the streets and domination of the news cycle for weeks." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
"You were wrong. There is something more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man: A nasty woman." (American Horror Story, S07E11)
American Horror Story Season Grade: B-
Mar-a-Lago (Mr. Robot, S03E06)
"Another fine choice of venue by Sergei."
"I passed that buffoon of an owner in the lobby. You gonna take him up on his offer to go boating tomorrow?"
"Oh, please, don't remind me. Those swim trunks he insists upon wearing, a bit too snug. And a bit too short, wouldn't you say?"
"Mm. I believe the appropriate term is 'hanging brain.'" (Mr. Robot, S03E06)
♫: Slothrust – "Like A Child Hiding Behind Your Tombstone" (You're the Worst, S04E13)
You're the Worst Season Grade: D+
Better Things Season Grade: C
The Walking Dead + Breaking Bad + Talking Bad (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E04)
"Why are Republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It's not like he wrote the remix to 'Ignition'…" (Saturday Night Live, S43E06)
"I've always wanted to fuck Luigi. I love Italian dick. I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy. The whole dick. He has a dragon that shits eggs like a chicken. That's fucking dope." (Future Man, S01E01)
"Now, what was I talking about?"
"Oh, yes, of course. I'll never forget the night I contracted it. It was the night of the moon landing."
"That is a historic moment to contract herpes." (Future Man, S01E01)
"I'm like, I don't even remember buying this. Then I realized it was my dad's Fleshlight." (Future Man, S01E04)
"It's like macaroons for my nose!" (Future Man, S01E04)
Kombucha-boarding (Future Man, S01E04)
"No more, please! I can't take it! It's too tart!" (Future Man, S01E04)
"Morris, 'buch him." (Future Man, S01E04)
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Deuce Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Nathan For You
My work's weekly staff video conference always opens with a survey question. This week's question: What was the first album you owned?
Jon: 2 Live Crew – As Nasty As They Wanna Be. The Rest of the Staff: [pause]
I am driving the boy and girl home from school.
Jon: What time did you wake up this morning? The Boy: 7:00am. Jon: That late? The Girl: No, 5:00am…and you are listening to Los Angeles!
Did she just reference Soul Coughing's "Screenwriter's Blues"?
I come upon Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" on the radio.
The Boy: Is this a remix?
The boy now dresses like Edgar on You're the Worst.
I drop the boy off for swimming at a local community college.
Whenever I see Asian students at a community college, I wonder if their parents are disappointed. Their parents are probably just undocumented, though, or desperate for their children to attend college in America.
Why is Cash Cab returning as Cash Cab and not Cash Uber?
Idea: Casino Monopoly. Play Monopoly with real money (as chips). A dealer is the banker. For accessibility, all dollar amounts are one-tenth of the board game's. Instead of beginning with $1500, the buy-in to play is $150. Receive $20 as you pass Go. Mediterranean Avenue is $6, Boardwalk is $40. If you need more money, you can mortgage properties or just open your wallet. A game ends when one player goes bankrupt.
Idea: A roast of Louis C.K. with a dais of women he was sexually inappropriate with. At the end, Louis roasts the dais for admiring him.
Idea: A Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, but for beer. Create your own beer cocktail. Beer concentrate exists.
X-Men: Animated Series theme song (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S02E03)
"Wait. I know that I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it. We should put leaves in our underwear." (Bob's Burgers, S08E04)
"Liam, how was school today?"
"Okay. Some cracker told me my life mattered." (Shameless, S08E01)
"Well, these stairs are an obvious hazard, but nothing a couple packing peanuts can't fix."
"Yeah, packing peanuts. You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS."
"SIFILISS. You know, Sudden Infant Falling Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?"
"Oh, I thought you meant the other one."
"No, I'm talking about the bad one." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E05)
"I'm baby-proofing, and you are doing the reverse. You're…foorpybab-ing."
"I am not, Carol, and I take offense at that, okay? If anything, I'm doing the reverse of foorpybab-ing. I'm, uhh…babbyprof-ing." (The Last Man on Earth, S04E05)
"I'd rather play with a fast Manson than a slow Funkhauser." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E06)
"A stabbing range where you stab dummies." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E06)
"The fuck is this? A spaceship on a ladder?"
"I think it's a train."
"On a ladder?" (Vice Principals, S02E08)
(Vice Principals, S02E08)
"Today, me and my sister were spying on Lee in the bathroom when we caught him standing on the bathroom sink inspecting his own asshole in the mirror." (Vice Principals, S02E08)
♫: Big Black Delta – "Roost" (Vice Principals, S02E08)
"Take a pear and get out there, woman gay." (Fresh Off the Boat, S04E06)
"I'd like to bet $20,000 on Yabba Dabba Doo." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
"Addiction is nothing to fool around with. I had food issues. I ate a crate of hams once." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
"Murder Truck" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
"Oh no, he is deep in the ham crate." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
"I'm glad you get your money back. You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of my balls." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S05E05)
♫: Harry Styles – "Sign of the Times" (Riverdale, S02E05)
"I don't know anything. I'm just a turtle." (South Park, S21E07)
Elliott's employee number is 07-23-91, the date that birthed the Mandela Effect (Mr. Robot, S03E05)
♫: Blues Traveler – "Run-Around" (Mr. Robot, S03E05)
"We had successfully transformed the church social hall I had rented into a ballroom fit for Cinderella herself, and Bill looked like the spitting image of Alex Sanford in the thick-rimmed non-prescription glasses we had purchased from Sam's Club." (Nathan For You, S04E07)
Set in 1930s prohibition, a corrupt cop discovers that the popular speakeasy in town has been infiltrated by vampires. [source]
A group of sex party attendees wake up naked in the snow. In the nearby cabin they find a dead girl and a message: In order to survive, they must decide who is responsible for the girl's death and murder that person accordingly. [source]
Catching up on news out of this year's American Film Market…
A humble Chinese cell phone salesman somehow averts a civil war in Africa, featuring an eight-minute fight sequence between Mike Tyson and Steven Seagal.
Bruce Willis trains Chinese troops in WWII drama, which features art direction by Mel Gibson.
Described as "Ex Machina meets Black Swan and Whiplash." Mickey Rourke and Anne Heche have signed up.
Set in a forlorn future controlled by artificial intelligence, the story centers around a distraught Olympian figure skater who must overcome her demons and attempt to escape her infinite world to compete for the Winter Olympics against androids.
Lawrence Krauss, world-renowned theoretical physicist and best-selling author of A Universe From Nothing has also signed on to attach artificial intelligence and robotics companies to the film.
Jonathan Lipnicki horror film sees a reclusive circus master invite a group of social media stars to his house of haunts. Anyone who can make it out before being scared into submission will earn $250,000.
"The mail woman has stopped delivering since our date."
"Had the same situation with a girl at Burger King. Haven't had a Whopper in fuckin' three years." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E05)
"There's also a post office credo. They should put 'spite' in there. Neither rain nor snow nor heat nor spite shall keep these couriers." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S09E05)
"Bloody promises, bloody tips. This is how a pact is made." (Vice Principals, S02E07)
"If this works out for Junior, he could put us in public school."
"What is that even like?"
[cut to Jack and Diane watching Dangerous Minds] (Black-ish, S04E05)
"Simon Cowell brutal or O.J. brutal?" (The Mayor, S01E04)
Evan Peters as Marshall Applewhite, David Koresh, and Jim Jones (American Horror Story, S07E09)
"I found this on wikiHow."
"'How to escape from a cult.'" (American Horror Story, S07E09)
Evan Peters as Jesus Christ high-fiving Evan Peters as Jim Jones (American Horror Story, S07E09)
"Doubters get no cookies!" (American Horror Story, S07E09)
"The bed is for family." (American Horror Story, S07E09)
Dave Grohl as David Letterman (Jimmy Kimmel Live!, 10-31-17)
"Betty's ponytail is iconic and beyond reproach." (Riverdale, S02E04)
"Hey! Stay away from those lemons! Just because they're hanging over the sidewalk doesn't mean they're free! You people act like I don't need these lemons, but I do! I need them very badly!" (You're the Worst, S04E10)
"Mmm! This is good!"
"It's Country Time. My lemons aren't juicing lemons." (You're the Worst, S04E10)