The Hajj

"What is the purpose of your visit?"
"Uhh… To see the third Trailer Park Boys film at a cinema?"

I used to think a WWE work schedule was glamorous – you know, being in a different city every night – but now, just looking at that map exhausts me.

At least I get to spend time in my two favourite cities in the world.

Vancouver: April 15-19
Seattle: April 19-23
Chicago: April 23-24
Louisville: April 24-26
New York City: April 26-May 2?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Paul Heyman addresses the end of The Undertaker's streak (WWE Raw, 04-07-14)

"The best promo in the history of Raw."

"The greatest promo of all time."

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "It was just two small coincidences."
    "That's what I call my testicles." (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • Linda's psychic noise (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • "Are they confused why Jerry Lewis is calling?" (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • "Everybody sounds like Sandy Duncan to you, mom. Sandy Duncan this, Sandy Duncan that…" (Bob's Burgers, S04E16)
  • "No straight woman wears Adidas." (Shameless, S04E12)
  • "Why didn't you tell me you had a grandfather?"
    "He doesn't have wifi." (Shameless, S04E12)
  • Jimmy/Steve/Jack! (Shameless, S04E12)
  • Shameless Season Grade: A-

(Game of Thrones, S04E01)

  • "Every party in Silicon Valley ends up like a Hasidic wedding." (Silicon Valley, S01E01)
  • "This is Silicon Valley, not….Paris, Texas." (Silicon Valley, S01E01)
  • "It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall skinny white guy, a short skinny Asian guy, fat guy with a ponytail, some guy with crazy facial hair, and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group." (Silicon Valley, S01E01)
  • "Thank you, Dan. FUCK YOU, DAN!" (Veep, S03E01)
  • "That bag of wrist slits got the nomination?" (Veep, S03E01)
  • "All my orgasms have come at once." (Veep, S03E01)
  • "Bray's gonna kill you" chant (WWE Raw, 04-07-14)
  • The crowd chanting for "3MB" at Kane, Batista, and Orton (WWE Raw, 04-07-14)
  • Amir Johnson is the guest judge? (Top Chef Canada, S04E05)
  • "Calm down, Colonel Panic." (Archer, S05E11)
  • "Mike Ducockless!" (Archer, S05E11)
  • "Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please."
    "White people. Nononono! Black people. And Hispanic on half." (Rick and Morty, S01E10)
  • "Did you ever consider that, Tokyo Drift?" (From Dusk Till Dawn, S01E05)
  • "This may as well be a slow night in the champagne room for how comfortably erect I'm gonna be watching your bitch ass squirm about." (Justified, S05E13)
  • Not Jimmy! (Justified, S05E13)
  • "So what are you gonna do now, Boyd?"
    "Well, John F. Kennedy said, 'Effort and courage don't mean anything without purpose and direction.' I don't have either, so I'll probably be laying low for a little while." (Justified, S05E13)
  • Justified Season Grade: C+
  • "Squeeze your anus." (The Americans, S02E07)
  • "Is it him?"
    "Am I who?"
    "What is a bundle of sticks? What do you consider a bundle of sticks?" (Workaholics, S04E12)
  • "PopoZãos everywhere." (Workaholics, S04E12)
  • "Press stop on Dave Matthews." (Community, S05E12)
  • "I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the colour spectrum." (Parks and Recreation, S06E19)
  • One week after appearing on Portlandia, Jeff Tweedy appears on Parks and Recreation (Parks and Recreation, S06E19)
  • "LaMarcus Woman." (Portlandia, S04E07)
  • YTMND'd: "I'M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY DICK!!!" (Review, S01E06)
  • "He's jealous of MY balls." (Kitchen Nightmares, S06E01)
  • "Bing bong rollie jays." (Saturday Night Live, S39E18)


We take the love we feel we earn and leave the rest to burn


Idea: A disaster wipes out 99% of humanity on Earth, and all the male survivors are gingers.

Live Thog: Brick Mansions Trailer

This is similar to Banlieue 13. Did Luc Besson remake his own film?

Yes, yes he did – and with David Belle reprising his role in Banlieue 13!

I know that Banlieue 13 is noted for its parkour, and that David Belle is the founder of parkour, but why would a French dude be living in Detroit's projects? Surely there are Arabs who are adept at parkour.

The director of 13 Tzameti also remade his own film in English.

The Horizon Has Been Defeated

for when I visit Adam Robot this summer

Rory: You want to open a dance studio?
Jon: I feel like it would be easy money. Low investment, high reward. All I need is a space, some mirrors, a handrail, and a teacher.
Rory: Heh. And demand for dance lessons.
Jon: That too, yes. But when business is slow, I can throw some mats on the floor and boom – instant karate studio!

Jon: Combination dance and karate studio. No, combination dance and yoga studio. I don't want to have to spend money on belts and cinder blocks in addition to mats.

Jon: You think someone who can teach both dance and karate exists?

I am wasted but I'm ready

This week thus far on late night television:

Tonight: The Lighter Side of… Retirement

Tomorrow: Here we go with another ridiculous MAD Fall-on

Tweets about Jeopardy! regularly appear in my timeline, and for a long time, I wondered why.

—What's up with all the Jeopardy! tweets? I can't remember the last time I watched.

Then I lived in New York City and realized that there is nothing good on television when Jeopardy! airs on the east coast. Jeopardy! is something decent to watch before primetime programming begins.

On the west coast, when Jeopardy! is on, so is primetime programming.


"I don't want a girlfriend," he said. "I'm totally happy and satisfied with my life right now. Check this out."

He reached under his bed and pulled out a long, glass bong. He held it out to me.

"Look what I did. I modified it," he said proudly.

I took it from him and looked closer. There was something stuffed into the mouthpiece.

"Is that a Fleshlight?" I asked.

"Yeah, I glued it in there. I hot glued it."

"So you smoke weed through a bong that has a fake vaginal opening at the end? You put your mouth on the vagina and take bong rips?"

"Yeah, totally. The smoke can still squeeze through it. I also have sex with it a lot."

I quickly handed the monstrosity back to him.

"Like I said, I don't want a girlfriend. I have everything I need right here," he said. He looked lovingly at the bong and kissed the fleshy mound before carefully sliding it back under his bed.

I left shortly after that. I had a really bad stomach ache.

As I drove home, I realized that I hadn't thought to inspect the bong more thoroughly to see what liquid was in the bottom of it. I was thankful that I hadn't. [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. The Best Part Is Going Home (Portlandia, S04E06)


Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "How do we get out?"
    "I think I know how, but it's a little dangerous."
    "Like 'sandwiches with toothpicks in them' dangerous?"
    "Even more dangerous than that."
    "Like eating a bomb?"
    "Blh–in between." (Bob's Burgers, S04E15)
  • Rape attempt on Carl! (The Walking Dead, S04E16)
  • The Walking Dead Season Grade: C
  • "Maybe she's your real mom." (Shameless, S04E11)
  • "At millions of g's, even light bows to gravity." (Cosmos, S01E04)
  • "We've got the whole Breakfast Club in here. I'm Emilio Estevez. Cyril's obviously Anthony Michael Nerd. Mother, you're Paul Gleason. Krieger's the loose cannon Judd Nelson. And Lana, you're…umm…"
    "Wait, seriously? Molly Ringwald."
    "So, what, you think I'm…Ally Sheedy?!"
    "Are you all just saying random words?" (Archer, S05E10)
  • "If I die out there, I want a coffin that looks like an Air Jordan shoebox, and I want the priest to be Bokeem Woodbine." (Chozen, S01E10)
  • "Assassin's Creed is bullshit!" (Chozen, S01E10)
  • Chozen Season Grade: C+
  • "I'm looking for Bryan Fuller." – inside television! (Bates Motel, S02E05)
  • Having sex to Drake! (Bates Motel, S02E05)
  • "That is a silver tongue."
    "I know I got a boner." (Justified, S05E12)
  • "The anus is on you." (Justified, S05E12)
  • "Worldstar!" (Justified, S05E12)
  • "That party's full of sophomores. Those women have lived." (Modern Family, S05E19)
  • "Just 'cause you light-skinned, that don't make you a doctor." (Workaholics, S04E11)
  • Keri Russell's naked backside! (The Americans, S02E06)
  • Reagan! (The Americans, S02E06)
  • "I did DJ a little back in the day. I had a show called Zoot Suit Wyatt." (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • Donna dated Coach K! (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • "I only listen to CDs. It's the way music like this was meant to be heard." (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • Greg Pikitis! (Parks and Recreation, S06E18)
  • Jeff Tweedy! (Portlandia, S04E06)

(Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, S03E06)

  • Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule Season Grade: C+
  • "Jude Law's 40-plus."
    "He doesn't look it, does he? He hasn't aged like you and I."
    "Well, he's balding."
    "Yeah, but he's got that face."
    "Yeah, he's got that really young bald look." (The Trip to Italy, S02E01)
  • "I can Hardy understand what he's saying." (The Trip to Italy, S02E01)
  • "Game's very good for you. It's the equivalent of eating Mo Farah." (The Trip to Italy, S02E01)
  • "There's a common emotion we all recognize and…not yet named – the happy anticipation of being able to feel contempt." (Hannibal, S02E06)
  • "They're varicose vines." (Hannibal, S02E06)
  • "He is attracted to medical and psychological fields because they offer power over man. Cannibalism…cannibalism is an act of dominance." (Hannibal, S02E06)
  • "Last time someone rang my doorbell this early, it was a census taker." – Silence of the Lambs reference! (Hannibal, S02E06)