Fantasy Has Come 2 Seatown

While waiting to board my flight to Seattle, a husky dude sat down beside me and pulled out his mobile. I looked over and…

Is he using Grindr?

Yes, yes he is.

Also my flight to Seattle was a husky ginger wearing a Macklemore shirt.

And husky dude wearing a tilted top hat makes three.

While exiting the aircraft, I noticed that husky dude wearing a tilted top hat was also wearing a dog collar.


Tony: When I was in Copenhagen, Allison and I ate this fancy restaurant.
Jon: Uhh…
Tony: Not Noma. It was a spin-off.

Tony: Allison ordered a dish that featured bone foam, which friends later pointed out sounds like jizz.

Tony: E.T. bone foam.

Tony: Jane and her neighbour did not get along. Before Jane left, she peed on her neighbour's welcome mat. She wanted to poop on it, but if she peed on it, then her neighbour would be crazy, not her.

Our uberX driver turned the radio on as we approached downtown Seattle and "Downtown" by Macklemore was playing. I thought of husky ginger.

Idea: A Mountain Dew-themed amusement park. Each ride is named after a flavour of Mountain Dew – Baja Blast, Code Red, Live Wire, Voltage…

Mike Kelly's height shocked me.

Was he this tall when we first met? Is he somehow still growing?

Chris: Is Pete Davidson master robot on SNL?
Jon: What?
Chris: Is Pete Davidson master robot on SNL?

Is he having a stroke?

OH. He thinks Pete Davidson looks like Rami Malek. Should I inform him that "master robot" is actually Christian Slater?

FanDuel and DraftKings are illegal in Washington state, so Washingtonians are bombarded with ads for nothing. It's kinda like Sonic [Drive-In].

Jon: You lived in Southern California for 30 years and buy a convertible after moving to Seattle?

Elizabeth: Initially, I thought "no firearms" signs in restaurants were a joke, but Washington is an open carry state. Thing is, firearms are only illegal in the bar area of a restaurant. You can carry in the rest of the restaurant – where alcohol is also served.
Jon: So if you have a hit out on you in this state, don't sit at the bar when dining out.

UCLA always loses when I'm in Seattle.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. End of the Road (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)

Honourable Mention

  • The Last Supper (The Is England '90, S01E03)
    [shot in two takes, the first of which was half an hour long]
  • Salt Lake City Sneaker Fetishist (True Life: My Fetish Is Ruining My Life)
  • CtPaTown Ad (South Park, S19E03)

Stray Observations

  • ♫: Evangelist – "Whirlwind of Rubbish" (The Is England '90, S01E03)
  • "We've uploaded police academy to your brain – the movies and the actual training."
    "They are funny, except for 5." (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
  • "He and mom are hitting it off like peanut butter and Jerry. You know, the kid from school who has peanut butter every day? Jerry?" (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
  • "Oooh. I just got the weirdest feeling inside."
    "Could be salmonella. That's what most weird feelings inside are."
    "No, it's like, uhh, something got on the wrong track a long time ago."
    "It could also be diarrhea." (Bob's Burgers, S06E01)
  • "Hi. Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 emoji." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • "No, Madeline, I don't have my own pigeon pants." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • "Let's blow some tiny minds." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S03E01)
  • Atticus Ross getting a main title theme credit for one note (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E05)
  • "I'm an addict."
    "No, you are a heroin addict. That's the gold standard. Don't sell yourself short." (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E05)
  • "What part of 'I'm setting my gems' do you not understand?" (The Last Man on Earth, S02E01)
  • Phil blasting M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" in the car with the song's gunshot samples drowning out Carol's actual gunshots (The Last Man on Earth, S02E01)
  • "Today, I made for you Far East China Sesame Chicken. It's no vegetable because they so poor in far east China." (Cutthroat Kitchen, S09E07)
  • ♫: Tony! Toni! Toné! – "Feels Good" (Rick and Morty, S02E09)
  • "Four lunatics and Barbara?" (Gotham, S02E02)
  • Edward Nygma Stefan Urquelle-ing (Gotham, S02E02)
  • "My cheese tool!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "Horse dumplings!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "I don't think that's cute. I think it's freaky. It's like a curse. It's like this poor baby angered some witch who cursed her to be trapped in a cabbage body, and now she needs an emperor's kiss to release her from the curse, but the emperors are gone, replaced by democracy, so this poor cabbage baby is left alone in the fields to be pecked at by crows, and then a photographer comes along, and he takes a photograph of her, and he sells it for lots of money, but he leaves her alone to a life of misery, for who could ever love a cabbage-faced baby?" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "Enough Little Man Boys!" (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "I thought you might like this alarm clock better. The lazy dog tells you when to get up." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E02)
  • "I'm a 50-year-old bachelor. We're society's most worthless people." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "That's the saddest sentence I've ever heard. It's like a poem." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "I'm cool. I watch Portlandia. I almost went to Coachella last year until I decided not to." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "You look a little young for a doctor. Could you get someone older? Asian if you got it." (Grandfathered, S01E01)
  • "What part of 'hashtag teen life' do you not understand?" (The Grinder, S01E01)
  • Rob Lowe dropping a "literally" (The Grinder, S01E01)
  • Ed Sheeran (The Bastard Executioner, S01E04)
  • Death by chicken drumstick (The Bastard Executioner, S01E04)
  • This show's take on a teenage hipster… (Modern Family, S07E02)
  • "My partner Clyde told me." (Empire, S02E02)
  • "We had one white girl, one black girl, and one Hispanic. I'm-a call them 'Rainbow Sensation.'" (Empire, S02E02)
  • "Anika knows marketing. She made a whole career selling her ass."
    "Oh, as opposed to you and your stellar career in pharmaceuticals?" (Empire, S02E02)
  • "Thirsty Rawlings." (Empire, S02E02)
  • Oh. Clyde is Petey Pablo's character (Empire, S02E02)
  • "Shower machete?" (Black-ish, S02E02)
  • "That makes it look like you ate Eddie Murphy." (Black-ish, S02E02)
  • "Somebody's in the house."
    "Then why are we in here? What's dad gonna do? Suck salsa off the burglar's shirt?"
    "Don't worry, guys. I know karate. Mop the floor! Mop the floor!" (Black-ish, S02E02)
  • "Let's go child labour force, let's go!" (South Park, S19E03)
  • "The Villas at Kenny's House." (South Park, S19E03)
  • "Juices?!"
    "What's wrong with that? What are you gonna call it?"
    "I call it 'love foam.'"
    "It's called 'brine," because it's salty and it tenderizes meat." (The League, S07E04)
  • The music composer for the film Whiplash wrote this episode (The League, S07E04)
  • "Scrambled eggs? A dish so pedestrian its name is the recipe?" (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • "Nathan and Tall Nathan are from a local comedy school, and they're gonna be teaching us a lesson in improv. Studies show that this can help with trauma-induced anxiety."
    "We know what you've all been through, and we're sensitive to it. [pause] Okay, let's start. Who wants to play a gay banana?" (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • "I stopped you from investing in Sufjan Stevens' broth restaurant." (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • Lindsay scraping microwaved semen into a coffee mug (You're the Worst, S02E04)
  • "Sandwich, Massachusetts." (Review, S02E10)
  • Review Season Grade: B
  • "I'm preparing the butter to sauté you in." (Shark Tank, S07E02)
  • RT: A lady on Shark Tank is crying about her eyelash extension business. It's not weird at all. Not thinking about Lexapro right now. (Shark Tank, S07E02)


Eater's Digest: Washington, D.C.

Previously on Adam Riff™:

I didn't chronicle my last trip to D.C. (Jan 2014). Just know that the frites at Granville Moore's are compulsively edible.

August 2015
the partisan / thomas foolery / captain cookie and the milkman / board room / bethesda bagels / sundevich / thip khao / gbd / nando's / woodward takeout food / compass rose / daikaya / red apron butcher at union market / ice cream jubilee / maketto

Duck French Toast Panini (The Partisan)
duck confit, foie gras, red wine duck jus, fried egg

K.F.P. (The Partisan)
korean fried pig foot, valentina hot sauce butter, blue cheese

Rotissi-fried Chicken (The Partisan)
half fried, half roasted, honey hot sauce

Snickers Terrine (The Partisan)
peanut butter cheesecake, milk chocolate and peanut caramel, chocolate glaze

Fernet Ice Cream Float (The Partisan)
ginger beer, lime zest, fernet-branca ice cream, ginger-molasses cookies

My kind of menu.

Stand-outs at The Partisan were: its Tigelle, served as complimentary bread, its extensive Charcuterie, and its

Beef Fat Fries (The Partisan)
roasted garlic, rosemary, ranch aioli

which Matt could not stop eating.

Red Tree Ant Egg Laab Salad (Thip Khao)

"I call it Laos caviar," says chef Seng Luangrath. A commonly eaten protein in the Southeast Asian country and neighboring Thailand, the ova are hand-harvested from nests often built on the leaves of mango trees. Texturally, the eggs are like caviar, but splooshier. [source]

I couldn't discern the ant eggs. This salad was just sour.

Duck Laab (Thip Khao)
duck, minced salad, toasted rice, garlic, scallion, cilantro, mint
—The stand-out dish of our meal.

Avocado Sticky Rice (Thip Khao)

For dessert!

MarionBerry Ice Cream (Ice Cream Jubilee)
ripe marionberries from oregon blended with sweet cream ice cream and graham cracker crumbs

Passionfruit Guava Sorbet (Ice Cream Jubilee)
passionfruit and guava mingle with a touch of orange and hibiscus

Scrumptious ice cream. Beside the till was a container of crushed sugar cone that you could sprinkle on your ice cream gratis.

Maketto is a retail store, coffee shop, and Asian restaurant in one from the owner and chef of Toki Underground.

Restaurant stand-outs:
Taiwanese Fried Chicken (Maketto)
Scallion Pancake (Maketto)

Et Cetera

Kingston Sandwich (Sundevich)
jerk chicken, pineapple salsa, greens, spicy slaw, garlic mayo

Khachapuri (Compass Rose)
cheese-filled bread, organic egg, local butter

The egg and butter are mixed with the cheese at your table.

Missed Connections

"Chicken and Waffles" (Daikaya)
chicken kara-age, red bean taiyaki, wasabi butter, maple syrup

Ice Cream Luge (Pop's SeaBar)
mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich, amaro

The ice cream sandwich is a luge for liqueur.

Face Bacon (The Pig)
jowl, smoked, slow roasted, maple

Fried Duck Heads (Thip Khao)


Now off to the other Washington.

I am extremely bummed that SMASH PUTT! closed.

Pancake Breakfast

Front-loading washers terrify me during spin cycles. They sound like they're out of control.

C-I-R-G-I-N seems like how a white female pop star or a Psychopathic Records artist might spell "surgeon," but I've never seen it spelled that way.

"iHeartRadio" is the cool dad-iest of corporate names. If that's what Clear Channel chose to re-brand as, imagine the names that were rejected.

related: TGI Fridays' Appley Madison campaign

My cousin Wayne lives in Taiwan. Whenever we see each other, the first thing he does is feel my stomach to gauge how fat I am.

Spanish weeks in my disco casino

Jon: Is it "coffee in the morning" or "fucking in the morning"?
Rory: Both. Miguel recorded two versions of the song.
Jon: Which one is canon, though? Is "coffee" a clean edit for "fucking"?

Fucking in the morning
I don't wanna wake you
I just wanna watch you sleep
It's the smell of your hair

Jon: The "fucking" version is kinda creepy.

Idea: A history of clean edits for "fuck."

Radiohead – "Creep" (1992)
You're so fucking special » You're so very special

Jay-Z – "Can I Get A…" (1998)
Can I get a "fuck you" » Can I get a "what what"

Nine Inch Nails – "Starfuckers, Inc." (2000)
Starfuckers Incorporated » Starsuckers Incorporated

Cee Lo – "Fuck You" (2010)
Fuck you and fuck her too » Forget you and forget her too

Tove Lo – "Talking Body" (2015)
If you love me right, we fuck for life » If you love me right, we love for life

Which is more disappointing: When an eatery only serves Pepsi products, or when an eatery only serves Boylan products?

Do hipster restaurants in Mexico only serve American Coca-Cola?

Ray's and Stark Bar in Los Angeles has a water menu.

Martin Riese, Water Sommelier, has curated a water selection that demonstrates the difference in taste between twenty-one different waters sourced from various regions of the world. Terroir affects water just like wine. Let us take you on a global journey of water.

There is a brand of water called "Beverly Hills 90H20."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Ariana Grande's Death (Scream Queens, S01E01)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

"Kelly, bless you, my child." (This Is England '90, S01E02)

  • ♫: Evangelist – "Never Feel This Young" (This Is England '90, S01E02)
  • ♫: Evangelist – "God Song" (This Is England '90, S01E02)
  • ♫: Ludovico Einaudi – "Experience" (This Is England '90, S01E02)
  • "I don't care about three-act structure. I think it's eroding cinema." (Project Greenlight, S04E02)
  • "Has anyone ever asked you to try to make it look like what it would look like if you shot having removed the anti-halation layer of the film?" (Project Greenlight, S04E02)
  • How did I not see the ending? (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E04)
  • Guest starring Werner Herzog (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
  • "I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small, it's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, Thermoses in front of themselves and called out, 'Hey, look at me, I'm Mr. So-and-so Dick. I've got such and such for a penis.' I never saw it fail to get a laugh." (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
  • BBC preview (Rick and Morty, S02E08)
  • Both episodes open with "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed (Fear the Walking Dead, S01E04; Gotham, S02E01)
  • Chad Velcoro (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • RT: Reebok Pumps were played out by 95 (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • "All the franchise power players are gonna be there. I need to make a good impression. Which one's Louis Huang? Ohhh, he's the steakhouse owner in the sharkskin suit."
    "Or he's the Chinese guy." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • "Dolla dolla bag." (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • The family riding Gatorworld's parking lot tram because the mother didn't want to pay for admission to Gatorworld – I did this at Disneyland! (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • The Mask was released in 1994 – the boys would recognize (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • Eddie Huang Is Not Narrating Fresh Off the Boat Anymore – I didn't notice (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01)
  • Both episodes open with a "1995" title card (Fresh Off the Boat, S02E01; Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "I am not missing 'Waterfalls' for this." (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "She smells like hot dog water and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley." (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "I got my first boner watching Faces of Death." (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "How did you get HPV? When were you in Mexico?" (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • "You're so confident without being mean. What anti-depressants are you on?" (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • Sleepaway Camp III death (Scream Queens, S01E01)
  • Predatory Lez = Tumblr (Scream Queens, S01E02)
  • "Yeah, Jeets." (Scream Queens, S01E02)
  • "Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot." (Scream Queens, S01E02)
  • "Your father is a tampon." (Empire, S02E01)
  • Cookie cutting off Al Sharpton (Empire, S02E01)
  • Don Lemon (Empire, S02E01)
  • Chris Rock playing a gangsta (Empire, S02E01)
  • Marisa Tomei Shmoney dance (Empire, S02E01)
  • Marisa Tomei dancing with Anika (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Spit something for me."
    "He in jail. Do it." (Empire, S02E01)
  • "I thought I told you to sleep with her."
    "I did."
    "You can't even dyke right." (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Why are you playing with my wigs?" (Empire, S02E01)
  • Chris Rock playing a gangsta cannibal (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Why you looking like Mr. T?" (Empire, S02E01)
  • "Who's messing with us?"
    "That skinny Hannibal Idi Amin." (Empire, S02E01)
  • "I'm-a sign your baby girl, and then I'm-a slip her my bone." (Empire, S02E01)

"The neck is the V." (Modern Family, S07E01)

  • "I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh? Is that it? You've got maple fever?" (South Park, S19E02)
  • ♫: Men Without Hats – "The Safety Dance" (South Park, S19E02)
  • RT: After last night's DraftKings plug on "The League," it'll be impossible to criticize any other show for selling out ever again (The League, S07E03)
  • "It's on like Dong Kong." (The League, S07E03)
  • Friends of the People Season Grade: C-


I fight babies like you, baby


Googling "California Selfie Conservancy" turns up nothing, but the field guide checks out. As for Data and Society…

Starring Rick Fox and Lolo Jones.

What is fun about that match-up?

The zombies are at least ninjas in this film.

Bears vs. Zombies (2016)
Ursidae or Ursigays? I hope it's both.

Alexander Ludwig stars in two 2015 films about final girls – The Final Girls and Final Girl.

Former Chopped champions are pushed to their limits when they return to compete in an epic four-part tournament in CHOPPED: IMPOSSIBLE, premiering on Thursday, October 22nd at 8pm ET/PT.

Robert Irvine will command a seat on the judging panel.

Three competitors will power on to the Grand Finale, where one will win the chance to throw down in an impossibly daunting wild card round: against Chef Robert. [source]

Having exhausted ideas for themed episodes, Chopped adds a boss battle?

Isn't this just Beat Bobby Flay with more preliminary rounds?

Has Chopped done an episode with four wrestlers yet?