Get Out

Previously on Adam Riff™ (July 2015):

In less than a year, I have moved someone else from New York City to San Francisco, and then from San Francisco to Los Angeles, packing and unpacking all of his stuff by myself.

[New York to] San Francisco was Murphy's Law run amok.

Back from Los Angeles after moving [redacted] for the fourth time in two-and-a-half years.

For San Francisco to Los Angeles in June 2015, I only had one day to pack everything in his three-floor loft by myself.

Seven months later, [redacted] wanted to move from his three-floor loft in Los Angeles to a penthouse two floors up in the same building.

One year later, I moved everything in his penthouse into storage because he wanted to move out of his building, but isn't sure where he wants to move next. His lawyers are advising him to move to San Francisco.


Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

9. Don't tell mom the babysitter's Quinn (Homeland, S06E05)

Honourable Mention

  • Alex Jones (Homeland, S06E05)
  • CMFB! (Club for My Friend's Band) (Portlandia, S07E08)
  • Daredevil opening credits (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • Filming during and disrupting an actual IMAX premiere screening of The Force Awakens (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • Daredevil fight (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)

Stray Observations

  • Tina eating cat food (Bob's Burgers, S07E10)
  • Punch from a soap dispenser (Son of Zorn, S01E13)
  • Son of Zorn Season Grade: C

(The Walking Dead, S07E10)

  • Lauren Lapkus' left boob (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Why is my hand towel on your dick?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "He's a really talented artist."
    "Oh, I'm sure he's great. They give all the master artists third grade. What's your fuckin' medium? Hand turkeys? Paste noodles?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Is that the Parthenon?"
    "He's Greek."
    "You're leaving me for a guy that has the fuckin' Parthenon on his back?" (Crashing, S01E01)
  • "Damn. You got unexpected crackhead strength, Kevin."
    "Don't judge me. You don't know where my regular strength ends and my crackhead strength begins." (Superior Donuts, S01E04)
  • "Be careful."
    "Yes, you have your whole…a couple of years ahead of you." (Superior Donuts, S01E04)
  • "Okay, mother, I'm just coming." (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • "I know everything about you – what scares you, what you want, what you Google." (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • ♫: Etta James – "At Last" (Bates Motel, S05E01)
  • "September 26, 1983. Bob Forsch, he pitched a no-hitter against the Expos. That was the last day I saw my father. He went to get a hot dog during the seventh inning stretch and he just…never came back."
    "He walked out from a no-hitter?" (The Mick, S01E10)
  • "What kind of rational man believes in justice?" (Taboo, S01E07)
  • Rough golf course (Taboo, S01E07)
  • "I have a use for you." (Taboo, S01E07)
  • "It's a PANDORA bracelet. This one's a heart, you know, for obvious reasons. This one's an owl, because you finished college. And this one's a soccer ball, because it's rad." (Detroiters, S01E03)

(Detroiters, S01E03)

  • "My king, I have the best news."
    "If that rabbit was a prosecco, I'd agree." (The Magicians, S02E05)
  • "Really? Live Free or Die Hard is your favourite Die Hard?" (Black-ish, S03E16)
  • "Everyone, this has been a long day. Why don't we just go sleep on it, and we'll vote first thing in the morning? Scandal is on tonight. Let the kid watch one more Scandal." (Black-ish, S03E16)
  • Coffee maker (Legion, S01E03)
  • "I bought poop on the dark web and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "You're the honey that the bee makes / You're the sugar on the pound…carrot." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "You make life sweet, Dee / You make life sweet for…I…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "How did you know that I wanted an RPG?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "Awww, there's no rocket! They forgot to put the rocket in there! Dude, I'm so sorry!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E08)
  • "Son, what's this mom's religion?"
    "She's Jewish."
    "Back it up, people!" (Man Seeking Woman, S03E08)
  • "The acceptance of a racist grandfather is still my white whale." (Powerless, S01E04)
  • "He's just a low-level henchman. I dated one in college. It's basically like dating a bass player."
    "Maybe you're right. I mean, it is probably just a fling. It'll flame out or he'll die."
    "Just like dating a bass player." (Powerless, S01E04)
  • Friday Night Lights much? (Riverdale, S01E05)
  • "I cut open my cheese. It's not cheese. It's a tamale." (Top Chef, S14E13)
  • "I'm on the moon. I'm fishing." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E04)
  • "You wanna go to Hooters and get some soup?" (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "That's gonna have to be a rain check on the Hooters soup." (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "I got mixed up with some squatter types. Their leader was a drug-addled flautist." (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "So what's next?"
    "Well, how do you feel about taking a shift in the dunk tank?"
    "You said 'shift,' right?" (Baskets, S02E06)
  • "Martha Brooks. I googled her. Nothing came up."
    "Yeah, that's her." (Baskets, S02E06)

(Baskets, S02E06)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Entry Level Adult

Did you know that Paramount Pictures only netted $25 million in 2015 and didn't net ANY money in 2016?

After recording a $25 million profit for 2015, the company's Paramount Pictures unit last year remained at the bottom of the rankings by posting its first calendar-year loss ($364 million) since THR began its annual calculations. The drop is even steeper if one includes a $115 million impairment charge for Monster Trucks.

MVP (Most Valuable Partner), the latest Shark Tank rip-off, features Rob Gronkowski, Kevin Durant, Terrell Owens, and Antonio Brown as sharks.

Shark Tank Rip-Off Idea: College interviews with a panel of five alumni. Interviewees seek more "You're in"s than "I'm out"s.

Shark Tank Rip-Off Idea: Hollywood bidding wars over rights, screenplays, independent films, et cetera.

Kevin Smith:

I've pitched a #Mallrats sequel series to 6 different networks only to find no takers thus far.

They must have all seen Yoga Hosers, because why else would no one throw money at Kevin Smith when seemingly every IP with brand recognition is being revived?

School for the grifted

Radio Podcasts
1-800-Flowers The Bouqs
Dollar Shave Club Harry's
Leesa Casper
Sun Basket Blue Apron
Tommy John MeUndies

Blue Apron, Caviar, Chef'd, DoorDash, EAT24, Freshly, Gobble, Goldbely, Green Chef, Grubhub, HelloFresh, Maple, Munchery, PeachDish, Plated, Postmates, Purple Carrot, Sprig, Sun Basket, ZeroCater, Zesty – America's food delivery service cup runneth over.

[Din,] Kitchit, SpoonRocket, Dinner Lab, and Kitchensurfing shut down in 2016. [source]

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

8. Festival of Friendship (WWE Raw, 02-13-17)

part two / part three / part four

Honourable Mention

  • Tim and Sam dance for Sebastian (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • Trapped in the MRI scanner (Legion, S01E02)
  • Airport sushi restaurant (Portlandia, S07E07)

Stray Observations

(Bob's Burgers, S07E09)

  • "Excuse me while I sky kiss this guy." (Bob's Burgers, S07E09)
  • "My apartment! I mean… My car!" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "I Saw a Stranger" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "You know, I'd never seen a live femur before." (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • ♫: "Whiskey and Zorn" (Son of Zorn, S01E12)
  • "We both had sex with the same dead guy. Doesn't make us friends." (The Walking Dead, S07E09)
  • "God is for men who have no use for freedom." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Science is the gift of God, and God taught us that ovulation is spontaneous."
    "Ask a woman about that. Back when it was still believed that there were two kinds of insemination, male insemination involving sperm, female insemination involving eggs, it was considered a sin not to give a woman pleasure. But then, when it was discovered that ovulation was spontaneous, the cost was several billion female orgasms."
    "But it made psychoanalysts rich."
    "The one profession that involves no work and a great deal of money that we let slip through our fingers." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Who gives a damn about life? Life is not some stupid centerpiece on the side table of nothingness. Life is meant to be used, and to be used well – to love and be loved." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "I never resent anyone. That's my main problem." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "Lenny, you think you're the hinge, but you're the door." (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • ♫: 13 & God – "Armored Scarves" (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • Fading to black to when the Flume song's outro kicks in (The Young Pope, S01E09)
  • "How did you do it?"
    "I humiliated him. You have no idea how many objectives can be obtained by humiliating one's fellow man. But there's a secret to it."
    "What is it?"
    "The person humiliated can't realize they've been humiliated." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "In pedophilia, there is only violence, and in homosexuality, there is only love." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "We are power, and power is a banal platitude." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Goodness, unless combined with imagination, runs the risk of being mere exhibitionism." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Affliction changes us, Aguirre."
    "But good mood doesn't." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • "Those who believe in God don't believe in anything." (The Young Pope, S01E10)
  • The Young Pope Season Grade: B
  • "Scallops aren't for liars." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "I don't have to explain myself to a chimney sweep." (New Girl, S06E16)
  • "Look at this place. You got a wet bar. You've got a thermostat."
    "And tickets to something called 'The Clippers.'" (New Girl, S06E16)
  • ♫: Vince Staples – "BagBak" (The Mick, S01E09)
  • "There are dark, unsupervised slut pockets all over that Jewish community center." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "I'll show them I am amazing at finding things."
    [Where's Waldo?] (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • "Why can't these white people keep track of their kids? Every time we look at a milk carton, we have to see their failures." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E13)
  • Mort Crim is a real anchorman (Detroiters, S01E02)
  • "What size do you think you're gonna be in nine months? Women's medium?" (Speechless, S01E15)
  • "Darling, I'm British. We invited sartorial nonsense." (Speechless, S01E15)

(Speechless, S01E15)

  • "I know we're being serious right now, but that surgeon has the biggest dick." (The Magicians, S02E04)
  • Pastor throws dove Vine (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "You gotta step your game up, Dre. Put your crew on your back. Get your Kevin Garnett on."
    "You said what? I'm a soccer guy."
    "My turn to bite, my turn to bite. What, exactly, is a Kevin Garnett?" (Black-ish, S03E15)
  • "I'll calm down. I'll drink some whiskey or something."
    "Yeah. Stuff it down with brown. That's the best way to deal with things." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "You know, I'm getting a bad feeling about this, man."
    "Hey, man, do you think maybe that's 'cause of your librarian trauma?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Hello?"
    "Uhh, yeah, uh, yeah, is yous Daddy and the Boy?"
    "Uhh, y-yes, it is. Boy speaking."
    "I've got a party for you."
    "Umm, Daddy wants to speak with you."
    "Yeah, this is Daddy." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Why did you make a cheese lollipop?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "Cricket was a bad idea, huh?"
    "Yeah, I know, but we needed that, like, you know, McConaughey MC type."
    "Yeah, but looks like we got AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey, not Magic Mike McConaughey." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • Stripping to "Cat's in the Cradle" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S12E07)
  • "I guess if I had, like, a million dollars, I might want a dick." (Workaholics, S07E06)

(Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)

  • "It would make me the happiest man in the world if I could have anal sex with your daughter." (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • Harry Knowles (Man Seeking Woman, S03E07)
  • "Booty tutor?" (Riverdale, S01E04)
  • "As Florence Machine says, the dog days are over." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "I also had sex with your little Frenchy wife."
    "No, you didn't."
    "Yeah, I did. I pretended to be you and had sex with her."
    "Now I know you’re lying. She would never have sex with me." (Baskets, S02E05)
  • Chip and Dale chugging energy shots as they furiously circle a table and brag about sexual conquests that never happened (Baskets, S02E05)
  • The quick shot of random hikers watching Dale in a clown uniform and Chip with a bloody tissue sticking out of his nose walking along train tracks repeatedly saying "Ronald Reagan" (Baskets, S02E05)
  • "Put money in an Asian kid's hand, that kid will love you for the rest of your life." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • Talk show go to commercial (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "Then I saw the truck outside. It scared the shit out of me, so I did what Kevin does in Home Alone and I got the black guy from Space Jam and I put him in the window to try to scare him off." (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)
  • "What time is it?"
    "Seven!!!" (Nirvanna the Band the Show, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Young Pope
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Baskets


Opening your mouth removes all doubt

Broadcast networks have been re-evaluating their programming this pilot season. Dramas and comedies that appeal to the heartland — i.e. parts of Trump America that may have been underserved on the small screen — have been among this season's hottest trends. [source]

But Hillary won the popular vote…?

ABC has drama The Gospel of Kevin, which follows a down-on-his-luck guy who is tasked by God with a mission to save the world.

NBC has drama For God and Country, which explores personal sacrifices of the members of the military.

CBS handed out a pilot order to comedy Living Biblically. The project centers on a modern-day man who, at a crossroads in his life, decides to live life according to the Bible.

Fox has put in development The Scroll, a Bible-themed drama project. The Scroll will reimagine some of the Bible's most popular stories in present day through a group of friends and colleagues that are modern-day versions of some of the Bible's most notable characters. [source]


Found Me Some Acid Tonight

The Great Wall's title treatment irritates me mightily.

I want to travel back in time to prevent it from being created.

Why don't the Ts and H have any pointy corners? What even was the methodology behind which corners would be pointy?

The curved leg of the R is hideous.

I don't get Kong: Skull Island's title treatment.

It looks like a mishmash of typeface concepts, none of which connote "King Kong" or "Skull Island."