Lil Intro Vert

Ladies and gentlemen, the easiest $1,000,000 win in game show history:

Come ON!

If you're not gonna use a deep cut for the $1,000,000 song, then at least use a song with a commonly mistaken title, like "Baba O'Riley."

Speaking of beating Shazam, the end credits music for S01E03 of Netflix's GLOW. Shazam has incorrectly identified it as three different songs.

[browsing television guide]

Game Show Network… Emogenius?

Oh, it's Pyramid with emojis, not a quiz show with sensitive contestants.

Survivor Season Idea: Divide identical twins into two identical tribes.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

26. Roller's Funeral (Claws, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "You don't pay a whore to bang; you pay her to leave." (Claws, S01E02)
  • RT: BRB. Encasing my monitor in wood then installing a series of motors that will allow it to sink into my desk. (Twin Peaks, S03E07)
  • "What'd you say your name was again?"
    "Fuck you, Tammy." (Twin Peaks, S03E07)

(Twin Peaks, S03E07)

  • ♫: Brian Reitzell and Debbie Harry – "Tehran 1979" (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "There is no end to the cruelty of men threatened by strong women." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "Jesus Christ. Are they all Jesuses?" (American Gods, S01E08)
  • Jeremy Davies as Jesus Prime (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "I swear to Jesus. He's right outside." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "What do you think gods do? They do what they've always done – they fuck with us." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "Put a pillow over that feeling and bear down until it stops kicking." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "You should be thrilled, overjoyed, that anyone believes in anything that doesn't have a screen anymore." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • "Tell the believers and the non-believers, tell them we've taken the spring. They can have it back when they pray for it." (American Gods, S01E08)
  • American Gods Season Grade: B-
  • "Don't you need a visa to go to China?"
    "Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt." (Silicon Valley, S04E09)
  • Flula Borg (Silicon Valley, S04E09)

(Silicon Valley, S04E09)

  • "Wasn't the original title of their chart-topping hit 'Virtual Insanity'? Why is he singing 'Virtual Reality'?" (Silicon Valley, S04E09)
  • "Ma'am, the producer of The Tonight Show thought it would be fun if you—"
    "No, you know what? Nothing's fun on that show." (Veep, S06E09)
  • "I've been fired three times in my life: From the U.S. Postal Service Office of Investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan."
    "Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road."
    "Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve Largent." (Veep, S06E09)
  • "Wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children." (Veep, S06E09)
  • "Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Somebody you hired to make sure you don't get erections?"
    "That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancé!" (Veep, S06E09)
  • The Tonight Show with Adam Scott (Veep, S06E09)
  • Better Call Saul Season Grade: B-
  • "Would like like sparkling water or still?"
    "Now why would you even ask? Of course we'd like the spaahhkling. Mmm! It takes like healthy Sprite!" (The Carmichael Show, S03E05)
  • "At some level, food knows it's food." (Fargo, S03E10)
  • "It is a dangerous world for men of standing. Human beings, you see, have no inherent value other than the money they earn. Cats have value, for example, because they provide pleasure to the humans. But a deadbeat on welfare? Well, they have negative value." (Fargo, S03E10)
  • Fargo Season Grade: B-
  • Annie's boobs (GLOW, S01E01)
  • "The Over-Madames have lied to you. Men are real. We can restore the world to the way it was before the war and women's lib." (GLOW, S01E03)
  • "No, I'm Kuntar, a vision of hideousness." (GLOW, S01E03)
  • Welfare Queen wearing a Burger King crown (GLOW, S01E03)
  • End credits ♫: ??? (GLOW, S01E03)
  • "But what if your gimmick is hugging people?" (GLOW, S01E04)
  • Carlito (GLOW, S01E04)
  • "A survey? About mayonnaise? I always have time for condiments." (GLOW, S01E05)
  • "The heel makes the face." (GLOW, S01E05)
  • "You know, I'm sure when people read your zine, not everyone thinks it's art."
    "Hey, Agnostic Toad is fucking awesome." (GLOW, S01E06)
  • "Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish."
    "I wear a giant chai."
    "Oh… I thought that was a cat." (GLOW, S01E06)
  • Carlito holding an apple (GLOW, S01E07)
  • "Not looking good for the white supremacists." (GLOW, S01E07)
  • "The money's in the chase" (GLOW, S01E10)
  • GLOW Season Grade: B

(Loaded, S01E02)

  • "Watto, if you want a band, just buy one."
    "Buy a band?"
    "He's right. You probably couldn't buy Coldplay, or the Counting Crows, but Weezer… I bet you could buy yourself Weezer." (Loaded, S01E02)
  • "In this country, we all hate Bono."
    "Yeah, I don't even remember why. It's just something you get handed down." (Loaded, S01E02)
  • "We got our own little hipster Bono."
    "That is the worst collection of words in the world." (Loaded, S01E02)
  • "Do you promise you'll go back to Jeff if I buy you cocaine?" (Loaded, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show


Looking forward:

Lotta unknowns.

I'll break your neck so you can watch your back

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored American Gods' opening credits with Imagine Dragons' "Believer":

I really wanted to use "Humble," but it did not cooperate fully.

Next: Game of Thrones × ???

Miserable America

Mountain Dew = neutral

Baja Blast = lawful good

Code Red = chaotic…neutral?

I'm not familiar enough with Mountain Dews to do a Mountain Dew alignment.

I can do a Coke one, though!

Lawful Good
Cherry Coke
Neutral Good
Coke Zero
Chaotic Good
Mexican Coke
Lawful Neutral
Caffeine-Free Coca-Cola
Chaotic Neutral
Coca-Cola Life
Lawful Evil
Vanilla Coke
Neutral Evil
Diet Coke
Chaotic Evil
New Coke

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

25. David Bowie followed me on Twitter / Stones do Shakespeare (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03/04)

Honourable Mention

  • Little person ice pick hitman (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • Mark's football analogies (Masterchef, S08E03)
  • Ice cream on the toilet (Fargo, S03E09)

Stray Observations

  • "My first studio apartment was a cozy uterus." (Bob's Burgers, S07E22)
  • Diane! (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • RT: The ice pick hit man in this week's Twin Peaks was staying at the same motel Gloria Burgle was at earlier this season of Fargo (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "Tarifa" (Twin Peaks, S03E06)
  • "I was a king once."
    "I was. Then they made me a bird. Then Mother Church came along and turned us all into saints, and trolls, and faeries. General Mills did the rest." (American Gods, S01E07)
  • "Oh, I didn't know you had a brother."
    "Bruce was his stillborn twin."
    "He had a huge heart."
    "Missing all its valves, though." (Veep, S06E08)
  • "9-11, bitches! We're gonna fly two planes into the club!" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "Dan, you've heard the old saying, 'You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square'?" (Veep, S06E08)
  • "He said he talked to Quartie, who said he took to you like a hog to persimmons."
    "Is that a good thing?"
    "Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs." (Veep, S06E08)
  • The Handmaid's Tale Season Grade: C+
  • "The problem is not that there is evil in the world; the problem is that there is good. Because otherwise, who would care?" (Fargo, S03E09)
  • "When she said he makes chorizo like his grandmother, is that what she looked like?"
    "No, Rob. It means the way his grandmother used to make it."
    "Fine, well, I think she should be more clear, because I'm picturing a grizzled old woman with the external appearance of chorizo." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E02)
  • "I was a grown man before I felt a firm sprout in my mouth." (The Trip [to Spain], S03E03)
  • "Eddie Redmayne, the name, is the sort of name that an upper middle class girl would give to her pony. 'Father [it's a chestnut mare], may I ride Eddie Redmayne this weekend?' 'You may, darling. Would you like me to get Mr. Hiddleston out of the stable too?" (The Trip [to Spain], S03E04)
  • The Trip [to Spain] Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Fargo
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Carmichael Show


I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside

Having not seen their list, I offer my own:

Steven: I want The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance over Oldboy.
Jon: Yeeah… About that…

25. The Tribe (2014)
director: Myroslav Slaboshpytskyi

24. The Machinist (2004)
director: Brad Anderson

23. Quills (2000)
director: Philip Kaufman

22. Shattered Glass (2003)
director: Billy Ray

21. Moebius (2013)
director: Kim Ki-duk

20. Tangerine (2015)
director: Sean Baker

19. Sunshine (2007)
director: Danny Boyle

18. The Dark Knight (2008)
director: Christopher Nolan

17. The Imposter (2012)
director: Bart Layton

16. Four Lions (2010)
director: Chris Morris

15. Primer (2004)
director: Shane Carruth

14. The Believer (2001)
director: Henry Bean

13. Moonlight (2016)
director: Barry Jenkins

12. Michael (2011)
directors: Markus Schleinzer and Kathrin Resetarits

11. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
director: Larry Charles

10. Castaway on the Moon (2009)
director: Lee Hae-jun

9. [The] School of Rock (2003)
director: Richard Linklater

8. The Descent (2005)
director: Neil Marshall

7. Tim's Vermeer (2013)
director: Teller [of Penn and Teller]

6. Whiplash (2014)
director: Damien Chazelle

5. Dogtooth (2009)
director: Yorgos Lanthimos

4. Hunger (2008)
director: Steve McQueen

3. This Is England (2006)
director: Shane Meadows

2. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
director: Wes Anderson

1. Oldboy (2003)
director: Park Chan-wook



Rory: What do Sean Connery, Ben Kingsley, and Patrick Stewart have in common?
Jon: They've all been knighted.
Rory: Yes, and…
Jon: And…? Are we improvising? I…
Rory: They've all voiced Draco in an Dragonheart film!
Jon: Ah-so…
Rory: Did you know that four Dragonheart films exist? The original, a direct-to-video sequel, and two direct-to-video prequels.
Rory: The Dragonheart franchise has spanned three decades.

Jon: "Dragonheart is now considered a cult classic."
Jon: It is?
Jon: "On various days throughout the year in Toronto, a fully restored '20th anniversary edition' of Dragonheart with never-before-seen footage, enhanced visual effects, and a digitally remastered soundtrack is screened at the AMC Yonge & Dundas 24 theatre."
Jon: WHAT?!

Rory: Dragonheart 5: Michael Caine.
Rory: Draco: She was only 16 years old!
Jon: That reminds me… I need to watch The Trip to Spain.

Don't drown in the brown, just drown in the sound

Jackie Chan Action Movie Week is set to return with a selection of 20 cutting-edge contemporary action flicks from around the world in a program overseen by Chan himself. [source]

Did you know that Jackie Chan annually curates a week of action movies?

I'm surprised that enough cutting-edge contemporary action flicks exist for him to curate 20 or so annually.

The 2015 Jackie Chan Action Movie Week line-up was solid.

The 2016 one…not so much.

The Raid 2 lost "best fight" to sodding Wolf Warrior?!