If you try to kill the King, you better not miss

How does a Clue-themed version of Monopoly not exist?

Video Game Idea: Super Mario Kingdom. Mario returns to the Mushroom Kingdom to find Cinderella's castle instead of Peach's. An anthropomorphic desk lamp informs him that he has stumbled into a magic world and asks for his help in defeating the villainous Mickey Mouser. Each area Mario visits in the game is inspired by a Disney property. And the ending:

Video Game Idea: Star Fox: Rogue Ones. A group of unlikely heroes band together on a mission to steal Andross' plans for a galactic superweapon. Blend classic Arwing-based gameplay with Adventures' Zelda-style gameplay.

Within the F-Zero series, Captain Falcon is a mysterious racer who is among the best on the circuit, as well as a renowned bounty hunter.

Video Game Idea: Grand TheF-Zero. While hunting someone in Mute City, Captain Falcon gets dragged into a criminal underworld.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

16. Simon Devious' Crew (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "So, you know what, Thomas Friedman? You are bad at writing, and nobody likes you." (Barry, S02E03)
  • "And did you see the new cover of Time magazine?
    "Yes! Are angels real?" (Veep, S07E03)
  • "Ma'am, Kemi just picked up two senators and a union."
    "A good union or, like, teachers?" (Veep, S07E03)
  • "I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "You should have heard his wedding vows. He did a really funny Chinese voice."
    "Yeah, I expressed how horny I was." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "We focus-tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina."
    "Well, I don't see vagina colour." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "Less talk, more abortion." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism, after tornado-chasing, and coming in town to buy Sudafed."
    "Is that a mayor as well?"
    "No, that's just a cat. Could you imagine? This isn't Nebraska." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "Mom, I am begging you as the mother of a mixed-race child!" (Veep, S07E03)
  • "God bless America for hating women almost as much as I do." (Veep, S07E03)
  • "I have never known an ugly Jalen." (Black-ish, S05E19)
  • The Magicians Season Grade: D
  • Written by Tom Scharpling (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E04)
  • Matt Berry's pronunciation of "Manhattan" (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E04)
  • "He died tripping on his cape at a wooden stake sale at the garden centre." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E04)
  • ♫: Galia Arad – "…Baby One More Time" (Cloak and Dagger, S02E04)
  • Harry Potter a capella jam circle (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S06E13)
  • "Passion…is a made-up idea. It's for white people." (Ramy, S01E02)
  • "You… You didn't want that ass?"
    "I didn't want that ass." (Ramy, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Life isn't real, love's make believe

You gain time when you travel east to west.

However, if you cross the International Date Line while traveling east to west, you lose a day.

My English major brain is trying to figure out if you just keep circumnavigating Earth westward, can you literally lose a year off your life?

By only traveling westward, you regain time you lost crossing the International Date Line before crossing it again, but you need to change planes at some point.

My flight from California to Australia was 14:35 plus one day.

My flight from Australia to California was 13:20 minus one day.

I didn't regain all the time I lost, right?

So if I just keep traveling back and forth between California and Australia, can I offset my birthdate by one day? Like, my birthday is October 6, but the time I have been alive only adds up to October 5.

The Viking Experience

Paramount got crafty at designer Rachel Zoe's Zoeasis party. The studio hosted an Elton John activation with an arts-and-crafts table ahead of Dexter Fletcher's Rocketman premiere.

Guests could customize a pair of statement eyewear or sunglasses in various styles with rhinestones, glitter, studs, pearls and lettered beads. From there, attendees could be snapped at a piano with a blue concert backdrop while wearing their Elton-esque sunnies and receive a keepsake photo.

"This is like abstract art," joked Alisha Boe, an actress on 13 Reasons Why, while she admired a pair of red sunglasses.

Warner Bros. took over Neon Carnival by decorating the grounds with dancing Pikachu mascots and a Pokemon-themed Ferris Wheel ride in anticipation of the film Pokémon: Detective Pikachu.

Celebrating at the bash: Leonardo DiCaprio, Paris Hilton, 2 Chainz, Dylan McDermott, and Lukas Haas.

A rep for Warner Bros. tells THR: "Many of those attending Coachella grew up with Pokémon. The attendees of Neon Carnival (all social influencers) are a great group to have as advocates for the film."

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

15. Haven's Gate (Shark Tank, S10E18)

Honourable Mention

Stray Observations

  • "Gene Cousineau Is Twelve Angry Men." (Barry, S02E02)
  • "Dan fucked you?"
    "What, were you wearing a full-length mirror?" (Veep, S07E02)
  • "Show me some money!" (Veep, S07E02)
  • "Literally no one ever wants prosecco." (Veep, S07E02)
  • "I know that you sneak-watch The Cosby Show in the middle of the night."
    "I only laugh at Rudy." (Black-ish, S05E18)
  • "Do I have a name?"
    "Why would you need one?"
    "Starbucks mostly." (The Magicians, S04E12)
  • "What you're about to see are the topiary representations of the vulvas of some of my favourite prostitutes and women I have loved." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "If me and Laszlo were to have ever had a child, I like to imagine it would look like him – small and hard."
    "I hate this goat." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "I'm Caribbean-Canadian. Saskatoon, motherfucker!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "Hackers featuring Jonny Lee Miller and Fisher Stevens is one of the few movies from 1995 that still holds up!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "Tonight is a good night for the other guy, not me, to die." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "You desecrated my vulva garden. Namely, my mother's vulva. You turned it brown, and wizened."
    "You made it look like his sister's vulva." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "I agree with the werewolf slut." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "I'd say surrender, but it's my mother's vulva we're talking about." (What We Do in the Shadows, S01E03)
  • "Mom, can we name the toilet? It deserves a name, like…Balthazar, or Abigail."
    "Or Slender Man." (Better Things, S03E07)
  • "'See you in a few weeks. Peace out.' And then he drew a skull out of commas and semicolons. He's quite good." (Fresh Off the Boat, S05E22)
  • Fresh Off the Boat Season Grade: C
  • "America isn't a place to live a long life." (Warrior, S01E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Emotional pizza for one and all

// Sydney, NSW, Australia

Burgers are ubiquitous in Australia – and also ass.

Australians define "shoestring fries" differently than I do. To me, McDonald's-type fries are not shoestring fries. They're hoodie-string fries. Shoestring fries are thinner.

I appreciate that Australian eateries stock Coke Zero, sometimes in lieu of Diet Coke.

EASI is a food delivery app just for Asian (primarily Chinese) food in Australia.

The customers are often quite racist or don't speak English very well hence why they pay a slight premium compared to other food deliver services in order to have a Chinese and Chinese speaking delivery person.

Basically it's a way for the Millionaire Chinese students to be lazy and pay the not as rich Chinese immigrant workers to go around and fetch food for them. [source]

Better hot pot restaurant name: Memory Tongue or Beef Life?

Imagine Unfailing Love

// Sydney, NSW, Australia

Bill posting on Crown Street in Surry Hills is ruthless. In the same day, on the same poles, posters for one event go up and are cleanly replaced by posters for another event.

Oncoming pedestrians here either can't seem to process how not to collide with me or expect me to go around them.

And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

14. Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch, and Charlotte Flair are arrested (WWE Raw, 04-01-19)

Stray Observations

  • "You can't just walk out. This isn't a Terrence Malick movie." (Veep, S07E01)
  • "I, uh, just had to get away from Blue Is the Most Annoying Color." (Veep, S07E01)
  • "I really thought my fifties would be about me fucking and sucking my way through the Shorenstein Center." (Veep, S07E01)
  • "It sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich."
    "[gasps] Like Evita!" (Veep, S07E01)
  • "Your hat is so fun. The 'B.' Have you been to Barbuda?" (Veep, S07E01)
  • "So the national press is now arriving to this giant metaphor for a clusterfuck of a campaign."
    "Actually, it's a synecdoche." (Veep, S07E01)
  • "Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else." (Veep, S07E01)
  • "This white man only has good intentions for my son."
    "Yeah, he's Pat Riley-ing him." (Black-ish, S05E17)
  • "Folds out, motherfucker!" (You're the Worst, S05E13)
  • You're the Worst Season Grade: C
  • J.K. Simmons? (Brockmire, S03E01)
  • "Folks, that ball is Maria Conchita A-gone-zo." (Brockmire, S03E01)
  • ♫: The Seige – "Run for Your Life" (Cloak and Dagger, S02E01)
  • ♫: Hot Chip – "Flutes (Sasha Remix)" (Cloak and Dagger, S02E01)
  • "This is not China; it's Chinatown, and our blood is cheap here, so you'd better learn to adapt." (Warrior, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Homecoming
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two